Finding Me

End Of A Chapter

It's been a week since Dylan broke up with me. I should say he took a break from me, but it feels more like he broke up with me. He came by yesterday to get some of his things, we hardly spoke, I had just gotten back from work, and went to go take a shower. Honestly I haven't left the house besides going to work. I also haven't told anyone that we're on a break. No ones asked and I just don't feel like it's the right time with everything Kalani's going through. Jackson and her are working through it right now. He needed some time, and he's been coming around I guess. I personally think he should grow up. Kai and I haven't spoken honestly, I can't look at him, so It's easy to stay away. Now I pretty much just go to work and go home, falling asleep on the couch.
"Earth to Violet" Laney's voice breaks through my trance. I sit up, my heart pounding in my chest.
"Geez" She laughs leaning on my desk. I take a sip of my coffee hoping it wakes me up.
"You okay?" She asks, leaning her head on her palm.
"Fine, just tired" I smile reassuringly
"Ooh I get it, late-night" She winks, I try not to cringe. Her face falls slightly, and she straightens up.
"What's going on?" She asks, I chuckle and shake my head, hoping she buys it.
"Nothing, weirdo," I say
"Violet" She urges her face unblinking. I shift in my chair, grabbing some recruitment information that I have to copy.
"Nothing's wrong" I insist before walking to the copier room. I hear her heels click behind me, she's not going to let this go.
"It's nothing really, I don't know what you want me to say," I tell her clicking the start button.
"I don't believe you, you've been since that house warming party that wasn't really a party" She states. I turn to her, she looks concerned, and has her hand on her hip.
"You can talk to me" She adds softly. I don't want to say it out loud, that's why I haven't told her earlier.
"Dylan and I are on a break, well it feels more like we're broken up" I blurt, her face doesn't change.
"Kai kissed me and He found out" I add, the words floating out of me
"He thinks he's second-best to Kai, and that I still have unresolved feelings for him." I continue everything falling out, and tumbling over each other. The copier beeps informing me, my copies are done.
"Do you have unresolved feelings for Kai?" is all she asks, her face neutral
"No" I respond
"Do you love Dylan?" She asks, my heart beats wildly in my chest.
"He makes me feel safe," I say
"He also makes me feel listened to and normal. I've never felt normal" I add. The words I love him are stuck in my throat.
"Do you want to be with him?" She asks
"More than anything, I've never felt this shitty, not even when Kai cheated on me. I just know that I need him in my life, and now we're avoiding each other and I, don't know what to do" I exclaim, my voice cracking. I turn to grab my copies, hating how hard my heart is pounding and how hot my cheeks feel.
"Then you need to get him back" She states, I huff.
"It's not that easy, I can't beg him to be with me Laney" I utter, turning back.
"You can tell him everything you just told me. You said he feels second best, show him he's not" She explains, stepping closer. She plays with her necklace, twisting it around and around, and then letting it go to spin the opposite way.
"I think he needs space" I say. Mostly I'm just too scared of being rejected. I can't watch him turn me down, it'll be too painful.
"I think you need to get what you want" She responds, her eyebrow raised and a smirk prominent on her face.
"It's not that simple" I walk out of the small room and back to my desk.
"It is, you're complicating it" She follows I shove the copies into the separate folders, shaking my head.
"Please, just leave it alone," I ask, her, she looks like she wants to say something but refrains. I watch as she walks down the hall towards her office. I push away the thought of Dylan, and continue with my very boring day.
...
Kalani is sitting on my porch step when I pull into my driveway. I shut off the engine and step out.
"Hey" I say walking toward her. She looks solemn and to be honest it makes me panic slightly.
"What's wrong?" I ask, stopping right in front of her. She looks like she's been crying. I notice her hands are shaking and her skin looks pale. I kneel down, taking her hands.
"I..." she croaks, then a sob breaks through.
"There's no baby anymore" She says. I stiffen, but try not to act too shocked.
"How, how do you know?" I ask, squeezing her hands. She sniffs, and wipes at her eyes.
"I went to the doctors after I felt some bad cramping and she said, she said that it happens sometimes, and that it was nothing I did, the fertilized egg just wasn't strong enough. I miscarried" She cries, tears streaming down her face.
"I came here right after" She hiccups
"Let's go inside" I instruct helping her stand. She's wobbly on her feet, and her skin is clammy. I walk her to the couch, rushing to grab her a blanket and some water. She's staring off, her eyes bloodshot when I sit next to her.
