Change (evansson story)

Chapter seventeen

Scarlett's POV

I had a lot to do on the farm not like loads but enough that I had Lizzie and Chris doing stuff while me and nova looked after the animals. Well we were grooming all of them I had her help me with making sure they all looked healthy I had them regularly checked but when I was here I liked to see for myself. Nova was practically in heaven with all of this. She had me lift her so she can kiss the animals heads when I was done checking them. She even wanted to brush thier hair if they had any. Now she's 9 but she's small for her age which she definitely for form me. I've had some concerns about it that I've had Chris take her to a doctor but they say it's normal Especially since her genes from me mean she'd be small. She also had trouble with seeing words I noticed but what I learned was she had glasses that she never wore. Chris didn't know about them until we asked her if she'd been to an eye doctor and she said yes and pulled out her glasses. They were so small and adorable but she refused to wear them. But now we enforce her and I try to wear mine more around her like now so she can see it's normal to wear glasses. Although she didn't need to always wear them she just did when reading. It's just to get her in the habit so she can actually see when she needs them.

Now I got out of my thoughts and moved to get ready for the night. I had someone with rose already and she's enjoying her stay at her dads. I will be honest it was hard at first when me and her dad separated just because I felt more lonely. Our little family wasn't enough no matter how hard I tried to fill that whole in my heart. And Ramon was understanding but it wasn't fair on him to carry on with something I didn't have my heart in. I knew who I had feelings for but was I go to tell them no I wasn't. I've gone this long and had this many relationships for a damn reason. And we'll not to mention how I'm a terrible mother and I've ruined any chance at being my eldests mother. Gosh if you told me I'd be here today when I found out I was pregnant I'd have thought I'd gone bat shit crazy a lot earlier.

I walked into novas room Lizzie was getting ready for bed still so I had. A few moments alone with my girl. " hey sweet girl" and she smiled up at me she looked tired I could see it but she still stayed awake because it's nova. She'd never sleep early although over sleeping she had no issues there. It's take a bomb to wake her actually she could sleep though a tornado if we let her. " aunt scar" she said and on the outside im smiling but on the inside my heart constricts with pain. It's a pain I'm now used too but it'll never get any easier. It's moments like these where I think I'll never get to be her mother in anything. I won't get to be the mother of the bride at her wedding. I won't get to be the cool mum when I pick her up not that I think I'd be cool. I don't get to be the mum who gets to be called. A grandmother when her baby gives birth to her own baby. I won't get to be those and it's killing me. Not being her mum is hard but knowing it's only gonna get worse is painful.

It's not just hard on me it's hard on my family too. They just wanna be her family but they can't because I took that away from them. Especially for my mother it pins her and I know it does but at the end of the day they all at least go by what I said. I'm looking at my child and she doesn't know I'm her mama. " aunt scar you good?" And I nodded what else was I going to say ' oh no nova actually I'm you're momma and I'm so sorry for lieing to you for the whole of you're life but let's cuddle' yeh because that makes it all better. God she'd kill me. And then she'd kill everyone else. I can't do too many feelings it's hard for me maybe that's why I run so much from
The truth. But yet again I won't think of this again because I can't confront myself on the fact what I'm doing is far more worse then what I'm not.

I laid down next to her and I just pulled her into me. " aunt scar" she said and innodded I was half listening half out of it " I'm sleepy" she mumbled she was on the vegged of sleeping and she's only trying to stay awake so she can say good night to liz too. And as if on cue Lizzie walks in and shuffled into bed beside nova. " go to sleep my darling" Lizzie said an snova shut her eyes. Her breathing evened out very fast and well Lizzie was still awake so I decided I'd just have. Achar with Lizzie while my baby slept in my arm. " I'm doubting myself Lizzie" ans she looked at me for a second she was confused but she realised what I was saying and spoke fast " scar it's never ever gonna be too late" and I sighed I just looked down at the peaceful little monkey I had in my arms. " I love my kid Lizzie but I don't wanna be the cause of her pain" and Lizzie sighed " you already are" ans I knew she was right. Nova was gonna be affected by this lie both ways she hates me let her way it's just if I tell her she's gonna know it's me she hates. If we kept things the same she's just going to hate her mum and we'll she doesn't know yet that's me. " I'll tell her some day" and I know that sounds like a excuse but it's progress for me. I've never even entertained the idea of me telling her but now I am because the guilt is out eating anything else. I needed up falling asleep stroking her hairs and trying to figure out how to look after my baby without being her mama.

___________________________

Remember to drink water
Eat a full meal
Get a good rest

My messages are always open

Till the next chapter my loves❣️