More Than Business

Chapter 112

NICKI POV

"Well, Ms Maraj.. I can say I was not expecting your call." The psychologist welcomed me into a room.

"Aren't these things supposed to be no judgement or something?" I rolled my eyes.

"You were just so sure of yourself-"

"The circumstances have changed." I cut her off.

"Care to elaborate?"

I sat on the couch across from her, "How does this work?"

"How does what work?" she asked.

"I have to get better.. and I just, I want to know the process of doing so. Like what to expect." I reiterated.

"Well, every case is different. And you can't rush things." she crossed her legs.

"I don't want a timeline.. just, an itinerary.. I dont care if each step takes 10 years. I just- I just want to know what steps there are."

"Like I said, every case is different." she exhaled.

"You're making me want to leave." I threatened.

"Why don't we start by talking? It'll give me a feel for where you're at and where you're headed. Then I'll be able to give you more information." she offered.

"Okay." I nodded, "Talk about what?"

"You said the circumstances are different.. what changed?" she took the cap off her pen.

"A mixture of things. A lot- a lot of stuff happened" I took my hair out of the ponytail.

"Anything specific?"

"I-I.. I had one of my bad episodes.. and that sucked in itself, and after I was feeling better I slipped up and said something really shitty and insensitive to my fiancé. And I just-" I paused and stared at the ground.

"What makes this episode worse than others?"

"I-I usually have like panic attacks or you know unprecedented anxiety. Or I just have an emotional breakdown. And thats all fine, its manageable." I explained, "But, this.. the bad kind... is a dark and terrifying place to be and I just get lost in the darkness and I can feel the switch between all the dark things that I usually suppress with my consciousness and sanity... it just flips and- and it takes over and all I see is darkness."

She was scribbling away.

"But while I'm in the darkness, I know that the other part of me.. the part I usually suppressed is now whats controlling the things that I say. And its always bad and I can't stop it because I can't even tell whats happening in the real world because I'm just trapped and stuck and lost in darkness in nothingness its-its insane." I realized I was now sitting on the floor in front of the couch.

"What kind of things do you say?" she interrogated.

"I tell everyone to leave. I tell them to get the fuck away from me, to stay away and leave me."

"Why?"

"Its safer for them. For everyone."

"Why is that?"

"Thats how it has always been. Growing up, everyone who was close to me or tried to take care of me died. I lost my entire family. So yes, I'm scared that eventually time will run out for my kids, my fiancé, my- Lydia.. , all of them. I'm scared that the clock will stop ticking again like it did when I was younger, and I'll be forced to watch them all die one-by-one. But the only difference is, back then it pained me because I was too little to handle it on my own. But now, this family I have now means more to me than anything else ever will." I wiped tears from my eyes.