"I'm so sorry" I say, she nods taking a small sip of her water.
"Are you in any pain?" I ask
"No, I'm crampy but nothing serious" She responds
"Why did no one go with you to the appointment?" I ask
"I was scared and I didn't want to freak anyone else out. Kai was working, and Jackson's been weird about the whole thing" She sniffles.
"What can I do?" I ask feeling completely useless.
"I'm just tired," She says, I nod.
"I'll make some dinner you just rest" I say handing her a pillow, she nods. I head to the kitchen, the news whirling in my head. I hold onto the counter, as the gravity of the situation hits me, making me dizzy. She lost the baby. She must be absolutely destroyed. I try to imagine, and it physically makes my heart-ache. I take a deep breath settling the uncomfortable feeling inside of me. I push away the sadness of the situation, and start working on dinner.
...
Kalani hasn't woken up, I decide to leave her there, keeping the leftovers in the fridge for her later. I turn off all the lights and head to my room. I stop at the door, I haven't slept in here since everything happened. I stare at the unmade bed, and my heart squeezes tightly. I take another step in, Dylan's cologne fills my senses. I haven't cried yet, not fully. I guess I'm waiting for this to be over. For him to come back. I sit on the bed, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it around me. I inhale his familiar sent, smiling. I lay down on his side, his pillow is harder than mine. I'm surprised he didn't take it, he's always saying how hard it was to find the perfect pillow. Tears well up in my eyes, a wave of longing rides over me. I miss him so much. The realization that he's not coming back anytime soon hits me, and I begin to sob quietly into his pillow.
...
I spring up in bed, my heart pounding. My lungs feel like they're on fire. I look around, but it's too dark to see anything. I stand my legs wobbly, and my head swims. My heart pounds loudly in my chest, so loudly it fills my ears. I grab my phone, but the phone slips and falls, making me groan in anger. I rush out, hoping if I drink some water the panic will calm. I'm shaky as I drink, the light from the fridge is the only source of light I have. I feel like it's calmed down so I set the drink down, trying to catch my breath. I stare off the light illuminating the back door. Panic swells again, and this time I fall, feeling my legs give out. My heart burns in my chest, and the heat emanates through me. I vaguely feel some water hit my legs, but the sound of my hammering heart is all-consuming. I feel someone's hands on me, but I keep my head down between my legs, hoping the panic ends soon.
"I'm okay" I whisper over and over, letting the words lull me. I can feel the blood pumping in my body, everything seems magnified. The hands disappear, and I don't feel anything for a while. My heart slows just slightly, but it's enough for me to try and catch my raging breath. I know I'm gasping for air, hoping that the unexplainable panic attack ends, so I can breathe again. I feel hands on me, but this time they're more persistent, and then they're on my face bringing my attention back to reality. I expect to see Kalani, worried. Great I've panicked her now. Instead, I'm met with Dylan's familiar chocolate eyes. There's still a bruise on his jaw, the cut is almost healed, but it's still cracked. I want to reach out, and run my hand across it, but I can't move. I still feel petrified. I feel the tears slide down my cheeks, leaving a hot trail. His thumb brushes my cheek delicately, making me release a breath. I can see his lips moving, but my heart's still pounding too loudly in my ears for me to hear. I shake my head, hoping he understands. Suddenly he's pulling me into a kiss, his lips indescribably soft. I reach out, lacing my fingers through his hair. He deepens the kiss, making me shiver. We break apart both breathing hard. The pounding in my ears is gone, I can feel my heart, but it's slower, more controlled. I take a deep breath, settling my nerves. He leans his head against mine, sighing contently.
"Are you okay?" He asks, his voice hoarse. I now notice the spilled water, there's broken glass too.
"Ya" I croak, tears sliding down my face. He pulls away now, his eyes roaming over me. He's checking to see if I'm okay.
"I'm okay" I reassure, he stops, his eyes on mine. I see how tortured he looks, he looks as scared as I felt. I reach out, he stiffens, but I continue. I run my finger gently across the cut, he hisses lowly. I move across towards his jaw where the bruise has become a deep purple with yellow along the edges. His eyes are blazing, and he looks puzzled by my movements. Like he doesn't know how to react. I guess I feel the same, except I do know that I need him. Not just right now, but forever. I love him, and that thought breaks my heart even more because I don't think he loves me back, not as much as I do anyway.