The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

The Fire Hydrant

There once lived a fire hydrant. He was proud to be a fire hydrant, he loved to assist the firefighters in putting out fires. He also loved the respect he was given and enjoyed the fact that no cars were allowed to park near him.

Oh yes, this was a brave and dignified fire hydrant.

One day, he was sunbathing and enjoying the beautiful day when a golden retriever approached him. The fire hydrant said, "Yes? What do you want dog? Can't you see that I am sunbathing here, scram! Shoo you dirty mutt!"

The dog, not being fluent in fire hydrant-language, ignored the questions and lifted its leg to give the fire hydrant a golden shower.

The fire hydrant was horrified and felt absolutely disrespected, he screamed, "What the fuck!?"

The golden retriever did not waver, he continued to piss on him with a nice steady, warm stream.

The fire hydrant furiously demanded, "I demand you to stop pissing on me this instant! What do I look like to you, one of R.Kelly's underage lovers?"

The golden retriever responded by saying, "Woof!" Then he strolled away with a smile stamped on his face and his glorious blonde hair blew in the wind.

The fire hydrant felt ashamed, he was belittled. How could a respected fire hydrant be pissed on like that? He was perplexed, his world was turned upside down.

Throughout the next few weeks this sad occurrence continued to befall upon the fire hydrant. He fell victim to the dog pissing all over him, his pleas and demands fell upon deaf, furry ears.

The fire hydrant began to lose his fight, along with his pride. He put up no resistance to the dog piss, he accepted the shameful act. This pitiful acceptance resulted in him falling into massive depression.

Then one day, a fire broke out and the firefighters used the fire hydrant to put out the fire. The neighborhood people revered the men and the fire hydrant. There was a photo of him on the front page of the local newspaper the following day, labeling him as a hero.

He felt empowered, and thought it was now the time to take his revenge on the golden retriever.

He began to think up devious and mischievous plans, until he found one worthy of action.

The next day the golden retriever, whom the fire hydrant despised, came strolling over with that same obnoxious smile on his beautiful blonde face.

As soon as the golden retriever lifted his leg to pee on him, the fire hydrant grabbed his flamethrower and lit the dog on fire.

The dog began to bark in agony! He dashed around in circles as the flames engulfed his body. At that moment he resembled the superhero, "The Dog Torch." Looking for any sort of help, the dog ran to a boy named Timmy and said, "Woof, Woof, Woof!"

Timmy looked at the dog and said, "What is it boy?"

The golden retriever was in a frenzy as he responded, "WOOF!"

Timmy replied, "The other Timmy is stuck in the well!?"

The dog barked in exasperation and shook his head to say no.

Timmy responded by saying, "Oh no! We gotta go get the other Timmy now!" He then sprinted off.

The dog enduring intense torment, barked and barked and barked for help, but to no avail.

The fire hydrant stood there laughing, refusing to spray the dog with water to stop the suffering.

The dog burned alive and transformed into ashes.

The fire hydrant exclaimed, "YES! My planned worked! I got rid of that stupid mutt once and for all!"

Then suddenly the dog emerged from the ashes as a Phoenix! R.Kelly appeared and began to sing the beautiful words, "I Believe I Can Fly..." The Phoenix spread its wings, flew up in the air and the sun shone down upon it. As R.Kelly was hitting the high notes, the Phoenix pushed its urethra with all its might and proudly roared as it pissed all over the fire hydrant's face.

The fire hydrant cried out, "WHYYYYYYY!!!???"

R.Kelly then joined in on the fun as he pissed on the fire hydrant as well and made sure to film it.

R.Kelly then hopped on the Phoenix, and the two flew off into the sunset, disappearing over the mountains.

The fire hydrant stood there, covered in piss, cursing the world.

The End.