new arrival

the kids get along but whats up with john

Family life has been going great for us lately. India and Hollie get on alot better now. India is 6 and Hollie is 2 and there personalities are so different that it is hard to believe that they are sisters 

India is still a drama queen she still dresses up in my clothes and puts on little plays and she has now taken to putting my make up on which always ends in disaster and i have learned that red lipstick is hard to remove from clothes. She still throws tantrums but they are alot less than they used to be and she is still jealous if anyone is getting more attention than her but she is still so loving and caring and funny and as cute a s a button and yes she still is  a daddy's girl

Hollie is quiet and likes to have more one on one attention and John was surprised to learn that she was not into the girlie stuff like India. Hollie likes playing with cars and things like that Hollie is a mummy's girl wherever i go Hollie follows me which i love but John is trying hard to turn her into another daddy's girl

The only thing that is going wrong in our family life is the way John is acting lately. Since the death of Brian John has been going crazy and out most days drinking and taking drugs. i have not seen John behave the way he has been lately since his younger days when he was in the quarrymen and i remember what he was like and it scares me when he is drunk or stoned it only takes someone to say something to him that he does not like and he goes crazy sometimes shouting and screaming and on the worse occasions he can be a hitter then the next day he forgets what he has done and is so sorry about it.

I am always reminding John that he cannot act this way no more that he is not a young kid with no responsibilities that he is a father and i don't want my kids to have to see him drunk and stoned every time he returns home. he always promises me that he will stop and that he wont come home in a state and scare the girls but he always does

Hollie is at a age where she is in bed by the time that John returns home so she is not witness to his behaviour she only ever see's John sober and im glad of that. India is different she will not go to bed until she see's John and she can see he is ok its like she is his mother and she has to make sure he is ok. India knows that something is wrong with him but she is to young to know about alcohol and drugs and because she thinks her daddy is ill she has become clingy to him which annoys John is he is drunk.

" India darling why don't you go on up to bed and watch your cartoons" i ask knowing John will be home soon and i don't want India to see him drunk again

" no daddy will be home soon and i want to see him"

"but daddy might be in a bad mood when he gets home"

" why will he be mad mommy i have been a good girl today"

"i know you have been but daddy is still upset about Brian going to heaven"

" mommy why does Daddy not love me anymore"

she asked her eyes just overflowing with sadness and i had to bite down on my lip to stop myself from crying 

" he does love you he loves you so much India why do you ask that"

" because every time i see him he is angry at me or tells me to go away and i don't think he likes me now"

Before Cynthia could answer her and comfort her John came staggering in threw the front door and Cynthia's heart just dropped

John came into the living room his eyes dark and full of anger and he nearly fell over there coffee table

India ran towards her daddy 

" daddy your home i missed you"

John looked at her with a look like he was looking threw her like he was not really here with us his body was here but his mind was possessed by drugs and beer

" why the fuck would you miss me for"

" mind your language John" Cyn snapped

" oh sorry forgot i have to be nice to the princess" he sniggered 

" i missed you because your my daddy and i love you" she answered her voice shaking from fear

John bent down and looked India in the face

" i wish that i was not your daddy i wish that i wasn't any body's daddy and i don't love you your just a kid that i have to look after"

India began to cry and John just rolled his eyes and went to walk past her but he stumbled and bumped into India so hard she stumbled across the room and hit her arm of the coffee table and she began to sob harder

I ran past John who lay on the sofa and went straight to India lifting her up and carrying her into her bedroom and setting her onto her bed

" where does it hurt?"

" my arm hurts where i fell mummy "

Cynthia checked her arm and saw a cut on her arm

" you stay here im just going to get the first aid box from the bathroom"

Cynthia retrieved the box from the bathroom and found a stash of drugs right next to India's toothbrush and some of the drugs and spilled open and abit was on India's toothbrush

" you stupid man" Cynthia said to herself throwing John's drugs in the bin along with India's toothbrush

Cynthia spent the night cleaning up her daughter's wound and calming her down until she fell asleep