The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

Exodus Part 1

This is the true story of Moses, Aaron, Miriam and the 300 Israelites. The chosen people of God, who were led out of slavery in Egypt by the prophet Moses and were heading to the promised land known as Canaan. These Israelites escaped slavery through the power of God, using Moses as a vessel and his trusty staff as the tool of God. Plagues were brought onto Egypt until the Pharaoh finally decided to let the Israelites go, in order to appease his people and stop all of the horrific plagues that were killing his Egyptian people.

When he finally agreed to let them go, his trusted staff of advisors called the Pharaoh a weak male who should be ashamed of letting these people flee and not taking vengeance upon the people whose God killed his first born son. Additionally, the Egyptian aristocracy were vehemently upset due to the loss of their slaves. Who would plow their fields?! Who would fan them on hot days?! Who would make them iced tea and biscuits?! This could not happen, how would they endure? Thus, the Pharaoh called his army into duty and led his troops in pursuit of the Israelites.

The Israelites, led by Aaron and Moses, were at the Red Sea perplexed about how they would cross. They did not have a boat, nor was there a bridge and a majority of them could not swim, and there were not any life floaties laying around for use. To make matters worse, an Israelite who wandered off into nature to a secluded hill spot in order to take a piss in private, spotted the Egyptians heading towards them. This Israelite in particular had an enlarged prostate that caused urinal problems, therefore he had trouble pissing which made his pee-time duration vastly longer than the norm. After a few valuable minutes passed, the Israelite ran down the hill as fast as he could run, maybe 5 kilometers per hour (he was not particularly fast), and began to shout to his fellow Israelites about the pursuing Egyptians.

The Israelite in a panicked tone shouted, "The Egyptians are coming! I repeat, the Egyptians are coming. And by the look of their faces, they look very unhappy."

Upon hearing this warning, fear infected the entire tribe and they all entered a state of intense perturbation. They called out to Moses in order to help them. "Moses! You got to do something. The Egyptians are coming and we have nowhere to go. We are trapped."

Men, women and children began to sob and weep as they began to reflect on their possible death or return to enslavement.

Moses swiftly called out to the Lord and said, "What shall I do my Lord? How are we to cross? I failed to recall the fact that we would need to cross the Red Sea. I am not sure how all of the leaders failed to recognize this inevitable hindrance but that is not to be debated nor reflected when time is of the utmost essence."

The Lord answered Moses' call and commanded him to hold his wooden staff over the sea and informed him that he would part the Red Sea.

Moses obediently listened, he firmly gripped his wooden staff and held it over the waters. Then to everyone's great amazement the sea began to part and the sea floor was revealed.

By this time, the Israelites were hard to amaze for they were experiencing miracles every single day, thus they did not truly comprehend this event as something fantastic. They were just greatly relieved. Some even complained, for the sea floor was wet and they were wearing cloth moccasins that would become unwearable and full of mildew and mold after the walk. Some were upset that the wind and water were doing a number on their hair.

Moses led the way with his brother and sister following near. The 300 other Israelites trailed behind. The walls of the Red Sea extended high into the sky and were suspended in order to prevent a collapsing of the two segments.

The Pharaoh and his army were shocked by this sight. Some of the soldiers turned around and fled back to Egypt. They realized that the Israelites' God was powerful and they did not want to die that day because their favorite show was airing a new episode that evening that they have been waiting to watch.