Blue || Bucky Barnes

47. You're Truly Terrible

After their short catch up with Natasha at the compound Leia's perspective changed drastically. She realized how selfish they'd been to stay secluded to themselves all this time and not go help the world. After all they were not the only people that Thanos' snap affected.

For the next year Leia and Loki work in close proximity to Natasha and the other remaining Avengers on duty. Steve and Tony are still off the grid which is of course their choice. But that's not the path Leia wishes to lead anymore. And unfortunately for him Loki seems to have hopped on the bandwagon with her, willingly or not.

The pair remain friends like Leia wishes. As time passes Loki can't help but think she could possibly change her mind. Little things she does give him hope.
Fortunately Leia's panic attacks seem to slowly thin out, not coming on as often. But she's learnt the symptoms of when they're about to. Each time she would go to Loki and find comfort in him. Not exactly the way she would with Bucky but it sufficed. As she would feel herself starting to panic she'd go to Loki and request to braid his hair. The god expressed his hatred for the braids on multiple occasions so Leia started to adapt and only braid small little plaits into his hair. It calmed her which in the end was all that mattered.
Loki always helped her as best he could in those situations. Given that he too suffers from such attacks he's able to offer some form of solidarity. But Leia doesn't know. How could she? She's never witnessed one of his attacks... Until one day during the winter.

"Loki, where'd you go?" She yells out. She stood beside him not moments ago until he disappeared suddenly.
Leia walks around the suite trying to find her mischievous friend. Her brain is a whir when she can't find him anywhere.
She runs through the suite looking through doorways just trying to locate his whereabouts.
Leia runs past the bathroom and her ears catch a small whimper. Her feet practically skid on the tiled floor as she walks back to the closed door.

The handle twists under her fingers and she knocks gently.
"Loki?" She questions, poking her head in. That's when she sees his features. They're broken and pained. His cheeks are tear stained and eyes are bloodshot.

"Oh Loki, what's the matter?" She drops down to him.
"It's nothing, I'm fine." He sniffs sitting up straighter.
"Loki, it's me you're talking to. What's going on?" She looks at him.
Loki brushes the tears from his cheeks and looks up at her with a saddened look. Her heart breaks for her friend. What could possibly have happened to make him feel this way?

"I guess you're not the only one to possess some trauma." Loki's voice is hushed as he comes down from the panic attack.
Leia's heart feels like its been wrenched from her chest.
"Loki why didn't you tell me?" She matches his hushed tone.
"I can deal with it myself." His tough exterior begins to form again.
"But you don't have to..." She says and feels like the biggest jerk around. This whole time she's been blindsided by her own thoughts and feelings that she hasn't opened her eyes to realize that Loki's experiencing the same thing. She's never felt so selfish in her life.

"So now you see me." Loki huffs leaning his head back against the wall.
"Loki I'm sorry." Leia's voice cracks a little. "I've been so selfish. Please tell me how I can help you?"
"There's nothing to do." He mutters.
"How... Who made you like this?" She feels like she might regret the question but she needs to know. Perhaps it will enable her to help him.
"My father..." He says and Leia's heart convulses. He's just like her in many more ways than one. Though she'd never known it. "And Thanos... Mostly him."

"What did he do to you?" Leia's voice breaks.
"Everything." Loki says lowly not meeting her eyes.
"I'm sorry." She mumbles wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He holds her waist tight, thankful to be in her embrace.

"I want you to come to me if this happens again. I can help you like you help me. Promise me Loki." Leia whispers still holding him close.
"I promise." He whispers.
And that's exactly what he does. Loki had mastered the art of concealing his trauma and attacks until they could no longer be hidden. So he didn't have them very frequently but from then on Leia was there for every single one of them. She hated seeing him so distraught and afraid but she imagined she looked the exact same when she suffered.