The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Spiderman

There once lived a man who loved spiders, he loved them so much that one day he decided to marry one. The man and the spider consummated the marriage and bore a boy: half man, half spider. He was known as Spiderboy, until he grew a beard and then people began to refer to him as Spiderman. He enjoyed weaving, climbing, and making tacos. He was harassed often for being odd looking, and most people found him to be a freak that should not exist. 

One day, the subhuman specimen was greeted by a bald headed man in a wheelchair. He said, "Hello Spiderman, my name is Professor X and we here at the X-Men Academy of Mutants want you."

Spiderman said, "First off, I am not a mutant, I am a cisgender mutant. Secondly, Uncle Sam and the U.S. military already recruited me and told me how much they wanted me and I already signed a contract, so too late...get off my porch! Also, how in the hell did you even reach my front door, my entrance is not handicap accessible!"

Professor X responded, "I have superpowers."

Spiderman said, "Fair enough...but still, scram!"

Spiderman arrived for his first day of basic training and was given a uniform, but the pants would not fit around his 8 legs. The drill sergeant said, "What the hell cadet!? Why aren't you dressed!?"

Spiderman said, "These pants will not fit, for these pants were meant for people with 2 legs, and I have 8."

The Sergeant boiling with fury said, "We do not make exceptions for anyone! No one here is allowed to stand out. Squeeze your 8 legs into these pants or get the fuck out of my face cadet!"

Spiderman attempted to squeeze his 8 legs into the pants, but to no avail, therefore, he was discharged from the military. He arrived home saddened and defeated, so he decided to go drink his sorrows away at a local bar.

While at the bar, Spiderman began to have a conversation with the bartender. They talked and talked, laughed and flirted. Spiderman even showed off his vocal skills and did his best T-Pain impression when he sang to her, "I like the barrrrrteeenndderrr..."

Eventually the two ended up having dirty sex together that night in the back alley by the dumpster while a homeless man pissed beside them and horrifically screamed at the demons he could only see.

Later he found out that she was pregnant, and she claimed it was his child.

He didn't believe her, so they decided to go on the popular daytime television show, The Maury Show, to find out the truth.

Maury said, "The DNA results are in, and the results say...Spiderman, you are the father!"

Darth Vader arose from his seat angrily and proclaimed, "I already told the child that I am his father."

Spiderman tried to make it work with the bartender but after years of fighting, drinking, and infidelity by both parties, the two decided to split up.

The child had four legs and was bullied at school for being different. Children would run up to him and point in his face and shout, "SUPER-FREAK! SUPER-FREAK! YOU'RE SUPER FREAKYYYY...YOW!"

The child attempted to tell his parents of the harassment he was enduring, but both were too concerned with whom of the two was the fault of the other's woes.

The child aged and eventually was greeted by Professor X. Professor X said, "Hello, I met with your father some years ago and he turned down my offer...but I am here to present you with that same offer. I represent the X-Men Academy of Mutants, and we want you to join."

The child was shocked, he said, "You want me? No one has ever wanted me around before."

Professor X replied, "Yes son, we want you. For you are unique, and bear special powers."

The child staggered by the assertion said, "Wow...I never knew it was good to be different."

Professor X smiled and said, "It's never too late to learn something new."

The child went off to the X-Men Academy of Mutants but had to take out a massive student loan to attend. By the time he graduated, he racked up over $200,000 of student loan debt. He then came to the harsh realization that his Mutant Studies degree was not something employers were seeking. Therefore, he ended up having to take a job at the local Applebee's.

While at Applebee's, he formed an intimate relationship with his coworker, and the two ended up dating. Despite their constant fighting, and despite their differing beliefs, values and interests, the two swore they were in love, and had a child. The child was bullied for being a freak, and his parents grew to hate each other and cheat on one another. The cycle was then repeated again, and again, and again. Each new generation making similar mistakes as their parents, falling into the same patterns, dealing with the same type of traumas. 

The End