Twice's 10th Member Haeju

mY fiRsT mAFia gAmE - pARt 11

I clear my throat.

"The truth is... Do you know that I'm socially awkward?"

"Yes, I have this really bad habit of leaving my friends. Every time I get too close to someone, The next day I try to avoid them," I start speaking, "Yeah, it's as weird as how it sounds. I'm not sure why I do that. There are no such things as ex-best friends in this life, but I have plenty of them. I guess I'm afraid to have a bond with someone. I hardly trust people.

As I'm growing, I learned not to trust people and live individually. It's always hard for me to make a new friend. I'm afraid that if I befriend someone, I would just end up leaving them. I'm afraid to break my heart and that person's heart.

One day I just gave up. I tried to embrace loneliness and apparently that wasn't so bad. I tried to unlove people and became a lone wolf. I was used to being lonely. Surprisingly being alone made me stronger.

But the bad habit is still here. You know, I really enjoy being close with someone. But I try not to do that because I know if I get too close with someone, I might automatically leave them one day.

And as the love that I receive gets stronger, I doubt myself even more.

I think maybe 'they don't like me as much as I enjoy being around with them' or 'do they just pretend to like me?' or sometimes I thought 'I'm sure a burden for them because I bring nothing here except problems'.

I'm afraid that you won't like me. I'm insecure with what I feel to you. I deny it when you care to me. I deny it even when it's just a smile. I'm afraid it won't last long. I'm afraid to be left again. And I'm afraid I love somebody too much that it makes me leaving them again.

I'm not a typical person who is afraid of blood, ghosts, bugs or snake. I'm not afraid of the death. I'm not afraid of people who are stronger than me. No. And I guess I'm not afraid of loneliness either.

I'm just afraid to have friends. I'm afraid of losing them. I confess that I... I..."

I'm sobbing that makes me can't continue my sentences. My faces are so wet of tears.

I can't confess that I'm afraid but I really want you to know.

"I am afraid of being loved," I whisper.