The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 17, Contradictions

/ First Person Protagonist POV /

I didn't answer to Kylo's request. I didn't understand what was happening. Why had he been so... vicious only a couple hours earlier, back in D'Qar, and now, he looked vulnerable. I was still in shock as Kylo hugged me for a second time. He seemed relieved to see me, as if he had missed me, but I knew it was imposible for Kylo Ren to feel anything of that sort, I convinced myself of it. My mind was buzzing in all different directions, it was overloaded with questions and feelings I had no name to, but I decided to clear it and close my eyes. My body slightly moved with the deep breaths of Kylo, with my ear leaned on his chest, I could hear how his heartbeat slowed down while I remained in his arms, feeling safe. Kylo burrowed his face in between my neck and shoulder, breathing silently onto my upper back.

" Y/n..." He whispered, which sent shivers down my spine. " I'm sorry."

I pushed Kylo away, and he stared at me in the eyes with such sweetness, which I thought would have been impossible to witness coming from him. He was sorry? Did he even know what for? I wanted to be mad at him, but seeing him like this, I just couldn't. I had shown up to the private quarters to show him how much I hated him. To make Kylo Ren realize I would not comply to his orders, that he had no power over me, but that was not the case. Kylo had me, trapped in his web -like a spider trapped insignificant insects- , and I wasn't sure I wanted to try and free myself from it.

I remained silent. There was too much silence, but I didn't know what else to say. The shimmer in Kylo's eyes was starting to fade, noticing I would not forgive him. He cleared his throat and took a couple steps back. That is when my fear started to rise, very fast.

" You- you're scared of me. Aren't you, y/n?" Kylo questioned, but it seemed as if he was confirming that observation to himself out loud. He took deep breaths, as if he was trying to calm his anger, and this time, I was the one to back away. I was too weak to even try to go against Kylo Ren, even with everything Rey had taught me. Kylo's face hardened, and all expression that I had seen minutes earlier was gone. Even the life in his eyes had disappeared, leaving them another simple and dark shade of brown instead of the lively eyes of General Leia.

" Tomorrow is training at seven in the morning. Do not try not to show up, y/n. And go rest, I will not tolerate my apprentice being weak." He said. It was back. The cold hearted and ruthless commander of the First Order stood in front of me, and not the broken and lost boy I had seen a few minutes earlier, who I had grown fond of instantly.

I held back tears, I wasn't sure if they were tears of pain or fright. I knew I couldn't go back to training so soon, and especially not in my state, with my wounded arm and the haunting memory of blood coming up my throat as I hit the metal wall the only time I had trained with Kylo Ren.

" And for everyone's sake, y/n," he added as I began cautiously walking past him. " Put some appropriate clothing on." Kylo pointed out, as I remembered I was still dressed barefoot and in a simple hospital gown.

OC- 7234 was waiting outside the door, as always. But I wanted to be alone. Not even in the presence of a clone that never spoke unless spoken to. " OC- 7234, I'll be walking to my living quarters by myself. I wish to be in solitude." The stormtrooper nodded at my order, but still walked the same path I did, but did not follow me.

The floors of The Finalizer were glacial, and I hurried through the corridors as fast as I could, turning to look back every few seconds. I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going, but I knew it was taking me to my small room. I peaked behind me as a corridor met another and bumped into something, or rather someone.

It was a tall, reddish haired man, neatly dressed in a black suit. I had never seen him before, but I assumed he was important, based on the superiority look he shot at me. I stumbled back and almost fell, my balance wasn't the best at the moment. " Who... are you?" He asked in a disgusted voice, as if I was a vermin. I stood as straight as I could and tried to appear as imposing as I could. " I am master Ren's apprentice." I said in the most confident tone I could speak in.

The man raised his eyebrow, and his facial features and body composure seemed to loosen up.  "General Armitage Hux, of the First Order High Command." He said, formally introducing himself and extending his arm. " y/n, apprentice, of who knows where." I replied in the same formal way he had introduced himself, shaking Hux's hand. He lifelessly smiled and continued his path, while I walked the opposite direction. 

I had arrived to my small living quarters and managed to change without ripping open the stitches on my arm. I had plopped onto my bed and tears naturally came flowing down my cheeks like cold streams. I couldn't help it. I could prevent hating my life on The Finalizer but wanting to stay with Kylo. 

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Hi! I just wanted to give yet another thank you for the reads from all over! It is truly magnificent to know my fan fiction is appreciated by many :)

I just dropped this A/N because I wanted to comment on my own chapter. I wrote it mostly to describe how emotionally damaged our poor Kylo is :(  But also, how much of a complex and contradicting character he is. 

It took me a while to write this chapter because well, as I had mentioned in the previous A/N, I am not very good at writing first person POV ( But I can feel I am improving! ) The thing is, I had to find words that matched the exact vision I had for the scene in this chapter, and sorry if it transitioned super fast, but it was a closing to chapter 16.

Best wishes to all!

- Camille