Remus isn't in a good mind.
This one is heavy.
Tw- Implied Self harm/Self harm- cutting,burns, hitting, thoughts of suicide and an almost attempt (its stopped), and mentions of blood
Only read if you can handle it.
Word Count: 843
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Remus wasn't doing good; he knew that, but he ignored it. All the thoughts in the back of his mind, do it do it do it. He ignored them..or tried to. He wanted to do a lot, just anything to keep them away for a bit.
So here he was hitting himself in the head with his hands, then his arms, then his thighs. He did it often when it got to be too much, it hurt, it left bruises, he could feel them at least, but it was the least suspicious way for him to do it.
Occasionally he burned himself, when he went to smoke, putting the lighter up to his finger or hand, or putting the cigarette out on his leg.
Sometimes he did cut, only on his thighs, it wouldn't be noticed there.
Remus knew if anything Sirius couldn't know, he knew it would fuck up their relationship, he couldn't take that risk. So he pretended he was fine, acting like his normal self around his friends and boyfriend.
Today something was off, the other's could tell.
Remus hadn't come down yet, it was almost time for class, where was he? He had locked himself away in the bathroom, giving into his thoughts again. Maybe he had gone too far, he figured that when there was blood trickling down his thigh. He panicked and grabbed something, a towel, to clean it up. At least he knew how to patch himself up, he did it after the moons anyways.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door, he froze.
"Hey are you okay?" It was Sirius
Remus felt some sort of drop, anxious, Sirius couldn't know, he didn't want him to know. He took a deep breath "I'm fine, I'll be out in a moment" then he was quickly trying to patch his thigh, it was somewhat lazy, his hands wouldn't stop shaking.
"Remus" Sirius had a stern tone "I'm worried about you"
"I said I'll be out in a moment" Remus repeated. Sirius couldn't know. He did get himself patched up, made sure he didn't look like had been crying. Then he took a deep breath and walked out. "Alright let's go"
Sirius had just followed behind, as Remus wasn't exactly acting out of the usual, but there was something off, he could tell.
Remus thought he had gotten away with it, that no one would notice, he'd be fine. That was until later.
James had went into the bathroom to shower later, there was some shuffling, and then a concerned voice. "Guys there's um, blood in here"
Then the anxiety was back, Sirius couldn't know.
"It's like a stain of some sort, does anyone know where it came from?" James popped himself out of the bathroom.
Everyone shook their heads, even Remus.
Remus by then was debating on sprinting out of there, he was making moves towards the door. He could hide he knew it, so while the other's were occupied he had left. He ran, he went up to the astronomy tower, looking out, down. He could jump, he knew it, he thought about it. That little voice popped up again, do it do it do it. Apparently his sudden absence was noticed, he had gotten himself up on the railing, balancing there when he heard footsteps.
It was Sirius.
Remus felt tears flowing, he fisted his hair in his hands, and shouted. "Go away, I'm fine!"
"Remus.." Sirius's face was pure worry. "Honey, why are you on the railing?"
"I'm gonna fucking do it" Remus was looking off the edge now, the voice in his mind louder. Do it do it do it.
"Remus get down from there" Sirius had ran over now, grabbing him and pulling him down.
"What the fuck- why won't you let me do it?" The voice in his mind went on. Sirius can't know. He knows.
"Why would you do that, why do you think I wouldn't let you?" Sirius held him, brought him into a tight hug "I can't fucking lose you, I love you" he was sobbing.
Remus was still, should he come clean? He knows.
"You've been so off, I should've done something, I knew you weren't being yourself" Sirius said through sobs.
Remus spoke after a bit "There's more" He knows.
Sirius stepped back for a moment "What is it?"
Remus rolled his sleeves up, showing it around, a few burn marks and bruises. "There's more on my thighs..it's where it all is" he murmured.
"Honey, is the blood in the bathroom?.." Sirius didn't finish it, he just watched as Remus nodded. "Fuck I should've watched I should've done something"
"I should've told you instead of doing it…" Remus said.
"I'll help you get better, I swear," Sirius said.
Remus just brought him in close.
Later in Remus's bed he showed Sirius his scars, everything caused by him, he cried and cried and got it all out.
Sirius held him and comforted him while he did, reassuring him over it.
He knows and it's okay.
