new arrival

in my thoughts

I spent a full 3 hours with George when his home phone rang and he went and answered it.

"Hullo"

"Yes John she's here still.. oh ok.. yes I'll driver her home.. ok John.. bye"

I looked up at George kinda knowing what was happening

"I gotta go home now right?"

"Yeah your dinners ready"

I dreaded this moment having to go home with this hand print on my face. I know I have to tell them as i dont want to keep secrets and I don't want to hide the bad stuff from them. I'm working on being more open and honest with them and trying hard to talk threw my emotions so I don't do anything silly.

Sitting in George's tiny little car feeling so anxious.

"What's going threw that mind of yours?"

"I'm nervous geo. Having to tell dad what happened is just gonna cause more trouble but I can't withhold what happened from them as I promised to never hide things like that from them again.

"Just go and be honest tell then how you feel it isn't as scary as you're imaging it to be"

"You're right as usual"

"I know" George laughs and manages to bring a smile to my face.

We finally arrive back home

"Thank you uncle George for listening to me. You are always there when I need you and that's quite often"

"You're so welcome now go on into the house and I love you"

"I love you more geo"

I smiled and closed the door and entered the house.

I walked in to find dad spinning holly around the floor and there it is that pang of jealousy. I am 13 and I'm still jealous of her I don't think that will ever change.

Holly has just turned 10 a few weeks ago and she had her friends over for a party and it was hell all these giggling girls all trying to get my dad's attention and dad thinking he's all cool and ugh I was miserable.

Me and holly have gotten abit closer now that we have grown up but I still hold onto a bit of resentment about how different our childhoods have been. Sometimes it feels strange that we have the same parents as our childhoods are like night and day completely different. She had the trip with dad to Liverpool to see his family and I never. I have 2 aunties Jackie and Julia that I have never met and I have cousins that I don't know. There is just some issues that I know it's not her fault and I'm not blaming her at all.

I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy that I have these feelings and I hate that I feel the way I do. I should be a loving older sister and be supporting Holly and deep down i do love her but there is something there that makes me keep my distance from her.

It could be my insecurities actually I know it's my insecurities. I just always feel like I failing. I'm failing at being a great and loving daughter and I'm failing at being a good sister and I'm failing at school. I am just struggling to find my place in life. I'm struggling to find out who I am as a teenager.

I know I'm John lennons daughter that's how the world and the people at school know me as. I wanna be so much more than his daughter I don't want to sound ungrateful because I love my dad and I'm proud of everything he has achieved he isn't perfect but he has gotten threw every bad situation life has thrown at him and has grew from it. I'm so blessed and thankfull for the life he was provided for us all
We never have to worry about money or about where our next meal is coming from and im so blessed about that but I wanna be more and do more in life than being just John lennons daughter.

I want to help people who are troubled like I am i just don't know how I can do that when I'm still so screwed up. My life has been so crazy and so much has happened to me I feel like I have been my parents guinea pig. Like when I was kidnapped it was because I was so accessible to the public. John always allowed the press to see and allowed some fans to hold me as a baby so every one knew me and knew what I looked like so it was easier for them to gain access to me. Hollie didn't have that they sheltered her and protected her more. I often wondered how different I would be if I would of been sheltered and protected like that. I think i would of been more carefree more fun and more loving and maybe would of had friends. I'm not saying my parents did a horrible job raising me they didn't but it was a crazy time and alot was happening and Hollie was a baby so she didn't witness any of the bad stuff I was older and stuck to my dad's side so I faced it all at a young age.

"What are you doing just standing in the hallway" mom asked tearing me away from my thoughts

"I was just in my thoughts"

"Baby what happened to your face" she asked inspecting the handprint on my cheek

"One of the bullies hit me today"

"I'm so sorry sweetheart"

"Its ok just part of school life for me"

"Does your dad know yet?"

"No I haven't seen him yet"

Cyns face went pale

"Oh god hes going to go mad"

Mum was right he was going to go crazy and I was not looking forward to it.