Finding Me

True Love

I refuse to go back, to see the sympathy in Kalani's eyes, the confusion in Kai's. How am I suppose to explain... explain something I don't even fully understand. My fingers begin to shake again at the thought, at the flashes of pity in their eyes, and Deena oh god Deena will have a field day.
"I can't go back" I stammer, my voice barely above a whisper.
"I know, do you want me to get Kai to drive you home?" Dylan asks. I know he deserves better, he deserves for me to explain everything to him, he's more than earned my trust, but my body won't move.
"I can't, I can't face him" I cry, tears brimming my eyes again.
"Okay, I'll go talk to them, and then I can walk you
Home" he says, I shake my head.
"I can't walk home, I'll get my aunt to pick me up," I say, pulling out my phone. My fingers shake as I type out a quick text, she replies immediately.
"She's on her way," I tell him
"Okay, I'll wait till your gone to talk to them" he assures, his hand on my back again, the warmth calming me.
"Thank you, could you tell Kai I'm sorry?" I ask, he nods. We wait in silence for five minutes before my aunt pulls up, her hair in a messy bun.
"Thanks for everything" I whisper hugging him, he squeezes me tighter.
"I'll text you tomorrow," he says as I hop in the car. My aunt doesn't ask any questions for a bit, her eyes just drift to me every so often.
"I had a panic attack" I finally tell her, just as we park.
"Are you Okay?" She asks pulling out the keys.
"I'm better, I just... I just thought I was better" I say, tears streaming down my face. She pulls me into a tight hug, her smell of lavender calming me.
"I'm so sorry" she whispers over and over again, her hand rubbing my head. After I stop crying we head inside, she hugs me tightly again before I head to my
Room, my body exhausted. I fall asleep quickly, I didn't even change out of my bathing suit. I take my time getting out of bed in the morning, just staring at the light on my ceiling. I finally head to the bathroom when my bladder feels like it's going to explode. I head to the kitchen after in need of a huge cup of coffee.
"Morning," My aunt says handing me a cup.
"Morning" I reply, taking a sip.
"You feeling better?" she asks, I nod, memories of last night flood through.
"Any plans?" she changes the subject
"I think I need to talk to Kai," I say, plopping down on the stool.
"You worried?" she asks, I sigh
"Kind of, I just don't know how to explain everything," I tell her, she nods
"Just be honest with him, he'll understand" she assures, kissing my cheek.
"I'm heading out with Sarah, I'll be back later, but text me and tell me how it goes," she says, I nod. I shuffle to my room, my legs feeling weighted. I check my phone, there are five messages from Kalani, two from Dylan, and seven from Kai.
"I'm sorry"
"Where did you go?"
"I'm really sorry please respond"
"Dylan told me you went home, please text me tomorrow"
"Sorry" Kalani texts, I groan.
"Hey I told Kai and Kalani that you went home, everything's good"
"Text me tomorrow if you want," Dylan writes, I smile.
"Hey, where did you go?"
"You okay?"
"Dylan told me you went home are you okay?"
"Please answer me"
"Text me please"
"Okay obviously you're not texting me back please text me tomorrow"
"I'll be over tomorrow at 12" Kai texts. I quickly check my clock it's 11:45, I quickly throw some clothes on and sit down on the couch waiting for the knock at the door. It's 12:15 when I hear the knock, my anxiety at an all-time high. I stand on shaky legs, pushing myself towards the door. I take a deep breath before I open the door.
"Hey," he says right as I open the door. He looks tired like he's been up all night, guilt seeps into my bones.
"Hey" I respond my voice quiet. He stands there awkwardly, his hands in his pockets, his head downcast.
"Want to go to my room?" I ask, immediately annoyed by my voice.
"Yeah, wherever works" he replies quickly. I open the door wider inviting him inside. We walk quietly towards my room, our bodies close together. He sits down as soon as we get into the room, I linger by the door.
"I'm just confused," he says after a long stretch of silence.
"I know" I respond, my mind fogging
"So tell me what happened," he says, his voice hard.
"I had an anxiety attack," I say, moving towards the bed, he nods urging me to continue.
"It was bad, the worst I've had in a while. since I've been here actually" I continue, my voice wavering.
"So why didn't you just tell me?" he asks, his voice worried
"I didn't know how to explain, and I didn't mean to ignore your texts I just haven't been on my phone" I explain
"I thought maybe you were ignoring me, but I'm glad you're okay," he smiles, his fingers moving towards mine, suddenly my heart picks up, as sweat prickles along my skin, I quickly stand now.
"I'm sorry" I blurt, my head groggy.
"It's okay I understand," He says standing now too. Anxiety picks up inside me, tears prickle at the back of my eyes.
"I know you do, I'm sorry I can't be different" I stammer, praying my breathing evens out
"Hey, don't say that. You're amazing" he says taking my face in is his hands.
"I'm not" I whisper, my stomach plummeting. Thoughts of disgust swarm in my head.
"You are, No matter what you think about yourself, Violet. This doesn't make you any less amazing" he states, his eyes blazing into mine. I pull him into my body then, smashing our faces together. He tastes so good, our lips move in sync as he pulls us onto the bed.
"Shit sorry," he says as my body bounces against his, making me laugh.
"it's okay, you know I like it rough" I joke making him laugh before pulling me into another kiss. His hands trace up my back, pulling my shirt up before I pull it off completely. I take his shirt off for him, the shirt gets stuck on his head making us both laugh before he pulls it off roughly, jarring us both slightly. His touch leaves me in goosebumps, he flips us over so that now I'm on my back, his body on top of mine.
"You're gorgeous," He says as he kisses my collarbone, making me dizzy.
"I'm sorry for not talking to you" I blurt, he stills
"You're amazing I should have trusted you" I continue, he looks at me now, his eyes filled with so much emotion it melts my heart. He kisses me then, my mind clears then, no words good enough to describe this moment.