Stardust (Complete)

Wishing

Xavier Rudd
Sometimes we will go again, seeking reasons why,
Sometimes we stray far from ourselves before we realise.

Going into work had been a sort of reprieve, something familiar that didn't remind me of her.

I fell into my routine, again, today, doing dread maintenance on this girl, Chelsea, who came in every eight weeks, or so. I could block it out, focus on something different besides feeling sorry for myself, which, if I was being honest, was all I was really doing.

Four days had been and gone, and I knew she'd be home, by now. Had she forgotten about me already?

Once the initial shock was over, I'd been angry, like I hadn't been in the longest time, and no amount of marijuana had helped. All I'd managed to do was to burn through my stash and green out, dream some trippy shit and wake up feeling rested, but crappy at the same time.

The girls tried to talk to me, but I didn't want to hear it. I knew I was acting like a brat, but I couldn't help myself. Edgy had suggested we hit the surf. There was supposed to be a mad swell heading our way, and twenty- six foot waves offshore, but I couldn't be fucked. What was the point?

Yesterday, my head was hurting, so I followed the vague animal track through the forest to the waterfall, trying to clear my mind. I found her amethyst there, where we'd forgotten it. I held it in my fist, hoping it might shatter. It didn't, and I almost threw it into the trees in anger.

Instead, I took it home with me, weighing down her postcard with it on my windowsill, all I had left of her, besides the shit going on up in my head.

It was dumb, getting as close as I had, feeling like I might matter to her the way she had to me. She'd given herself to me, mind and body, or, so I thought. Then, maybe even the sex hadn't mattered to her, either.

I wanted to hate her, so badly. I tried to forget her, but I just couldn't. She'd left an impression on me, whether I liked it or not.

Deep down, I knew it wasn't her fault. I knew she had to go home eventually, I just chose to forget that part. Like she'd said, it was never supposed to be forever, I just wished it was. It wasn't her fault that I was so naive to let myself believe that she would just leave her life behind and stay there just because I wanted her to. It wasn't fair of me to hope that she might have.

So, I stopped being angry, I stopped trying to hate her. I stopped trying to forget her. I tried to stop wishing that she might come back, but I didn't. Because, if she did, I wouldn't hesitate in having her again.