Living as a UnHealthy teen

Physical Abuse...

3/18/18
I'm also going to talk about this.

I've never personally been physically abused but most of my friends have my mom has been several times by the same fucking man for years.

  We are still living with this man and we are hoping to leave soon. You have no idea how hard it is for me not to kill him when he's sleeping. My mom may be emotionally abusing me but I fucking care about her no matter what she says about me I still fucking care the mother fucker has slammed her head to the floor.

      The only reason we haven't left is yet is because of visitations with my brother he can't be trusted enough to be left alone with him. He's fucking yelled at the kid to shut up because he was crying while mom was makeing food

   I'm so fucking sick of it I'm sick of having to have knives by my side while I sleep in case I hear her scream if it happens one more fucking time before we're gone I don't want to be a murder but I'm going to kill him I can't fucking do it anymore

  I have this thing we're I am extremely afraid of hurting people but with him I don't give a shit. I'm so fucking afraid that I'm going to hurt someone that I won't fucking touch anyone I won't let anyone touch me anymore. The last time I got pissed off I could have killed the person she couldn't fucking breath I was fucking choking her and it wasn't the first time I did it ether.

   There was a time after that but I just defended myself because I was so scared of hurting her (just to clarify not talking about my mom) I ended up crying because I couldn't stop thinking I'm going to hurt her I'm going to hurt her. Sometimes I black out when it comes to me being protective over a friend like if someone's upsetting them. And when that happens I don't know my own strength.

It's been 4 years since I have physically hurt someone and I want it to stay that way I'm not a abuser I hurt people for the sake of helping my friends every time I hurt someone i felt like I was protecting my friends from that person and it was the same person every time I have hit more than one person but the one person I'm talking about is the one I went the farthest on harming and I've apologized so many times. But she apparently didn't learn anything by it because she stills dose it but I'm just glad I've stopped.

  I hated hurting people then to I just couldn't stop I kept blacking out and when I came to realization of what I was doing I immediately stopped. I really hope this doesn't make you think any different of me. I was 12 when I last did that I'm 15 that's a very important accomplishment to me.

   And I was protecting my friends when I did it I had a valid reason every time I harmed someone. I'm terrified that I might hurt someone again that's why I won't let anyone touch me and I won't touch anyone. I think what woke me up the most is the fact that the girl I choked had a mark on her neck for a month or two and the fact that she couldn't breath. I regret every single fucking day what I did to her even though she was upsetting my friends I still felt bad I still do.

    The last time I choked her was in public...She was making fun of my friend and my protective mode went off and I went after her. My cousin seen it happen and rushed to get help. My cousin before he rushed off and got help he kept asking me to stop to let go but I didn't.

I really hope you guys don't think any different of me it's been a long time since I've harmed anyone. And I really want it to stay that way. But if he touches her I might loose it.

Please comment down below and say your oppion about all of this I won't get mad about anything I want you guys to be honest.I was a very protective person and didn't know how to handle it now I do. Back then a lot of people were afraid of me and I didn't want them to be but then again I didn't give them much of a reason not to be. But yeah that's it...

Anyway that's all for today guys stay strong love you guys Bye 👋

Random thing that happend today?
I was in religion class and a kid dropped his vape and broke it .... you fucking idiot😂