new arrival

self hatred

The silence was overbearing. I was sat looking around the room desperate for somebody to say something to break the tension. I didn't care what was said I just needed something to be said. 

Everyone just didn't know what to do. I looked around and mum was crying into her hands and Ringo was pacing around the room just trying to take in what had happened and dad well he sat his face emotionless and he was staring into space his fists clenched and I grew scared.

" uhm I think I am going to go to bed I need some rest. Its been a bad night and im tired"

I sat there waiting for someone to speak to me to even acknowledge that I was in the room but the room remained silent and I continued to be ignored.

I arose from my seat and I walked up the stairs and entered the bathroom and I broke down into tears. My life was just one huge disappointment to my family I always bring heartache to everyone. I hated my life and mainly I hated myself. I hated every single part of me.

" it would just be better if I was gone" I said to myself as I looked down at my already cut wrists and before I knew it I had a razor in my hands I was creating new cuts on my wrists and it made me feel better.

I knew what I was doing was bad and that it wasn't safe and I knew that it wasn't helping me at all but I just didn't care. I didn't care about life anymore. The scary part was I didn't care if I died apart of me wanted that because then I wouldn't cause my family anymore pain and they could live happy life's like they deserved to. I knew they would be sad for a while and grieve for me but then they would be ok and they would be happy just mum and dad and Hollie with they boys. If I died id be free from feeling this sadness and free from feeling like a failure.

I cleaned up my wrists and went into my bedroom and changed into my  nightwear and I got into bed and fell into a troubled sleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling just as bad as I did the night before and all I wanted to do was to stay in bed and never move again but I forced myself to get up and I went and used the bathroom and I jumped into the shower and I seen a razor and my head was screaming telling me to cut that I will feel better if I did it and that if im lucky I could be taken away from this overwhelming sadness and I succumbed and I added more cuts to my already cut up wrists. 

I didn't feel any better. it made me feel worse because I now felt ashamed and I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I didn't recognize the girl staring back.

I got dried off and put on some fresh clean clothes and walked downstairs to get some breakfast and mum and dad and Hollie were all in the kitchen and everyone went silent when I walked into the room which made me feel awkward

" you can talk in front of me you know. It makes everything more awkward when you all go silent when I enter a room."

" im sorry sweetie I just dont know what to say" Cynthia said while avoiding eye contact.

" just treat me like you did before all this happened. Im still India I dont want this to change how you all treat me.

" its just hard I feel such guilt"

" why would you ever feel guilt for mum?"

" because im meant to look after you and I have failed you yet again. I haven't been a good mum to you and im sorry"

" yeah you haven't been a good mum. You have been a great mother and im so lucky to have you in  my life and I love you"

Cynthia started to cry and India went over to and gave her a hug and when she done that the arm of her jumper bunched up and her cuts were on show and John saw them and he went pale with shock.

"India whats happened to your arms? why are they covered in cuts?"

India froze unable to speak she looked at her dad and he was angry actually he wasn't angry he was furious

I didn't know to say..