The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

The Easter Bunny

There once was a bunny who was born on Easter, so he was given the name, The Easter Bunny.

The Easter Bunny loved eggs. He ate 5 eggs every day. He not only loved the taste, but he loved that they provided him with all of his nutritional needs.

The Easter Bunny was fueled by eggs, they not only enabled him to sustain his endurance throughout his races, but they transformed him into the Energizer Bunny. So not only did he win every race he competed in, he won every race while playing and carrying a massive drum across his chest.

The Easter Bunny credited his athletic achievements to his diet of eggs.

His nemesis was the envious tortoise, this tortoise loathed The Easter Bunny. He desperately wished to obtain the tremendous love and adoration that The Easter Bunny received.

The Easter Bunny was soft, cuddly, cute, and best of all, a winner. While the tortoise was hard, wrinkly, slow and a loser.

The clever tortoise was tired of losing to The Easter Bunny so he devised a plan, a devious and heinous plan.

First, he made a trip to his local paint store and purchased a variety of off-market lead paint for a great price as it was no longer allowed to be sold in store and the business owner gladly took cash for inventory that he already wrote off.

Next, he went to the local supermarket and proceeded to purchase a dozen eggs.

Then the inspired tortoise spent all night unleashing his creativity as he painted the eggs.

The following morning, he dropped off the lead-painted eggs at The Easter Bunny's home and claimed it to be a token of friendship.

The Easter Bunny was ecstatic, he thanked the tortoise and gave him a big cuddly hug. While engaged in the hug, the perfidious tortoise flashed a fiendish grin, knowing that his plan was in action.

The Easter Bunny admired the tortoise's artwork, and claimed that he did not want to crack the shell for he didn't want to ruin the art, but the tortoise insisted he do so. He told The Easter Bunny that these eggs contained even more nutritional value, for they were locally grown, organic, free-roaming brown eggs.

The Easter Bunny became jubilant upon hearing those words, he couldn't wait to indulge in their goodness, but first, he had to take photos of the eggs and post them to Instagram. After doing that deed, he was ready to eat them ... completely unaware that the paint was extremely toxic.

The Easter Bunny cracked 5 eggs over the skillet, which caused a lethal accumulation of lead paint chippings to gravely fall into his once nutritional breakfast.

After The Easter Bunny consumed his eggs, he headed to the track to train for the big upcoming race. Hours passed before The Easter Bunny began to feel rather uneasy. He dashed to the nearest wastebasket and began to vomit into it.

The treacherous tortoise rubbed his hands together in a malevolent manner and was thrilled that his plan was working.

Countless critters ran to the aid of The Easter Bunny but none were trained in poison control. The Easter Bunny began to vomit up blood, which he followed up with terrifying convulsions, and soon died thereafter.

The critters who witnessed the death of The Easter Bunny were terribly saddened and horrified by the event. The resentful tortoise on the other hand, expended tremendous amounts of self-restraint in order to not shout in glee.

With just three days before the big race, the cheerful tortoise saw nothing but gold in his future, as well as the love and adoration that comes with winning.

A grand memorial service was held in the honor of The Easter Bunny, as he was dearly loved by all, with the exception of the malicious tortoise of course...since he killed him.

In order to honor the death of The Easter Bunny, all the critters painted eggs and scattered them throughout the forest.

Three days passed and it was now the day of the race, and something quite odd and miraculous occurred, The Easter Bunny appeared. All the critters were shocked and could not believe their eyes, but their eyes passed a lie detector test, therefore they had to believe them!

And indeed, The Easter Bunny was actually standing in front of them. He had risen, he had resurrected, he had defied death, and he was back with a new vigor... and a new groove!

For once he wasn't running around from place to place, he finally received some proper, and much needed rest. Death revitalized him, and made him far quicker and far superior than ever before.

He claimed that the deathly slumber was the best sleep he ever had.

The unsuspecting tortoise saw The Easter Bunny and said, "You gotta be shitting me!"

The gunshot went off and the race began, the tortoise could not keep up with the renewed and respirited Easter Bunny; he blew him away. The Easter Bunny could have ran backwards and stopped to watch a 3-hour film that day and would have still beaten the unequipped tortoise by great lengths.

The Easter Bunny won the race in record time and was awarded the gold medal, as well as sponsorship deals. He was also placed on the cover of a Wheaties Box and soon became the official spokesperson for Subway.

The bitter tortoise could not believe that he was beaten by a zombie bunny and decided to retire. He moved to Florida so that he could enjoy the weather, play golf, eat lettuce and enjoy no personal income tax for his remaining years in his wretched life.

The End