ShawnMendes entered Wattpad.

99

"I don't know, what Connor told you, ... but he and I ... we ...", my words get lost on the way out there. I try to find my language again, and somehow I manage it. "We're kinda a ... a thing."

"You're ... a thing", Shawn stares at me. Probably he's wondering, what exactly I'm gonna try to say, but to be honest: I don't know that either. I just know, that I can't betray Connor. Not in such a way. I mean what a situation: All this time, I thought – and felt – like I was kinda betraying Shawn. I mean we were never together. Not even near to that. But it just didn't feel right. Dating someone else, kissing, making out, all these things. And now I am here with Shawn I feel so bad for Connor. Remembering what he'd tell me. That every girl he met fell for Shawn. That he'd never had a real chance beside Shawn. That everytime he met someone, they ended up wanting to be with Shawn. And they may didn't end up with him, but for Connor this did suck. And now – even if we've decided to stay only friends for now – it would crack his heart surely. Not entirely - I am not that arrogant to think something like that, but it would probably hurt him.

"Are you trying to say, that you – and Connor – are a couple?" Shawn speaks with an almost neutral tone, and I can't say what is going on inside of him.
I hem. "No, we aren't a ... couple. We're just friends. For now at least. We'd say, we'd look, where this all goes."

"So and where does it go?" Shawn's saying, still having this strange neutral tone.

"I don't know. I really don't know." I put my head into my hands. Inside, I know and I guess I always knew that Connor and won't be ever more than friends. I just didn't want to hurt him, and I was still hurt from Shawn and everything, and I was too confused by all of this to clear the table in a proper way. Something that I should definitely do so when I talk to Connor the next time. So, soon. But can I do this to him? Starting something with Shawn? Even if I would want to, can I do this to Connor?

"Do you love him?"

I lift my head. "What?!"

"Easy question: Do you love him?"

Easy answer: No. I don't. But I like Connor although. And maybe... I don't want to hit him with news from Shawn and I and then having to call it all off the next second. It would leave a lot of pieces. I have no idea, where this with Shawn will lead to. I have no idea what actually is going on between us right now. (Besides the sparks flying and the whole electricity-goes-down-my-spine-when-you-look-at-me.) So I just shake my head.

"So you have to know: I love him." Shawn gives me a small smile. "Connor's my best friend, and I'm not gonna let him get hurt on purpose. So if you've made him hopes, if you got his hopes high, then I won't interfere. As hard as it may be, I won't. Cause he's my brother. And brother's don't do such things to each other."

I need some seconds to realize, what Shawn just said. Did he really tell me right now, that if Connor and I wanted to, we'd have his blessing? That he'd not be mad at Connor? But also ... That he'd not be hurt?

"I'd be hurt of course", Shawn says it now with a spark of amusement in his voice. "And you did think loud again."

"What?!"

"Gosh, I really have no idea, how you didn't tell me at the stadium – or in the car – or at the party – or on Wattpad – right now, from the place away, that you were the one I was writing with. As often as you recently did tell me things you're thinking loud, I really have to wonder."

Me too.

This time, I didn't say it loud. I breath in. And out. Then I hem. "Let's just say right now that Connor and I don't have that special chemistry I would want to have with someone I'm considering as my future-husband."

"Oh, you're searching a husband, eh?" Shawn's raising now both eyebrows and his face darkens a bit. "I thought, you'd be a bit young for that."

"I'm twenty-two. You can't tell me, that you'd never think about that as a quality you at least consider all of your past loves." I didn't want it to come of so serious, but now I am really curious for Shawn's answer.

A moment in silence.

"I did."

"So, I'm not asking Connor to marry me right now, neither am I expecting you to", I say, rolling my eyes a bit. "But you can feel if you want to be bonded with someone or not. And I'm not playing games. Not with Connor – I told him as good as I could how I felt back then. About all of this. – But feelings can change. And I have no intention to fool him. And I'm neither playing with you. So Shawn, all I want to know right now is: Do you think, this – us – has any kind of future?"

Another moment in silence.

"Yes. I do. I do think, that that would be possible."

Relievement waves over me, washing my fears away as a flood in the morning washes over the sand.

"So then I have to tell you right at the beginning something", I say, leaning a bit forward. Shawn leans forward a bit too. The fire's lightening up the caramel of his eyes, leaving sparkles of gold in them. "Huh?"

"Your kitchen's burning."

"What?!" Shawn jumps up, and a second later I can hear him growling and saying some very dirty things – as dirty as they can be – said from a canadian.
When he returns with a kinda guilty face, his curls messy in his face and some roasty smelling clouds and smoke coming out of the kitchen, I can't ignore the bumper my heart makes, the butterflies in my stomach and the grin that is appearing on my face, seeing him like that. Shawn Mendes failuring in the kitchen is something kinda funny. Especially, because he can laugh about himself, too. Still looking at the kitchen, he says: "You like pizza, don't you, eh?"

"Yes, but not with chocolate."

"Perfect."

We both smile at each other, and warm waves are flooting my body.

***

After finished dinner, we're chilling for a while in silence on the couch, staring into the fire, listening to the cracking noise of the chimney's glowing wood. The pizza was great, my back doesn't hurt anymore that much and my headache almost left. I got over the fact that I sit here with Shawn on his couch, it's nearly midnight, and we're both tired as far as I can interpret it from Shawn's little yawn he let out some mins before. We're just relaxing and sitting next to each other and I make the quite remarkable experience, that it's great to keep silent with Shawn. It's a comfy silence.
Then I hem: "Can I ask you a question, too? And please don't pull me of the couch, if it's inappropriate."

"Of course you can. – At least you can try", Shawn smirks.

"I didn't sleep well recently. Would you mind ... If I would take the spare space next to you for tonight? I mean, just as back then after the snowstorm. That would be ..." I hush.

Shawn looks at me for a very long moment. Then he says: "I wouldn't." Short pause. "I wouldn't mind."

[Shawn's songbook]

It's so long ago I felt this way
It's like she woke me up this day
It's like a dream, a dream she's in
It's so crazy, but I like it and I like her
Yeah I like her

All these broken parts
The pieces she left my heart (in)
I know that there's this person
This girl
That could stitch me
That could heal me

There's this aching wish in me
For love
I just want love
And she kinda knows it
But she doesn't know, what she does to me
To me, she's more
She could be the one
That stitches me
Oh what do I feel?
Oh can I heal? (Now)
Oh can I heal? (Finally)
Oh what do I feel?
It's crazy but I like it and I like her