The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Liar Liar

Person 1 - "My dog's name is Charlie."

Person 2 - "Let me guess, he owns a chocolate factory too?"

Person 1 - "No...he's a dog. A dog owning a chocolate factory is absolute rubbish."

Person 2 - "Rubbish? Do you not believe in the competency of a dog? Why can't a dog own a chocolate factory? Is there a law prohibiting a dog from owning such a factory? I think not! For a dog has every right to own a chocolate factory. How dare you belittle a canine, shame! Shame on you!"

Person 1 - "Okay, I apologize, it is not that dogs can't own chocolate factories, it is because my dog doesn't like chocolate and it is harmful to him. It is harmful to all dogs in that matter. In addition to it being toxic, Charlie also is strongly against capitalist structures, and he believes a factory is a structure that acts as a glorifying symbol to the corrupt capitalist society."

Person 2 - "Charlie sounds like an unappreciative prick."

Person 1 - "Hey! That is my dog you are talking about asshole!"

Person 2 - "I apologize, let us change the subject. Happy belated birthday, what did you wish for?

Person 1 - "I can't tell you"

Person 2 - "Why the hell not? If you tell someone your birthday wish, it is 6 times more likely to come true...Someone obviously doesn't read scientific journals." 

Person 1 - "I actually do not read scientific journals, how did you know? Are you stalking me? Are you a psychic?"

Person 2 - "I am doing none of the such, nor am I psychic. Even though that would be marvelous if I was one. I knew you don't read scientific journals because you clearly don't keep up to date with the latest research. Consider yourself absolutely lucky that I am your friend and can educate you before you make a fool of yourself out in public with your utter lack of knowledge."

Person 1 - "I am so positively grateful! How can I ever repay you?"

Person 2 - "With tubs of Nutella...or money. Actually yes, with money. Pay me money."

Person 1 - "How much money?"

Person 2 (pondering before answering) - "1 billion...no 1 trillion...no, 3 trillion dollars! muahahahahahaha!"

Person 1 - "I don't have 3 trillion dollars."

Person 2 - "Not my problem, a deal is a deal. Pay me or my lawyer will be contacting you in the near future."

Person 1 (perplexed) - "How does your lawyer have my number? Are we friends? Did I give my number to a lawyer last Saturday when I was drunk? Oh gosh, this is so utterly embarrassing. I must have been drunk, it was the tequila...it had to be. I only ever give my number to lawyers after I have drank tequila. I established a rule to never ever-ever, ever, under no circumstances, ever, give my number to a lawyer. They are the worst people to date.  Firstly, they never have time for you, they are always busy. Secondly, they are great liars, and they want to argue all the time. The worst part of it is, they are amazing at forming arguments, therefore you stand nearly zero chance of winning an argument against them. They are just too skillful at debating, thus, you are constantly feeling foolish and somehow always end up in the wrong. Once again, I must state, lawyers make for the worst romantic partners! Anyone who marries a lawyer is absolutely foolish and is just in it for the money and prestige."

Person 2 - "Rash generalization to say anyone, but fair point nonetheless. Anyways, you have 30 days to pay me."

Person 1 - "Why? We don't have a contract."