The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

The Bengal Cat of Santa Ana

Cat Owner - "Welcome home, it's been a while. Where have you been?"

Cat - "I've been roaming the streets, you know...getting jiggy with it."

Cat Owner - "Well, I got you your favorite food."

Cat - "Yum, nothing better than some canned fish."

Cat Owner - "Come on! Hurry up and eat before the smell dissipates."

Cat - "Don't tell me what to do!"

Cat Owner - "I am just trying to make sure that each bite is delicious."

Cat - "Some bites won't be as delicious, and that's okay. Not every bite has to be perfect, this isn't a fantasy world, let alone even a fantasy land!"

Cat Owner - "Why does everything have to be a fight with you?"

Cat (puts on boxing gloves) - "Oh you want to fight bitch? I will hit you with the 1-2 Mayweather right now."

Cat Owner (saddened) - "Why would I ever want to fight with my cat?"

Cat (indignant) - "This is why I roam the streets, because of these nonstop questions! When I am out on the streets, I am not getting pestered every single second by you. Leave me alone! Let me be free! Let me go!"

Cat Owner (desperate) - "I CAN'T QUIT YOU!"

Cat - "I'm not asking you to quit me, I'm just asking you to leave me, let me be. (singing the following words) Let me go, let me go, can't hold me back anymoooooore. Let me go, let me go, this furry cat is gone!"

Cat Owner (poignant) - "You know how much your singing really touches me. It speaks to my soul."

Cat - "Yes, I am a very gifted singer...There is a reason I won American Idol, and why I am not invited to karaoke-night anymore."

Cat Owner - "You do know that American Idol was rigged...Also, all the best singers go to The Voice."

Cat (furious) - "Fuck you! And fuck The Voice! Their chairs malfunctioned! That is the reason why none of the judges turned their chairs. They all said I was the best...of all-time! They thought an angel was singing to them, my voice sounded so heavenly that performance. The judges were caught in a sublime trance, and were so lost in my sweet melody that they completely forgot to hit the button that activates the turning of the chair, until it was too late, and then the chairs all simultaneously malfunctioned due to the tardiness of their pressing."

Cat Owner - "Lying to yourself is never a good thing."

Cat (acerbic) - "Neither is eating a bag of potato chips everyday, but you don't see me criticizing you."

Cat Owner (defensive) - "You said you like my curves!"

Cat - "I was drunk and horny when I said so! I would fuck a cow after three shots of Patron."

Cat Owner (deeply hurt) - "LEAVE! And never come back!"

(Cat Owner throws the cat's litter box, toys, and food out the door.) 

Cat Owner (pointing to the door) - "LEAVE! You never loved me!"

Cat (begins walking out the door) - "Get over yourself you old fat hag! I don't need you anyways...I never did...you needed me because you were lonely and miserable."

(Cat Owner shuts the door and loudly cries.)

(The cat goes to the local bar and begins to drink his sorrows away.)

Cat (speaking to the bartender) - "I give her my all, and what does she give me in return? Constant questioning, scolding, and a sloppy hand-job every now and then."

Bartender - "I'm sorry to hear that...Here, have this shot, it looks like you need it. Don't worry it's on the house."

Cat (drinks the shot) - "Oh no...this is my third shot of Patron."

(Later in the night the cat sneaks to a farm and begins fucking a cow.)

(The farmer hears a noise and runs out of his house holding his shotgun. The farmer sees the cat humping his cow and he aims and shoots the cat with his shotgun, blowing the cat into innumerable pieces.)

Farmer (spits some tobacco onto the grass from the side of his mouth) - "Ain't no cats gonna fuck any of my heifers, nuh-uh, not on my watch."

The End.