new arrival

hangover sadness

I awoke feeling like i might just die. Am i being overdramatic? perhaps but the level of sickness that i felt was not worth it. My head curently felt like it was being squeezed by the worlds strongest person and my stomach was churning like i had been on a rocky boat for days and i had extreme sea sickness. All i can taste is vodka and the taste was making me turn green. I had zero energy but i knew i had to drag myself out of bed and to brush my teeth and get rid of this awful taste and to jump into the shower and i was praying that i could wash  away all the embarrassing memories of last night but i had a feeling i would need more than a bar of pears soap to achieve that.

I know that Paul came upstairs last night to check on me and i had my head glued to the toilet while i vomited for what seemed like hours but in reality was more like ten minutes and he held my hair back and rubbed my back and reassured me that i wasnt infact dying and i was experiencing my first ever hangover and i am in no hurry to experience that again. Paul even had to carry me to bed and tucked me in and stayed with me for a while until i fell asleep and he knew i wasnt going to vomit again or choke. I dont think ill ever be able to thank Paul enough for the kindness he showed me.

I dragged myself out of the bathroom and i could hear laughter from the kitchen  and i cant lie it made me think about how happy they are when im not around. I have spent years blaming dad for everything for his drinking and his drugs and him abandoning me and then coming back with Yoko but maybe all this time i have been the problem.

When i am not there they sound happy and sound like what i think a normal family would sound like at breakfast just happy to be around each other. I decide i have to face to the music and go downstairs.

Mother and India and dad are all sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and there laughing and enjoying each others company but the second i walk into the room everything goes quiet and i feel like a huge vacuum that has sucked the fun out of there lifes simply with my precense.

" you's don't have to stop talking just because i enter a room. You's can continue enjoying yourselves without me."

" oh i have alot i want to talk to you bout young lady."

Here we go i was mentally preparing myself for one of mothers lectures 

"im sure you have mother but im going to grab myself some cereal while you preach to me."

" what were you thinking last night? drinking when your underage and drinking to excess like that is dangerous."

" Look i know it wasnt my smartest idea but i just needed to let of some steam especially after everything i have had to deal with."

" You need to find another way to let of steam because alcohol isnt it. First its illegal and its dangerous. You drank until you were a messy drunk and was falling everywhere."

"Oh come on i fell once and Paul was there to catch me."

" What if Paul hadnt been there to catch you huh?"

" Then the ground would of caught me its no big deal" i said interuppting her

" i was going to say what if you got drunk like that with other people anything could of happened to you and you would not of been able to do a thing to stop it because you were messy drunk."

" I would never get that messy drunk when im out with people. Like be real i dont even have any friends to get drunk with. I have no one."

" Yeah you feel like that now but what happens when you get older and make friends and start to to go out to parties and such and there is drink involved and you get drunk like you did last night it is so beyond dangerous and im wanting you to learn from this because next time Paul might not be there to look after you."

" I understand and im sorry"

" do you actually think that when India is old enough to go out and party with boys that Paul or one  of our other uncles wont be following her because i can bet they will all be following her" Hollie jokes trying to defuse the tension.

" Well thats one thing sorted now we have to mend this war between you and your father."

Dad hasnt even looked at me the only time he has shown any kind of emotion was annoyance when Hollie said about me partying with boys. The rest of the time he hasnt even looked at me and it spoke louder than his words could.

" Mother there was things said last night that i just cant forgive did i say hurtful things to him? i sure did but im not sorry for it because what i said is how i feel. Every time John gets drunk he always finds a way to tell me how im nothing but a mistake and how Hollie was made from love and that she is the favourite. You cant keep telling me that and then try and tell me he didnt mean it. "

" You have to know that he loves you both the same." mother says and even she doesnt sound convinced.

" Maybe that was true when we were kids but defintely not now and thats ok. I understand it i have been threw so much that it has changed me as a person i feel like im very jaded that im just waiting for the next drama to arrive. My fun has gone and i know that i am hard and draining to be around. Hollie has had a different life a more protected and included life and is much happier so she obviously is the one everyone wants to be around, I am just the practice child for the kid you's really wanted."

" we have always wanted you India please dont think that way" mum said holding back the tears as dad still looks completly emotionless and unintrested.

" Look i know i was a mistake and Hollie was planned and if i didnt know John made sure last night i knew it. We could literally spend all day talking but we would just be going round in circles there is no fix to this. Whats done is done and there is only one outcome to this and thats for me and John to ignore each other. He can get to enjoy the child he wanted while the child he didnt gets to navigate her new life without a dad and dont try and stop this mother as there is no fix to this. We could keep pretending that everything is fine but id always be waiting for the next time he breaks my heart. If we ever get to the point where we cant even stomach to see each other then id just have to ask Paul if i could live with him again."

" It will never get to that stage India i promise you i will fix this" Mum says

"it isnt really in your hands no more mum. The only person who can fix this is John"