you come first. (mattia polibio)

worry (part 34)

I turned off the shower and got out. I wrapped myself in a towel. I noticed that my hand was throbbing. I put on my pajamas then went downstairs. I went into the kitchen and got an ice pack. I sat on a stool at the counter and iced my hand.

"Luna?" My mom said walking into the kitchen.

I turned around to look at her.

"What happened?" She asked me walking up to me and examining my hand.
"I punched a wall" I told her, emotionless.
"Oh my lord! Luna, why would you do that?" My mom asked, sounding a  shocked.
"I don't know. It just happened. I was mad" I said.

My mom sat down next to me and said,
"I know you are mad at your father, I honestly didn't know it was affecting you this much and I feel guilty for inviting him over tonight. You won't have to see him anymore if you don't want. I do want you to meet the baby though, I think you should at least know your new sibling" My mom told me.

I sighed.

"Luna what's going on?" My mom said.
"I'm not okay, mom. I am always sad" I told her.
"I'll call the therapist that the hospital recommended you to, you should talk to your guidance counselor" My mom said.
"Thanks..." I said.
"Remember you had to talk to her when Gianna over-" My mom started to say.
"Yeah... I'll go see her at lunch tomorrow" I said.
"Did you break your other hand?" My mom asked.
"No, it's just a little hurt. I'm fine" I told my mom.

My mom got up and turned on the tea kettle.
"I'm sorry for tonight honey. Did you get to eat?" She asked me.
"No" I said.
"Do you want me to make you something?" My mom asked me.

I nodded my head.

I got up and walked to the couch and sat down. I turned on the TV and started watching 'All American'. My mom walked over to me and set down a plate with a quesadilla on it and she also set down a mug with earl grey tea and raspberry syrup. (an: that tea is a drink my best friend's polish mom always makes me just btw)
"Thank you so much" I said.
"You're welcome. I love you so much, okay?" My mom said.
"I love you too" I said.

My mom walked off and I ate my quesadilla. I kept icing my hand and watching Netflix. I sipped my tea and tried to relax. I got up and put my dishes in the skin then went upstairs and fell asleep.

-the next morning-
I got late cause I slept through 2 of my alarms. I didn't even bother changing my clothes so I went to school in my black nike sweatshirt and my red flannel pajama pants. I quickly brushed my teeth and my hair. I grabbed my phone, lanyard and my backpack and ran downstairs. I got in my car and decided to drive to starbucks to at least get something to eat. I drove through the drivethru and ordered an iced carmel macchiato with almond milk and banana nut bread. I ate the banana bread on my way to school. I parked my car in the school parking lot and walked into the building. I walked to my first period class and walked by all the guys on my way there. Mattia saw me and said,
"Luna-"

But I had already walked away. I sat down in the back of my history class. I rested my head on my hand and zoned out for the entirety of the class. The bell rang and I went to my other classes and did the same thing, zone out.

The bell rang and it was lunchtime. I walked to the office and waited to see my guidance counselor. She walked out of her office and gestured for me to come into her office. I walked inside and shut the door behind me. I sat down on her couch and she said,
"Hi Luna. How are you?" She asked.
"Not good" I said quietly.
"What is going on?" My counselor asked me.
"I think I'm depressed" I said and my voice cracked.
"Why do you say that?" She asked.
"I jumped out of a car and punched a wall" I said.
"Luna when did this happen?" She asked.
"The car thing was a few weeks ago and I went to the hospital and they told me I have PTSD. Then I punched a wall last night" I told her.
"What caused you to do both those actions?" She asked.
"My dad" I said.
"How is your relationship with him?" My counselor asked.
"Terrible. He cheated on my mom and left me when I was 10. Now he wants to be back in my life. He's still messing up my life" I said.
"How is he still messing up your life?" She asked.
"He tries to be nice by wanting to see me but then his new girlfriend always slit shames me, he doesn't do anything about it, he yells at me and he just doesn't understand that he hurt me" I said.
"I get why you would be angry and have bad memories. Your feelings are valid, Luna. Why do you feel depressed? Do you ever want to hurt yourself?" She asked me.
"Yeah I do sometimes. Punching the wall felt- it felt- almost satisfying in a way... I always cry and stuff and I just wanna sleep forever. I just feel so alone even when I'm around my mom and sister and my best friends. I feel like I have no one to talk to who will genuinely listen" I said, at this point I was crying, hard.
"Oh Luna... How long have you felt this way?" She asked.
"For awhile honestly... maybe since 9th grade. I just thought it was normal honestly" I said sniffling.
"I'm not saying that it is not okay to feel this way but it is not normal. You should not have to feel this way and I'm going to help you through this and get you help. Do you feel comfortable talking to me?" She asked.