new arrival

dangerous times ahead

Things have been  kind of crazy here for the past few days Cynthia's mother is ill so she has taken hollie to visit her so Cyn can look after her and me and India are enjoying ourselves we are having fun and im enjoying all this one on one time with India. Every time i look at her i just feel all this love for her .

I had gotten India to sleep after having to tell her yet again the story about how i met her uncles Paul George and Ringo and how we became a band and that night Yoko phones me completely out of the blue and at first i thought that she was trying to make me come back to her so we can be a family like she wants but i am just not interested in going down that path again we are definitely better being apart but what she had to tell me was not that she wanted me back what she said left me feeling destroyed and broken and empty and sad and it left me angry feeling extremely angry at how cruel life can be she told me that she had suffered a miscarriage.

I feel as if im living inside a bubble and i can't focus on anything that is going on outside of the bubble all i can think about is the pain im in and i cant stop thinking about the child that wasn't meant to be and if the child would of been a girl or a boy and who would the child look like me or yoko and i am completely numb to everything else outside of what i feel. I could not handle how much pain i was in i honestly had not felt this much hurt since i lost my mother but somehow this felt worse i had known my mother had spent time with her i had not had the chance to meet my baby or to say hi or tell my kid how much i loved him or her i desperately needed something to numb my pain something to stop me thinking. i was thinking about no one but me i was not thinking about the beautiful child that was in her bed fast sleep or the little girl who is with her mother now all i could think about was myself. 

I spent all night laying in bed staring at the ceiling and in the morning i woke up and rang alot of people who i used to hang out with back in the day when i went crazy and told them to come to my house and bring alot of alcohol and drugs with them as i needed to escape from feeling anything.

India woke up to the sound of laughter and alot of different voices some were shouting some were just talking softly but the noise so early in the morning was confusing to India. She got out of bed her hair all askew from a nights sleep and her Elmo nightdress all wrinkled and she sleepily made her way to the top of the stairs when she saw the stairs littered with people she did not know some were sitting staring into space and others were kissing each other or hugging each other. India gingerly made her way downstairs and she grew scared when everyone turned to look at the little girl so out of place with the environment that was going on. some man said she must be an angel that was here to get us back on the path of the lord which India could not understand what he meant some just stared there eyes blank of any hint of emotion or life. One man grabbed hold of her hand and told her he loved her and India just pulled her hand away and quickly went in search of her daddy.

She finally found him in the garden sitting on a wooden bench with a blonde woman on his knee and he was kissing her

" Daddy" she said her voice sounding so small and vulnerable 

John quickly detached his lips from the woman's bight red lips upon hearing his daughters voice

" there's my little angelface isn't she just beautiful" he said to the woman who was stroking his face

"  im tellin ya love if any lad kisses her or even talks to her when she gets older ill cripple them" the young girl laughed and tried to kiss him again but John pulled back 

"you think im joking don't you" john shouted his voice turning angry

"daddy why are there so many people here is it someones birthday" India asked making John chuckle India knew something was wrong with her daddy by the way he was acting he seemed like he was someplace else