SSA Scottley - A collection - S.R.

To a better place

Episode: 13x02

When Lily heard a knock on her door, she lifted her eyes from the book in her hands and looked toward the door. She placed it down on the center table of her living room and walked over to the door. Fred followed her close and when she opened her apartment, she frowned when she saw Spencer standing there.

"Spence..." She said. "You don't have to knock. You have the key."

"I do." He nodded. "It's just... It's your house."

"I see..." She nodded, before stepping aside to allow him inside.

She watched as he entered her apartment and smiled gently at Fred, who kept running around his feet to grab his attention. Lily turned around toward the door. As she turned the key, she bit her lip. Spencer was not comfortable around her anymore. He never slept over anymore, he never laughed at her awful jokes like he used to, he never started the intellectual conversations he loved to have with her, he never said he loved her anymore. Spinning back around, she smiled despite herself as she saw Spencer rocking Alec gently in his arms.

"How was he?" Spencer asked, smiling down at the baby in his arms.

"Good." Lily responded, walking over to them both. "He's an angel. He practically sleeps the whole night."

Spencer smiled. He sat down on her couch and placed Alec over his leg, just like his mom used to do. The baby had his eyes open and kept them rolling around, curious about everything that was going on around him. So, as soon as Spencer put his finger in front of him, he grabbed it and Lily could almost see the pride filling his chest.

"I heard you were fully reinstated." Lily said, as she sat beside them. Spencer only nodded, his eyes never leaving his son. "That's great."

"Are you coming back to work?" He asked, as she nodded.

"I have a few more weeks to go, though." She said, as she glanced at the baby in Spencer's lap.

"That's good too." He said, as Lily frowned.

"Yeah..." She trailed off. "Hey... So... How was the case? I mean... The first one after so long..."

"It was nothing special." Spencer shrugged, still refusing to meet her eyes.

"Don't lie to me." She said, quite forcefully, causing him to look at her. "Something happened. Tell me what."

"The unsub was killing women because he thought his mother left him." He said.

"Thought?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, she didn't actually leave him. His grandmother killed her in front of him, but that's... That's not the point."

"Then what's the point?"

Lily watched as Spencer got up to place a sleeping Alec back on his bassinet. Spencer's gaze lingered on his son, before he sighed and went back to sit beside the woman on the couch.

"I'm always away, Lily." He said. "I've never spent a whole night with him, I wasn't even here when he was born... Hell, Lily, Alec has all the reasons in the world to hate me."

"But he doesn't." Lily said, without missing a beat. "Spence... Yesterday, we were sitting right here. Alec and I. I was going through some old pictures and I found... I found one of you. I showed it to Alec as a joke, but as soon as I did, he started babbling and kicking his little feet, reaching up as if to hold you. He loves you, Spencer. And I..." She bit her lip and looked away, glancing at bassinet beside them. "Plus... I'll go back to work eventually, you know? And he'll be what? Six months? George will be the one to take care of him, and we'll see him only at night, and sometimes, we'll be away for days at a time. But he'll love us, Spence, because we love him, okay?"

She reached out to grab his hand, but pulled back. Noticing her urges, he took the initiative and pulled her hands in his, intertwining their fingers together.

"I know I'm pulling away." He said. "I know this is not how you expected it to be. I mean... I didn't want it to be like this either, but I just... I can't take those big steps with you, Lily, I just... I can't."

"I understand." She assured. "When I needed you, you stayed by me and took it all in my pace. I'm willing to do the same with you, Spence, I really am, but there is one thing I need to know."

"What is it?"

"Do you see us taking the next step?" She asked. She could feel Spencer's hold in her hand tightening, but she held onto him. "I don't want to pressure you into anything, I swear. It's just... You are my best friend, Spence. Before anything else... You are my best friend, and if you want to call this whole thing off and just stay friends, I... I understand."

"Will we manage it? Being just friends, I mean." He asked, as she took a deep breathe to stop herself from crying.

"We can try." She said. "If that's what you want."

Unsure if he could say anything else, he just nodded and so did she. Pulling her hands away from his, she sniffled, getting up from her couch.

"Would you like to spend the night?" She asked. "I still have a few of your clothes here and the couch is not that uncomfortable. Alec can stay down here in the bassinet with you, so you can spend your first night with him. What do you say?"

"It'd be great, Lily." He smiled gently with a nod.

"Okay, let me grab you a few things. You can go take a shower if you want."

Spencer nodded and got up, watching as Lily grabbed the big book she was reading and going upstairs. He glanced at the title of it and chuckled, unsurprised.

"What?" Lily asked, with an amused smile at him.

"It's just... You're using your maternity leave to study?" He responded as she shrugged, glancing down at the book in her hands.

"What else would I be doing?" She asked. "Besides... Psychology is a broad field. You can never learn enough, don't you think?"

He chuckled.

"I suppose."

Lily smiled and walked upstairs, supposedly to grab him a few sheets and covers. Glancing down at Alec, Spencer sighed. Once again, he had blown up his chance with Lily. Once again, he broke his promise to her and, once again, she stayed beside him. Comprehensive, caring, loving, loyal... Just like she had thought about him not five years prior after her capture by Howland, it was Spencer's turn to self-depreciate himself.

"I don't deserve her..." He whispered to himself. "I don't deserve her."