The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

The Puppet

Once upon a time there lived a puppet, he wore a funny hat. He loved to eat snacks, especially Goldfish crackers.

He would take a bite out of the delicious, cheesy, crunchy, fun snack and say, "Yummy, yummy, yummy, they really are the snack that smiles back."

One day, the puppet went to the supermarket to buy some more Goldfish crackers but to his dismay, they were nowhere to be found.

He found an employee and asked, "What in the flippity-dippity-doppity hell is going on!? Why are there no Goldfish on your shelves? Are you hiding them for yourself?! Or are they just in the back waiting to be restocked? If so, please hurry your ass up and restock... sir! A puppet's got to eat!"

The employee responded with a series of questions of his own, "Wait, how can a puppet eat? Do you even get hungry? How in the world do you have a digestive tract? I have so many questions!"

The puppet replied, "I am a very intricate puppet sir, my creator was quite remarkable indeed."

The employee astonished said, "In order for you to be such a remarkable piece of work, your creator must also be quite remarkable."

The puppet responded in a boastful manner, "You know this to be fact. Word up homie."

The employee then said, "In regards to the Goldfish, I am unsure of their location. I am not the Goldfish keeper. Furthermore, I am not the manager, I just show up and stay for my allotted time and once it ends... I leave. I know nothing about the store, nor the inventory, nor the profitability, nor do I care. I am just trying to make ends meet."

The puppet aggravatedly replied, "I do not care about your life, I care about my Goldfish! You are of no assistance. Worthless you are, I cannot wait for when automation forces you all out of work."

The puppet then turned to his favorite deity, Google, and asked where the location of the Goldfish were.

Google declared, "I am Google! Knower of all! My dear, dear puppet, I apologize immensely but those Goldfish of yours, that you so adore, are no longer being sold in supermarkets, nor on any online marketplaces. Sorry kiddo, but what is being sold is Google Home. Available online and in-store, make me a part of your home, let me assist you in your life. Let me be with you every second, tell me all your secrets and desires, and I will control, I mean assist with your life."

The puppet cried out in anguish, "Why!? My craving for that baked snack is absolutely ravenous. I must satiate my craving at once!"

The puppet dashed off to the nearest Petsmart and purchased several live goldfish.

He then tossed a goldfish in his mouth and ate it.

The puppet exclaimed, "Yuck! Real goldfish are not tasty, they are slimy and downright detestable. These definitely do not have me smiling back."

Suddenly the puppet remembered that Goldfish were Baked snack crackers. So then he thought that perhaps he needed to bake them first instead of just eating them raw.

The puppet preheated his oven, grabbed a couple of the goldfish and laid them on a baking tray. Next, he drizzled them with some extra virgin olive oil, followed by a dash of oregano.

Right as the puppet was about to place the goldfish in the oven, members from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) busted through his door.

The members shouted, "Hold it right there you dang puppet you! Who do you think gives you the right to bake a goldfish?"

The puppet pointed to the goldfish-baker-rights-giver and said, "He gave me rights to do so."

The leader of PETA skimmed through the approval documents and said to the other members, "Damn, he got approval. We can't do anything in this situation, but there is a nearby laboratory doing animal testing, let us go bust down their door now. Off we go, c'mon gang! Time to go save the world, one animal at a time. Goodbye puppet, enjoy your baked goldfish...we hope you choke on them."

Once the PETA members left, the puppet placed the goldfish in the oven.

While the goldfish were baking, the puppet set up a candle light dinner. He bought roses and placed them in a lovely vase to use as his table centerpiece. He wore his best suit and even decided to bring out his finest chinaware.

Once the goldfish were cooked, he placed the baked goldfish on the Fine China, cut into the baked goldfish and took an ample bite.

The puppet pondered for several moments, and then said, "It just still does not taste as delectable as the snack that smiles back. What am I missing? Perhaps it needs salt."

The puppet then sprinkled some salt on the baked goldfish and took another bite, but this time he thought it tasted too salty, which in turn, made him extra salty about the entire situation.

He threw his napkin down with great fervor and grabbed his iPhone. He frantically searched the web to find the delicious baked snack that smiles back. He discovered that in fact Google lied to him. He was deceived and felt utterly betrayed. "How could you Google! I believed in you." Screamed the puppet.

He searched Amazon.com and found out that Amazon was indeed selling Goldfish... and they happened to be prime eligible.

The puppet quickly got over the deception and shouted in glee, "Yippee!!!" He immediately placed a same-day order for 12 packs of Goldfish...he also purchased a pair of bluetooth headphones because he could not pass up that Amazon Prime Daily Deal.

The package was delivered later that day and the puppet happily indulged in his beloved Goldfish. To celebrate and honor his new found deity, he decided to watch an Amazon Original show on Amazon Prime Video.

He then ordered an Amazon Echo and began to worship Amazon over Google.

The End.