The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Lunch With Grandpa

(Modern day, inside a hip restaurant. The kind of restaurant that has a plant wall and an exposed brick wall, lots of natural wood, and a patio with string lights. The employees all look like they came out of an Urban Outfitters lookbook. The restaurant's name is just one word.)

Grandson - "I'm caught in the wind, drowning in sin. Life is just something I can't comprehend."

Grandpa - "What are you jabbering on about?"

Grandson - "I'm saying I'm having an existential crisis Grandpa. I feel aimless as if I am a detached leaf, destined to be pushed and pulled by the winds of fate. Furthermore, I am drowning in my own sin. I dive into my passions just to feel something, anything, you know? Just to know that I am still alive and that I am still a human. But after I commit a debaucherous act of pleasure, whether that be eating a ton of junk food, or lying in bed watching a whole TV series, or hunched over my desk masturbating into a crusty sock to a digital pornography video on my phone. Whatever the case may be, after the act has been done and the dopamine wears off, I always feel so guilty, so awful, so empty. I don't know what to do or what to think. Did you, or do you ever have existential crises?"

(The Grandpa is examining the menu back and forth in a baffled manner and is not paying attention to the Grandson.)

Grandpa (mispronouncing some of the words) - "C'mon, where did you take me? Pressed foie gras served with pickled blackberries, smoked Canadian duck, drizzled in a mead and black truffle sauce? What is that!? Or what in the hell is a bee pollen sorbet? Served on a bed of fried purple sea urchin, topped with organic pomegranate seeds! Whatever happened to just a good old-fashioned cheeseburger?"

Grandson - "Globalization has allowed for us to obtain unique and top quality ingredients from all around the world at affordable prices and at any time we wish. Knowledge is universal, and now anyone with access to the internet can learn how to cook a high quality meal. We are far more creative in our dishes and we can recognize the difference in quality. You just have an undeveloped palette, Grandpa. You eat like a child."

Grandpa (places the menu down in annoyance) - "Whatever, I guess I will just ask for the duck with some barbecue sauce."

Grandson - "Grandpa, were you even listening to me?"

Grandpa - "Yeah, you said something about better ingredients...Plagiarizing Papa John."

Grandson - "Whatever, it's no use, no one listens to anyone these days."

Grandpa (staring off into space) - "What did you say? Sorry I wasn't listening."

Grandson (speaking aloud to no one in particular) - "Lure me away and guide me today."

Grandpa - "You sound like one of those beatnik poets from back in my day. You know, the guys who talked about their feelings, slept on their friend's couches, never picked up a tab, chain smoked cigarettes, abandoned their families to impregnate other women only to leave them for drugs and alcohol, and then had the audacity to speak about how superior they were to the ones who chose to be domesticated."

Grandson (rolls his eyes) - "I take it you didn't like them."

Grandpa (passionate) - "Not at all! They were no-good, anti-American commies! Whenever I saw one, you better be damn sure that I introduced them to lady and liberty."

Grandson - "Who?"

Grandpa (raises both his fists) - "The names of my two fists."

Grandson - "Okay Mike Tyson. But anyways, let's get back to me...I'm suffering from nihilism Grandpa."

Grandpa (confused) - "Who is nihilism?"

Grandson - "It is a dreadful condition in which nothing matters, nothing is capable of supplying long lasting meaning. You feel as if everything is pointless. I'm suffering because I am trying to be human in inhuman conditions. I'm trying to be sane in an insane society. I'm trying to find importance and purpose in a world that constantly tells me that there is no purpose and that nothing is really important, especially people. We are just reduced to a meaningless statistic in this meaningless world."

Grandpa - "Ah suffering, the fertilizer needed for growth. We all need shit in our life in order to grow. The better, or let us say the worse the shit, the larger and more beautiful we grow."

Grandson (surprised) - "Thanks Grandpa, those words were actually kind of wise."

Grandpa - "I just read it off the back of this here yoga pamphlet." (shows him the pamphlet he found on the table)

Grandson - "Well, thanks anyways."

Grandpa - "You know, that is what's wrong with this new generation. You all just whine and complain and feel entitled to everything. Life has never been easier, and yet you still suffer and act like you have it so hard. I fought in a war, that's hard."

Grandson - "Grandpa, you do realize that the older generations are responsible for the younger generations. You raised us and built the society that you now criticize."

Grandpa (horrified) - "So this is what it must have felt like to be Dr. Frankenstein when he realized he created a monster. I understand now why he wanted to separate himself from his horrifying creation, and why he tried to abandon it."

Grandson - "You want to abandon me?"

Grandpa - "No, but I probably will soon."

Grandson (dismayed) - "What!? Why?"

Grandpa - "I'm old. I'm going to die sooner or later, and when I do, I want to be buried underneath a willow tree."

Grandson (puzzled) - "Why not a maple tree?"

Grandpa - "Because people will disturb me and I want to be able to rest in peace."

Grandson - "I'm sorry, but I don't understand Grandpa."

Grandpa - "Well you see, maple trees have a delicious maple sap that flows out of the bark. People from all over the world make trips to a maple tree in order to rub their pancakes on the branches and their waffles on the roots. I once rubbed waffles on a maple tree's roots, and their roots wouldn't let go of my Eggo."

Grandson - "Are you being facetious?"

Grandpa - "Are you speaking English?"

Grandson - "Are you telling a joke is what I'm trying to say."

Grandpa - "I'm too old to try to pursue a comedy career."

Grandson - "Your age isn't the reason for why you shouldn't pursue a comedy career, you shouldn't pursue one because you aren't funny."

(The waitress appears)

Grandpa (to the waitress) - "Would you like to hear a joke?"

Waitress (kindly smiles) - "Yeah definitely."

(Grandpa grins at his Grandson, the Grandson rolls his eyes and throws up his hands expressing something like, "oh my gosh, here we go.")

Grandpa - "So yesterday I saw a man spill his Scrabble letters all over the road. I asked him, what's the word on the street?"

(waitress laughs)

Grandpa (triumphantly declares) - "I'm going to be a comedian."

The End