The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 21, injuring memories

/ First Person POV /

" Never... " I repeated. It was impossible to describe how much I wanted to keep that promise, and I would do anything in my power to fulfill the vow, I would do anything to have Kylo Ren near me.  The world around us seemed to appear, and me and Kylo came back to our senses. He brushed away little tears of joy that ran down my cheeks, and smiled. I would never get over how beautiful that smile on him was: it was so sincere brightened, but it had a touch of pain and hurt to it. Kylo had been through so much, and I wanted nothing more than to rid him of the agony he held every day.

Kylo stood up and offered me a hand, it was warm. Even with his black glove over it, I could feel the warm human touch under it, Kylo's touch. " Come on, apprentice y/n, you have much things about the force to be taught." He said, and I could sense the lightness in his words, not the cruelty I could usually hear. " Rey taught you many things, didn't she, y/n?" He asked, his tone had become more serious. I looked away, remembering what I had done a month ago, how I had escaped without hesitation from The Finalizer. I nodded slightly and stared into his eyes. You aren't scared of him, y/n. I reminded myself.

Kylo stood up and stared at a one way window that was high on one of the walls, which was dark on our side. I had never seen it before, maybe because the only times I had been here I was staring at Kylo's weapon, and the only other time, into his eyes that made my heart skip a beat. He cleared his throat and his expression had completely changed, again. It had become serious, emotionless. " Y/n, my apprentice. Rise. It is 7:00 in the morning, and we will begin training." He said in a deep voice. I took deep breaths and stared at the window too, I felt something weird, but it was overpowered by the memories of the only other training I had received with Kylo.

You are not afraid of him. I repeated stronger and stronger in my head.

I stood up, and looked at him in the eyes, trying not to let him see the worry in mine, that tended to change a few shades of e/c darker when I was scared or angry. " Y/n." Kylo said, while taking his lightsaber handle. I had stopped breathing at the mear sight of it, but to my surprise, he had let it fall on the ground, next to his feet. " You are injured. While your wounds heal, we will not practice your combat abilities." I was relieved to hear that, I swear I could've jumped into his arms ad hugged the last breath out of him, but we were in training, and whatever had happened before was now forgotten, our minds were focused on duty.

" As I know you are aware, based on the... training you received with someone else," Kylo said, walking in circles around me. " The force is not something to be controlled, you flow with it, you coexist with it." I nodded as I followed his trail with my eyes. " Wrong, y/n. Only very powerful force sensitives can be equals to the force. Only few can reach their full potential, and I will teach you how to achieve yours." Kylo said, he seemed, blinded by power.

" Block your thoughts from me, y/n." He ordered, as he stepped in front of me.

" W- what?!" I babbled nervously. I had prevented Rey from reading my thoughts, but only because she wouldn't even use half her strength to penetrate my mind, and I knew Kylo would. His ambition made it impossible for me to enclose my mind from such a strong force sensitive.

" Ready, y/n?" He said, and I hadn't noticed his gloved hand was on my forehead, and he was staring deeply into my eyes. I took a deep breath ad closed my eyes, " ready."

I had closed my thoughts, but inside my mind, there was a strange pull that tried to rip the barriers open: Kylo Ren. I tried to fight it back, I put my whole strength on my thoughts. Be one with the force, y/n, Rey had once told me. The force lives inside you, as it does in everyone else, but you can interact with it, you can coincide with it, let it guide you, she had once told me. For countless minutes, I felt it. I felt the air I breathed and the aura around me, the force. But there was the turbulence in my head, Kylo was slowly making his way into my memories and thoughts, and no matter how much I tried to stop him, he was too much of a strong opponent.

I let him in. I let him see my thoughts, my recollections. But I had lost control: Kylo Ren was in my mind, he had access to any memory and thought of mine, and I couldn't stop him. I tried to block him out, I didn't want to disappoint him by failing the training, and I didn't want to let Kylo see some flashbacks, alas I was too late and too weak, Kylo was seeing, the afternoon in D'Qar, when I had woken up in a hospital bed next to General Leia, and she had talked to me about him, about who Kylo Ren used to be: Ben Solo.

Kylo exited my thoughts so swiftly and carelessly, it gave me a headache. He was breathing heavily, and I stared at him, attempting to see what he was feeling. He stood up, picked his lightsaber and left the training lounge in a hurry, without saying a word. I tried to call out to him, but no words would come out of my mouth. I had let him go inside my head. I was the one that allowed him to look at my every memory, and all for what? To see if I could fight it, against a trained Sith? Or maybe because of the foolish thought he could open the memories I couldn't remember.

But it didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. I had willingly showed him the recollection of his mother talking about her dead son. I had hurt the man I loved, and it was destroying me.