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98

<<Sorrows>>

"I have one question", Shawn says suddenly. "And please don't pull me from the couch, if it's inappropriate."

"We'll see", I grin shortly. Then I'm getting serious again. "Go ahead."

We're sitting on his couch and still wait for dinner to get ready, while watching the snowflakes outside falling. The chimney's fire gives the room a way more comfy and warm glance.

Shawn runs his fingers through his hair, and I observe a bit fascinated how the lights reflect on the rings he's wearing. He pulls back some strains of hair that fall immediately back into his face – supporting his messy-but-even-though-good-looking-appeal. Shawn hems. "Why did you let Amy pretend to be you in the first place? Why didn't you say something immediately?"

Shit. Taff question.

I need some seconds to organize my thoughts, than I say still hesitating: "I guess I just thought, she was right. - She was kinda right with what she was doing. - She saw you were searching for a special something I hadn't."
I stare into the fire, hoping, that Shawn would be satisfied by my answer, but when I finally look up, I see him watching me, looking kinda angry and sad at the same time. Our eyes interlock, and the expression on his face's leaving for a more serious one. He moves a bit in my direction on the couch and looks at me questioning, asking if he could take my hand.
I take his hand as an answer and our fingers interlock with each others. This feeling – his warm hand in mine, the touch of his thumb on my palm – makes me kinda crazy. The sparks are flying, and that's not only the chimney's fault.

"Whoever made you ever think, that you were not enough, that you weren't something special, were totally idiots", Shawn says suddenly. "And I'm counting myself to them. And I'm really sorry for that."

I want to say something, but he interrupts me with a soft pressure on my hand. "No Mandy, please listen to me. I know, I don't deserve that you do, gosh, I do deserve so many other things than you, listening to me, but I really want to excuse myself. I didn't act right. I said things that weren't right, and I was a totally different person from the person I want to be. And I hate myself for the things that I said and did, but I hate myself much more that I did hurt you."

"You don't have to hate yourself", I say, but my pulse is extremly high. "I mean a bit less arrogance would be good, sure, but I think you've made it all up with this kinda really impressing speech. – My gosh, how long did you practice that face in front of the mirror?!"

"Do you really think, I'm not able to apologize without practice?"

"I don't know. Maybe you are. But it doesn't really matter, cause I'm kinda thinking right now about how to tell you, I've accepted your apology, and how to apologize myself."

Shawn raises an eyebrow and smiles. "Just go for it. I'm listening."

"You really make that as easy as you can do, don't you?"

"We're both not that good in doing things easy, aren't we?", Shawn says with a little grin.

I shrug and reply his grin only half-hearted. "I wish, we were. Had been." I press my free hand against my fore-head. Than I led it sink and reply Shawn's gaze again. "I'm sorry."

He's just waiting. Waiting, but not impatiently, more than someone who know's how important it is to free his mind. The city behind him is glancing as thousands of stars, competing with the snowflakes still dancing down from the sky. Somehow, snow plays really an important part of the story I have with Shawn. And somehow it reminds me of something.

Someone.

Shit.

I losen my grip around Shawn's hand and cross my arms to overcome the feeling of sudden loss. "I'm sorry."

"For what now?" Shawn looks really irritaded, and I swallow hard. "I can't do this. We can't do this."

He states the simpliest question but also the hardest one you can state in such a moment: "Why?"