The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

The Bedroom

Wife (screaming) - "Help! Help! Oh good Jesus, someone please help me!"

Husband (dashes into the room with grave concern) - "What is the matter?!"

Wife - "A marathon of 2 Broke Girls is on the tele."

Husband - "You realize you can change the channel?"

Wife - "I was too comfortable and the remote is too far for me to reach without having to get up."

Husband - "Though we are suffering, we refuse to do something about it if it interferes with our comfort."

Wife - "I don't need a lesson here, I just need you to change the channel."

Husband - "Yes, speech is far easier than action." (hands wife the remote)

Wife - "Great handoff, you could have had a career in either relay racing, or giving diplomas to graduating students."

Husband - "I used to be part of a relay team, and then that day happened."

Wife - "If you are fishing for me to ask about this story, you can reel in your bait because I am not biting. I don't have the time."

Husband - "Can anyone actually have time? Is time something tangible that you can have or not have?"

Wife - "I have this phone here, and it tells time, and it's tangible."

Husband - "Fine, I'll leave you and your TV alone." (walks out)

Wife (cheerful and relieved) - "Thank you."

(Husband walks back in after a few seconds.)

Wife (peeved) - "What?!"

Husband - "I can't shake off the memory or the feeling. I must divulge this information so that I can be released from the neurotic dread. You know, the old psychoanalysis technique to obtain a catharsis."

Wife - "Can't you just call one of your friends and tell them, I'm not interested."

Husband - "No, I don't like talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety."

Wife - "You're giving me anxiety. I haven't ever felt envious of the deaf community before, but I am beginning to feel some envy now because I am realizing that I have to listen to this little sob story of yours. Alright, let us just get this over with." (turns the tv off and then tosses the remote to the side.) "Okay, let's hear this pity story of yours."

Husband - "I'm not looking for pity, pity is cruel evil."

Wife - "I don't have time for any aphorisms, just get to your story."

Husband - "Someone must be on their period. But anyways, the time was spring, the sun was bright, the sky was blue, my skin was tan, the leaves were new. Track and field practice had just begun, and I was set to be the anchor that year, the most important position on the relay team."

Wife (rolls eyes) - "I get it, you were important. Get to the point."

Husband - "Okay, I'll skip to the last track meet of the year."

Wife - "Were you seriously about to tell me a long chronological story beginning with the first day of practice, and detailing every event leading up to, and including, your last track and field event of the year?"

Husband - "I didn't want to leave any detail out, I heard it is always best to be thorough."

Wife - "You must have heard wrong, but thanks for skipping ahead instead of having me endure a 5-hour-long story."

Husband - "It would have taken me at least 6 hours to tell it, and even that may be pushing it. I would have had to speak at a rate that is far quicker than my average speaking speed...But anyways, I dropped the baton during the handoff exchange and we lost the final track meet."

Wife - "That was uneventful."

Husband - "I was just getting straight to the point, I was trying to please you. Nothing I ever do seems to please you."

Wife (throws her head back in annoyance) - "C'mon, not this again."

Husband (unleashing his pent up resentment) - "I couldn't please you last night when we were intimate. I couldn't please you on Valentine's Day because I bought you the wrong chocolates. I couldn't please you last week because I failed to mention your haircut the second I saw you."

Wife (acerbic) - "Pity lane, here we come. Let me at least buckle in first before you take me on this terrible ride."

Husband - "I am not looking for pity."

Wife - "It sure looks like you are."

Husband (frustrated) - "You know what, I'm just going to walk out."

Wife - "Fine, walk out, that is what you always do."

Husband - "That isn't true. I usually stay, and we scream at each other for a few hours and we say some hurtful things to one another, but our therapist said that was unhealthy for a relationship, and advised one of us to walk out of the room and cool off. Thus, I am taking that advice and choosing to walk out of the room, and to take a walk outside."

Wife - "Well it's a 100 degree day outside, so I don't think you are going to cool off. I think if anything, you will just become more heated."

Husband - "Can you stop being a smart-ass for at least one hour. That is all I'm asking."

Wife - "My ass isn't that smart, it has an IQ of 100."

Husband (deadpan) - "I'm leaving."

Wife - "You can commit an action without letting me know, you do realize that right? I don't need to know every single thing that you do."

Husband - "Bye."

Wife - "You're still here!" (throws the remote at him) "Leave!"

Husband (vindictive tone) - "I'm not going to hand this back to you. I hope another terrible TV series comes on and you have to endure the suffering of watching."

Wife - "You're rude."

Husband - "You're right, that was cruel. I'm sorry, will you forgive me?"

Wife - "I will if you hand me my remote control back."

(Husband hands remote control back.)

Wife - "Thank you, sweetheart. Now please move, you are blocking my view of the tele."

Husband - "Your wish is my command."

Wife - "I'm not wasting a wish on that, but I am just politely demanding that you move."

Husband - "I'll be back in a hour to check up on you." (kisses wife on the forehead and begins to walk out the bedroom)

Wife - "Please make it at least two hours."

Husband - "Okay, bye."

Wife - "Okay bye, I love you."

Husband (mumbles as he is walking out) - "With love comes a shadow of hate."

Wife - "What did you say?"

Husband - "That I love you too."

The End