Emo Trinity x Reader

Ryan Ross x Reader - A Letter Part One

Requested on Wattpad
Warnings: heartbreak
Word count: 1 735

It was dark when you got home. The house was dark and your boyfriend's car was not in the drive way. This was unusual. Most of the days he was home before you. Maybe he was working late in the studio, or one of his friends called him up for a drink. You unlocked the front door and let yourself in. Glad, that the day was over, you kicked your shoes into a corner of the room and threw your jacket over the coat hanger. You switched on the light in the kitchen and poured yourself a glass of cold orange juice before you started cooking. It was simple, fried rice with vegetables. You added a bit of coconut milk to finish it, and started setting up the table for you and Ryan, your boyfriend. You were hungry and tired, and because Ryan still was not home, you decided to have dinner without him.

When you were finished there was still enough of the dish left for Ryan. You left the pan standing on the switched off stove top so he could reheat the food when he came home. Exhausted from the day, you walked upstairs to take a shower. When you were dressed in your pajama, you took a look outside the window. Ryan's car was still not in the drive way. You walked over to your bed. If he was not home by now, he had to live with you going to bed without him. You needed your sleep and he knew that. He surely would not mind that you were sleeping when he got home. A little sad, that you would not be able to kiss him good night, you strode over to your bed. That was when you discovered a white, folded piece of paper. With black pen it had your name written on it. You picked it up and started to read.

I really don't know why I'm writing this letter

It was Ryan's handwriting, neat and small with the same black pen he had used to write your name.

I just think it must be easier than talking about it

Typically Ryan. He always had trouble to phrase himself while talking. Smiling you remembered the first time he had told you he loved you. For almost five minutes he had stammered telling you what he liked about you before he had gotten out the three words that you had repeated immediately. You had been sitting in his car in front of your house. That had been almost two years ago.

You know, whenever I say to myself, 'What if this doesn't work out?'
The first person I think of is you

You remembered him saying this sometimes. He always worried about the day the two of you would break up. And to be honest, you also worried about that day. You loved Ryan. He was your world, your reason to get up in the morning. You did not know what you would do without him. Even the thought of him leaving hurt so much already, you preferred not to think about it any further.

I just hope you never think I only had you around just to pass the time
Please don't think that.

Of course you did not think that. Even when it seemed impossible, that a perfect person like Ryan was in love with, no, loved, you, you just had to look at him and you knew it was true. He always was as close to you as possible, he held hands with you when you were outside, or wrapped his arm around your shoulders. He pulled you in for short hugs and gave you kisses on the forehead. No chance he had only done that to pass the time. Stop. You reread the last sentence. I only had. Had. Past tense. Suddenly you felt alarmed. Was this more than a cute, random note?

It's, it's hard to stay focused when I'm with you all the time

Oh yeah, how true. It had been the worst during your first weeks of dating. He had constantly lost track of what he was doing, just to look at you. It had made both of you blush, when you realized what he was doing, but you felt good, because he was the first person to ever pay attention to you like that. With more passing time, he had gotten more used to your presence, yet there were still incidents where he stopped what he was doing to watch you. The other week in fact, he had been writing a letter to a friend while you were cooking and you had caught him staring at you after a while. When you spied on the paper in front of him, it was empty. He had blushed and smiled and told you, that he found something way more interesting to do, than to write a letter.

You often felt the same way about him, but you did not show it as much. You did tell him though. Sometimes you would lie in bed next to him and confess the many little stares during the day. It made him chuckle and he hugged you and kissed you so sweetly. Reading his words and remembering all the moments with him, made you wish he was here with you, so you could tell him, how much you loved him.

And when I'm not, I'm thinking about you

Aw, that was cute. You sometimes wondered if he did that. You often thought about him. When you passed his favorite clothes shop, you remembered him, and when you passed the aisle with his favorite cereal in the supermarket, you always got him a box. At work you had a picture of the two of you from your first holiday together. When you were bored or in a bad mood or happy or did not want to work, you always looked at it. You wondered where you could go to for a holiday the next time. Somewhere warm, cold, the sea, the mountains, close to home or to another country? Where would Ryan like to go, maybe without even knowing? Could you surprise him with a spontaneous holiday? You always had lots of reasons to think about him, and it seemed, he felt the same way about you.

I can't get close to people very easily, unless I know it's worth it

You chuckled at how true this was. He was shy and quiet and barely talked at social gatherings. The first time you met him was at a college party. He was the friend of one of your friends. You remembered seeing him for the first time. Wild brown hair, flower shirt, brown vest, and big, beautiful eyes. He had been standing next to his friend and barely spoke a word. And that drew your attention to him. While everyone was talking, he was the hole, the quiet, the silence. You probably only noticed, because you were not talking either. You preferred to listen. So when you had finally gathered the courage to talk to the handsome boy, you walked over and stood next to him in silence until he asked for your name.

I felt close to you instantly

You remembered how he had started talking after you had introduced yourselves. He had told you about his music and his poems and his pets and you told him about your college subjects, your photography and your secret hiding place in your parents' house. By the end of the night, you had been in love with him and when he hugged you good bye, he asked you out. The friend, who had brought Ryan to the party, later told you, that he never had heard Ryan talk so much. And that you were the first one he had ever asked out. That made you feel special.

I've only done that with one other person

You wondered who that person was. Was it someone you knew?

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

That was it. That was the letter. Confused you put it down for a second before raising it to your face again. Your eyes flew over the lines, again and again. Reading it for the first time had made it feel like a weird love letter, and it was. But it was also a good bye letter.

Your hands got cold as the shock started to kick in. You shivered, even though the room was warm. You read the letter over and over again, feeling how your heart broke. It was a slow crack, right through the middle of your heart. It started at the top and slowly, slowly cracked further open as the realization started to settle in. When the crack had reached the tip of your heart, it was broken in two and you were curled up in a shaking and crying ball on the floor. You had never felt as much pain in your life before as you felt now. Your world was ending, your chest felt like it had been ripped open and acid poured into it. You screamed and shouted and hit the bed and floor, all while tears streamed down your face.

Suddenly you remembered Ryan had a phone. You calmed down immediately. It probably was a misunderstanding. Surely it was just a wrongly phrased love note. With shaking hands you called him. But he did not pick up. You waited until the phone went to voice mail. You told him you had found his letter and asked him to call you back. An hour later you left a voice mail, telling him you thought he was breaking up with you and he should call you because you were really worrying and just needed him to tell you it was a misunderstanding. Half an hour later you called him again, leaving another voice mail, asking him, while crying, to come home because you missed him. A few more voice mails followed. You told him you loved him, you were missing him, you thought of him all the time too. You confessed how scared you were of losing him and that without him you were falling into a black abyss. You cried and begged him to come home, to explain this to you, not to leave you.

He never came home that night and you never got an answer.