Male/Ftm Reader x random

Freddie x male!reader

A/n: In this story, the reader is suicidal/depressed and if that is triggering for you. Please, don't read. And please get help if you are having suicidal/depressed thoughts. Anyway, If you do want to read, I hope you enjoy :).

~Your POV~

I was sitting cross-legged on my side of the bed. Freddie was asleep on the other side of the bed and I was careful not to wake him. It was 1:47 in the morning and I couldn't sleep, so basically it was like every other night. I got up out of bed quietly and carefully as to not wake  Freddie and I made my way to the living room downstairs. I walked up to my desk and sat down, I pulled the drawer next to me out to reveal two notebooks, one of which was yellow, another which was blue. I pulled them both out and sat them next to each other on the desk in front of me. These two notebooks were very important and had, what would be to other people, a quite trivial purpose. People might think it is crazy but these two notebooks keep me alive; most people, when I tell them about these notebooks laugh or say its stupid and suggest other tactics. The purpose of the yellow notebook was to write down what I'm feeling in it, such as if I am feeling sad, I write down that I am and why I am; it helps me sort out my feelings so they don't get overwhelming. It doesn't always work though, that is why I have the blue notebook. This one has a much more sinister purpose but it somewhat therapeutic in a twisted way, I write suicide notes in this notebook. It is weird but it works because it helps me remember all the friends I have, all the things I have and all the people who would care if I died.

I opened the yellow notebook and started to write about how I was feeling stressed out by work and Freddie and I's relationship. What I mean about our relationship is not that I want to break up with him it's just that sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating because of the constant attention or the myriad of parties and meeting people. I am not a very extroverted person and many parties tend to give me so much anxiety to the point where I have to go upstairs and cry because of it. I know it sounds stupid but what usually happens is I lose Freddie in the crowd and there are just so many people around me that I don't know I get really stressed out having no one to kind of talk with or to help ground me. I haven't told Freddie because he's THE Freddie Mercury of the most popular and well-known band of the time, I can't just tell him that I don't like the parties, it would ruin his social life, at least that's what I think.

I sigh and stop writing, I put my head in my hands and yawn. I look around the room and Miko is asleep on the couch, Romeo is watching me curiously, finally, Oscar had woken up and is currently making his way to me, his mind set on sitting in my lap. I pushed out my chair a little and without even missing a beat he jumped up into my lap and made himself at home. 

I petted him for about fifteen minutes my mind started to drift, this was always a dangerous game because the thoughts usually started happily then drifted to how, although I have many friends and a loving life partner, I would never be good enough for any of them and that I am just a failure in their eyes. I closed the yellow notebook and put it aside, I then opened the blue one and started writing out my apology. I started with Freddie then moved onto the band who I am good friends with, then I went onto the last of my family, and ended with my other good friends. I finished and was still crying periodically wiping my face with my sleeve. I closed the notebook and put my pencil away, then I pushed them to the side and put my head down onto the desk and kept petting Oscar.

~Freddie's POV~

I woke up and it was the middle of the night, I rolled onto my other side and reached out my arm to try and grab (Y/n) but he wasn't there. I sat up and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and went downstairs. I found him asleep at his desk with his hand on osar who was also asleep in his lap. There were two notebooks next to him, and normally I wouldn't read (Y/n)'s things but I hadn't seen either of these notebooks the entire time we had been together, so in ten years I hadn't seen either of them so I guess curiosity got the best of me.

  A half hour later I closed the blue notebook and put it back onto the desk on top of the yellow notebook I had already read. I sat there for quite a while then I was pulled out of my thoughts when (Y/n) stirred and lifted his head, he didn't notice until he went to put the notebooks away, he reached over and happened to look down and he screamed. He dropped the notebooks and took a deep breath then he chuckled a little and reached down and put his hand on my cheek.

"You scared the shit out of me love." he said smiling at me.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly then looked down a little. I picked up the notebooks and went to hand them back to him and as I did I looked up at him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" he said as he took the notebooks and put them in the drawer on the opposite side of the desk.

"Why didn't you tell me you didn't like the parties? Why didn't you tell me that you wrote your own suicide notes?" I started to cry and he froze in fear.

"You read the notebooks, why did you read them, Freddie?"

"They were there and I had never seen them before so I decided to take a look, then I couldn't stop. I'm sorry, but again, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell you because," he paused and put his head in his hands. I stood up and put my hand on his back and grabbed one of the hands he had his face in. "because I didn't want you to know that I was broken, I didn't want you to laugh at the stupid ways I cope like other people do. I didn't want you to think I was broken and then not want to be with me anymore."

I was a little shocked that people had belittled how he took care of himself, of how he coped. I hugged him, by doing this I knocked Oscar out of his lap but I didn't care. I picked him and carried him over to the couch.

"I am so sorry, so, so, so, sorry." I said after I placed him onto the couch.

  I held him for what seemed like hours and kissed him and comforted him as much as I could.

"Baby, please, from now on, tell me when something overwhelms you, please tell me when I hurt you. I love you so much and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you."

"It's okay, I will, and I love you too Fred," he said quietly. We sat there for a little while longer then I had to get up to make him something to eat and drink, but when I came back to ask what he wanted he was asleep so I kissed his head, sat down next to him and fell asleep too.

~end~

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A/n: #24. I just wanted to write a story that was a little more personal, idk why that's just what I decided to do.... soooo I hope it wasn't too bad and that you enjoy :).