The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

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Once upon a time there lived a boy. This boy was amiable in his disposition and was very easily amused.

One day he was hanging out with his friends, and the comical one of the group began to tell funny stories. He was arousing rambunctious laughter out of his pals which then encouraged him, and in effect, he became even more hilarious.

One of his pals pissed himself due to laughter. The other popped his knee out of place due to all the knee slapping jokes. His other pal was the good looking one out of the crew, therefore he laughed so much that he developed 6-pack abs.

Then the good-natured boy clamored to his comical friend, "Stop or I'm going to laugh my ass off!" The comical friend continued with his hilarious story, which then caused the boy to laugh so violently that his ass flung off his back side. The boy had indeed, laughed his ass off...literally and figuratively.

His two ass cheeks bounced off the pavement as if they were two basketball filets, seemingly bouncing in slow motion. The horror in the eyes of the boy and his shocked countenance only evoked louder laughter out his friends.

When the bouncing subsided and his detached ass cheeks lay sadly still on the cold pavement, slightly deflated, the boy quickly scurried over to them. He picked them up and shoved them into his backpack in great haste. He then hopped on his bicycle, unable to sit due to having no ass to sit on, he was forced to stand up and ride home. He pedaled at a furious and swift rate, but without the aid of his largest muscles, he moved at a pace analogous to a sloth trying to move in a bog.

Just when the boy thought his day couldn't get any worse, it did. Since he lost the extra girth of his backside and wasn't wearing a belt with his trousers, when he was standing up riding his bike at a rapid pace, his trousers slipped off his waist, and his underwear was on full display for cars driving by. He received numerous honks from vehicles, as well as laughter and indecipherable hollers and cat-calls from out the windows of cars.

When he finally reached home, he scampered to his mother and began shouting for her assistance.

"Help! Help! Help! I laughed my ass off!" He desperately cried out to his mom.

"What!?" She shouted back at him in utter confusion.

The boy frantically unzipped his backpack, pulled out his ass, and presented his two buttcheeks to his mother in a hysterical manner. "I no longer have an ass!" He bellowed.

She now comprehended the message clearly, and rushed her son to the hospital.

When the boy was finally able to see a doctor, the doctor did what he did best. Which was to ask nonsensical questions, never make eye contact with the patient, nor listen to the patient, and most importantly, sloppily write down a prescription for the patient in an illegible manner before moving on to the next patient and doing the exact same thing.

The boy received an overly generous prescription for various opiates to relieve himself of the pain and to help him sleep.

The next day in class, the boy's tailbone was in agonizing pain, due to the fact that he was forced to sit down on uncomfortable plastic school chairs for a prolonged period of time. In order to relieve himself of the pain, he reached into his backpack compartment and popped a few painkillers. It was quite possibly the chillest school day he ever had.

He went home and popped a few more pills as he laid in front of his laptop and watched cartoons. He was loving life, he even thought about getting a face tattoo and becoming a rapper. Thankfully the girl he had a crush on said she found face tattoos unattractive, therefore he resisted the urge to get one.

Over the next few months he refilled his prescription several times, and became a full-blown, certified, opiate addict. Where he received the certification was a mystery...he was in a drug induced trance when he received it, therefore, he didn't remember where he actually acquired that certification. Nonetheless he was a certified opiate addict who also happened to still have no ass. No matter how many squats and lunges his physical therapist had him do, his ass would not grow larger than the circumference of two mosquito bites.

When he thought about his future, he realized it was one without an ass to sit on. He didn't seem to care much though, he didn't seem to care much about anything to be quite frank with you, because he was high on drugs all the time and didn't have a care in the world.

The only time he started to have a care was when his prescription stopped being refilled. He was filled with angst and began to care about getting that high once again. He was having horrendous withdrawals and began to ask around about how he could obtain drugs. He heard from a classmate about how easy it was to purchase drugs through social media applications. He thought, "Hey, might as well give it a try."

It took him less than a minute to find a drug dealer, and he purchased street heroin as if he just purchased an item off Amazon.com. This became a common occurrence for him, and his drug intake steadily increased as his tolerability increased.

Life began to spiral further out of control for the boy. He stopped going to school, he stopped seeing his friends, he even fell asleep during dinner and face-planted into a plate of hot lasagna. The boy vacillated between two modes of existence: either he imitated something like a zombie, or he was in a deranged manic state.

After two failed stints in rehab, his parents felt helpless and didn't know what else to do. The boy eventually was kicked out, and he found home on the streets and on the park benches and sometimes under bridges.

He was soon in desperate need of another high, his withdrawals were excruciating, thus, he was on the search for money. He couldn't get a job, and his parents stopped giving him cash, therefore, he decided to ask the person who he believed put him in this predicament, his comical friend, the person who caused him to laugh his ass off.

He went to his comical friend's house, and though the comical friend wanted to help, he was told not to assist the boy in his self destruction. This only made the boy more angry and resentful at his comical friend. He cursed at him, and even insulted his comical friend by comparing his physical appearance to that of the Michelin Man.

The boy eventually found a group of homeless addicts to hang out with. They shared a love for similar hobbies such as doing heroin, shitting on the front steps of apartment buildings, terrifying children, yelling at those who passed by, masturbating in front of supermarkets, excessively littering, and most all, throwing their feces at government buildings.

The End