The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Jomeo and Ruliet

Jomeo - "To kiss or not to kiss, that is the question?"

Ruliet - "Why must you ask such a nonsensical question, my lips are already puckered silly."

Jomeo - "I thought that was because you had just bitten into a sour lemon?"

Ruliet - "If you'd like to know, I bit into the lemon because my breath smelled like ass. Prior to your question, I ate garlic fries dipped in garlic hummus. I didn't want our first kiss to be so repulsive, please tell me you do understand."

Jomeo - "Not only do I understand, but I appreciate the kind gesture my love."

Ruliet (astonished) - "Love?! Did you just say love!? Do you mean that? Do you already love me? It is only our first date."

Jomeo - "Love does not belong on a time scale, nor does it abide by the rules of logic, nor does it fit into the pocket of a man's extra large trousers. Love transcends time, space, and reason. We exist to love."

Ruliet - "You have a way with words my sweetheart."

Jomeo (astonished) - "Sweetheart? Are you already giving me a pet name?"

Ruliet - "Pet name? Do you think we should get a pet together? If you think we must, I believe we should confide in Google first to ensure we have the knowledge of what the best pet is, and furthermore, what the best pet names are. Because I think it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, we must have the best pet with the best name, don't you agree?

Jomeo (holds both of Ruliet's hands and gazes deeply into her eyes) - "I absolutely agree my love."

Ruliet (lets go of Jomeo's hands and raises her hands to her mouth in giddiness) - "Ooooohhh!!!! I absolutely love the way you say love. Please, please, please, say it once more...for me." (looks up at Jomeo with cute puppy dog eyes)

Jomeo (confidently grins) - "Love."

Ruliet (exhilarated) - "Oh baby! You are lighting my flame."

Jomeo - "And you are lighting my cigar this instant. Quick! This calls for a celebration (pulls out a cigar). A celebration to our divine love."

Ruliet - "A toast, (pulls a champagne bottle out of her vagina and two champagne glasses from her bra, one from each breast) to our love."

(They pop open the champagne and pour champagne into each glass, they tap their glasses and take a sip of the champagne.)

Jomeo - "Ah yes, a splendid toast and a marvelous smoke to a love that will last forever."

(R&B singer Keith Sweat suddenly appears)

Keith Sweat (singing) - "Make it last forever."

Ruliet (fan-girling out) - "Keith Sweat!"

(Keith Sweat is sweating profusely).

Jomeo - "Keith, um, Mr. Sweat, I am going to be candid with you, it looks as if you just ran a marathon in 100 degree weather while wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. You are sweating an ungodly amount, should I get you some water? I do not want you to die on me, I love..." (Ruliet interjects)

Ruliet (animated) - "Oh baby! You said it again! Love."

Jomeo (slightly vexed by the interruption) - "Keith, I mean, Mr. Sweat I...ummm...admire your odd nasally voice over tracks with excess bass, but may you please, please! Stand a minimum of 5 feet from my nachos! You are sweating all over them!!!"

(Keith Sweat passes out due to the loss of water because of his excess perspiration.)

Ruliet (panicked) - "Keith!" (runs over and gives Keith Sweat mouth to mouth resuscitation.)

Jomeo (upset) - "How dare you kiss another man! I thought we were in love? You harlot! How can you not be faithful to me! How dare I ever love you. My heart belonged to you...Dammit Ruliet! (slams his fist on the table) I trusted you!"

Ruliet (pleading) - "It's not what you think, I am CPR certified and I am trying to bring Keith Sweat back to life."

Jomeo - "Fuck him! He doesn't need to be revived; what needs to be revived is his career, he hasn't made a hit in over 20 years!"

Ruliet (offended) - "Excuse me, he is a legend in the r&b game."

Jomeo (rolls eyes) - "Legend, really? Legend is an awfully strong word."

Ruliet - "You are right. I am sorry, will you forgive me? We can look past this, it will only make us stronger."

(Kanye West suddenly appears and begins to rap)

Kanye West (rapping) - "N-now th-that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger."

Jomeo (excited) - "Ye I love..." (Ruliet interjects)

Ruliet (delighted) - "Ohhhh baby you said it again! Say it again. Please for me."

(Before Jomeo can respond, Kanye speaks)

Kanye - "Kanye loves Kanye."

Ruliet (spirited) - "Oh Kanye! Say it again."

Jomeo - "No! No! No! How dare you Kanye! And how dare you my ex-love. You kiss Keith sweat and now you are flirting with Kanye West!? What is next, you are going to play footsies with Drake?"

(Drake is under the table playing footsies with Ruliet. Jomeo spots him.)

Jomeo (shouts at Drake) - "You gotta be kidding me! Drake get out from under that table!"

(Drake listens to the command and jumps up from under the table and lands on top of a tall ladder.)

Drake - "Started from the bottom now we're here."

Jomeo - "You are all absolutely mental! You know what, you three can all have her. I am out of here."

Jomeo exits.

THE END