The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Artsy Fartsy - The National Museum of Art

Inside of a quiet, sumptuous art museum.

Museum guest farts.

Guard (with indignation) - "No farting on the Matisse!"

Guest (defensive) - "At best I crop dusted the Matisse! I didn't fart directly onto it."

Guard - "Yes you did."

Guest - "No, my asshole was never directly on the canvas."

Guard - "Alright...well, no crop dusting either."

Guest - "Fair enough." farts once more

Guard (upset) - "Hey!"

Guest - "I'm nowhere near the Matisse, and this Rodin sculpture is just one of his numerous copies."

Guard - "That doesn't mean you can fart on it, sir."

Guest - "Oh, I thought I read it on the map directory of the museum."

Guard - "Why would that ever be placed on the museum's official map?"

Guest - "I thought it was strange, but I also rarely visit museums so I didn't question it. I thought perhaps it was just a customary thing."

Guard - "That farting on replicas was the thing to do?"

Guest - "Yeah."

Guard - "Please get out of my eyesight. Go straight outside of this room, make a right down the corridor and go to the bathroom, sir. When you are there, please take a shit so that you can stop farting all over this prestigious establishment."

Guest - "I already tried that sir, but honestly, all I could get out was some gas. I just think I am gassy." (pats stomach and farts again)

Guard - "I truly hate you."

Guest - "That is quite strong, sir."

(Another guest comes walking by and lifts her leg up and loudly farts on the Rodin sculpture, her dress even ripples from the air of the fart)

Guard (furious) "What the hell ma'am!?"

Woman Guest (with innocent confusion) - "What? It says here on the map that I can do so." (she pulls out the museum's official map that they give to guests upon entering).

Guest - "I told you it said it!"

Guard - "Why would that ever be on a map!?"

Woman Guest (shrugs shoulders) - "Don't ask me, I didn't write it. I found it odd, but I didn't question it. I know many things in art can be peculiar. Didn't some artist literally sell jars of his feces for $300,000 a jar, and art collectors greedily and eagerly purchased it? That is more disgusting and odd than museum attendees farting on replica sculptures." (farts on the sculpture once more)

Guard - "Hey!"

Another museum guest walks by, squats down, puts both hands on their knees, bends over and turns around so that their butt is directly in front of the Rodin sculpture, they then proceed to fart with such ferocity and velocity that the Rodin sculpture topples over and shatters when it makes contact with the floor.

Guard (throws up his hands) - "I give up."

The END