The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

The Science of Beauty

(In an elegant, ornate room, aristocratic in fashion, some time in the past)

Man 1 (enthusiastic) - "She is five times more pretty than any other woman in this room, good sir!"

Man 2- "How can you possibly perform such a calculation without the use of a calculator or Microsoft Excel?"

Man 1 (slightly hubristic) - "I am a mathematician by trade my good boy. This sort of calculation is child's play to a mind like mine old sport. I repeat, mere child's play!" 

Man 2 - "Ah I see. Well why is she not six times, if not seven or eight times more pretty? In other words, why did you stop at only five times?"

Man 1 (baffled by the question) - "Because she is only five times more pretty...Are you pulling my leg? Or do you actually not comprehend? I do not know whether to laugh or to instruct. I do not wish to offend."

Man 2 (places his left hand to his heart, and raises his right hand to speak) - "Please excuse my simple-mindedness sire, but I honestly am ill-informed and unable to comprehend how you came about that number."

Man 1 - "Okay, well allow me to explain. I use the standard scale of feminine beauty of course. Which was created by scientists at Oxford University after years of marvelous research, and I use that standard scale of measurement to calculate every woman..."

Man 2 (interjects) - "Every woman?" (emphasis on the word every).

Man 1 - "Yes! Every woman...who is present. After compiling my statistical data, I organize it all in this trusted journal of mine. (shows journal to other man). And as you see right here, (points to a specific journal entry) she is on average, five times more pretty than all of the other women here in this room."

Man 2 - "I see...Well there is only one other woman here, and she is our mother."

Man 1 - "Still my good boy, the formula works out to her being exactly five times more pretty. One cannot argue nor question science unless you are, or want to appear, as an ignorant, uneducated, primitive fool! And we do not want to appear like that now do we?"

Man 2 (quickly responds) - "Not at all sire!"

Man 1 - "Good! Glad that we are on the same page."

Man 2 (worried) - "We aren't on the same page though. You have your pamphlet open to page 9, I am on page 3."

Man 1 - "Not to worry my good boy, I have a plan." (grabs man 2's/his brother's pamphlet and turns it to page 9.) "There! Now we are on the same page, but you must now leave me be. For I am going to go and speak to the dashing young lady, my dick is terribly dry and the remedy is coitus."

Man 2 (perplexed) - "What?"

Man 1 (slightly peeved) - "Coitus! Sex!"

Man 2 (understands) - "Oh! Got it, I understand now."

Man 1 (palms his forehead in disbelief and shakes his head left to right) - "There is just so much I must teach you my good boy, but it must wait! I just checked my pocket watch and it is indeed time to get my dick wet." (the two high-five one another.)

(Man 1 walks to the woman and immediately gets rejected and walks back to Man 2.)

Man 2 (stupefied) - "Wow that was quick! Did you already have coitus? I didn't think it was possible to have coitus that quickly."

Man 1 (irritated) - "No, I didn't have coitus."

Man 2 (puzzled) - "What, why? Why didn't you get your dick wet and relieve your dry dick?"

Man 1 - "The woman must be married or on her period, or possibly even only into females. You know, that bohemian lifestyle is all the rave these days. These are the only three possibilities for why a woman would reject a man of my caliber."

Man 2 - "The only three?"

Man 1 (with indignation) - "Yes! You heard me right. I did not stutter, nor even slightly hesitate!"

Man 2 (apologetic) - "I apologize! I did not mean to offend."

Man 1 (sighs) - "It is fine, let us go get ice cream. That is always a mood enhancer."

Man 2 (jumps with glee) - "Yay! I want vanilla!"

(the two walk out of the room.)

THE END