The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Day at the Roller Derby

In a roller derby auditorium. Modern era.

A man jumps up on top of his metal folding chair and begins ardently shouting with both of his hands in the air making the rock n' roll devil horn signs with his hands.

Man - "For those about to mock! We salute youuuu! For those about to Spock! We salute youuuu! For those about to pop, lock, and drop it. We salute youuuuu!"

Roller Derby Woman - "Do you salute the star of the women's roller derby team?"

Man - "Are you the star of the women's roller derby team?"

Roller Derby Woman - "Yeah I'm the star of the women's roller derby team."

Man - "What do they call you?"

Roller Derby Woman - "They call me Big Mac."

Man - "Why Big Mac?"

Woman - "Because I eat a lot of Big Mac's."

Man - "Seems to make sense."

The Roller Derby Woman hits the man in the face with her elbow.

Man (shocked and in pain) - "What was that for!?"

Woman - "You were in my elbowing space, what was I supposed to do?"

Man - "Not elbow me!"

Woman - "I don't make the rules Chief, I just abide by them."

Man - "Abide by this." (holds out a sandwich).

Woman - "What is this?"

Man - "This is a grilled salami sandwich."

Woman - "I only eat my Italian meats cold."

Man - "Refrigerate it then."

Woman - "I can't, I only own a freezer."

Man - "Why?"

Woman - "My apartment didn't come with a refrigerator."

Man - "But it came with just a freezer?"

Woman - "Yep, an industrial one."

Man - "Interesting, what do you keep in it?"

Woman - "Meats...and popsicles. Oh, and my spare roller skates of course."

Man (confused) - "You keep roller skates in the freezer?"

Woman - "Yes."

Man - "Why ever so? Please elaborate."

Woman - "Have you ever participated in roller derby?"

Man - "No."

Woman - "Then there is no point in explaining my reason."

Man - "Fair enough."

The Roller Derby Woman elbows the man in the face again.

Man (annoyed and grabs his face in pain) - "What was that for?"

Woman - "You are still in my elbowing vicinity. Stand back, or you are about to get another elbow straight to the bridge of your nose, fella."

Man - "I've met a lot of insolent people in my life but..."

Woman (interjects) - "I'm immensely sorry to hear that. That must be very unfortunate."

Man - "Indeed it is, but you ma'am take the cake."

Woman - "I have never  taken a cake. A cookie, sure. A jar of peanut butter, yes. But never have I ever, in my life! Taken a cake. Not even from a plate."

Man - "What about taking a cake from a hat?"

Woman - "Not from that either Charlie."

Man - "My name isn't Charlie, and I don't own a chocolate factory."

Woman - "I never said you did, and it doesn't matter what your name is jabroni!"

Man (peeved) - "I'm done with this conversation."

Woman - "We're done when I say we're done, and we're done."

Man - "Thanks, bye." (begins to leave)

Woman (desperate and holds out her hands) - "Wait!"

Man (irritated) - "What?"

Woman - "Don't you want to hear about my bobsledding incident in 03?"

Man - "Why would I ever care to hear about that?!"

Woman - "The story is a fascinating one. It is one of my top 5 tales I tell people when they say, 'Tell me a fascinating story about your life Big Mac.'"

Man - "I haven't asked you to tell me."

Woman - "You don't have to ask."

Man - "And you don't have to call."

Woman - "It's okay girl."

Man - "I'm going to be alright tonight."

Woman - "R.I.P. to Usher."

Man - "He isn't dead."

Woman - "Well I still hope he is able to rest in peace. He has worked for so many years and made so many hit songs, he pushed music in new directions...east, west, south, north, none of these typical directions are able to cover it."

Man - "What happened to his music is an absolute travesty."

Woman - "Those sideburns are a travesty!"

Man - "My girlfriend said I look handsome with them."

Woman - "Your girlfriend lied to you."

Man (honestly perplexed) - "Why would she do that?"

Woman - "Perhaps to make you more unattractive so that you wouldn't be tempted to cheat."

Man - "I am only tempted by pastries."

Woman - "Did you know that there is a sweet pastry that is famous in Valencia, Spain called a "Farton," pronounced: fart-on. It acquires its distinctive taste from a rather gassy employee who farts on the pastry every single morning. He never reveals his diet, therefore the recipe is a treasured secret."

Man - "Sounds disgusting."

Woman - "But tastes amazing."

Man - "I only let my girlfriend fart in my mouth."

Woman - "You are truly revolting."

Man - "Hey James Joyce let his wife fart in his mouth!"

Woman - "Just because someone else performs an act does not make that act suddenly beautiful and sweet. We all take shits, and shits are never not disgusting. Additionally, James Joyce was a madman, and it was his wife's farts that he was gulping down with repulsive pleasure, not his girlfriend's."

Man - "Everyone has their sexual fetishes."

Woman - "Hence why I always avoid the homepage of a porn website. There are things on that homepage that you can never recover from. Truly horrifying shit that would make even Marquis de Sade grimace and squirm."

Man - "I just hate that there is so much to choose from...I feel the same on a porn site the way I do when I am trying to find something to watch on Netflix. It is just so difficult to choose, Sophie had an easier choice."

Woman - "Agreed. Are you taking a selfie?"

Man - "Yes, it would be a crime to pass up on this beauty-enhancing natural light."

Woman - "You truly are a piece of work."

Man - "Thank you?"

Woman - "Not a compliment, I'm leaving."

Man - "What did I say?"

Woman elbows him in the face once more busting his nose. 

Man (he grabs his nose in agony, confusion, and irritation) - "What the hell was that for!?"

Woman - "You were still in my elbowing space, compadre."

THE END