The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 44, Soothing presence

/ First Person Protagonist POV /

I was left speechless. I didn't know Praetorian Guards were allowed to speak. I didn't even know they could speak! Geez, y/n. I told myself, disappointedly. They're elite bodyguards, not illiterate barbarians, after all. I looked at the three other Praetorian Guards that sat on top of the mattresses on their cubicles, who also looked at me with piercing and frightening eyes. " I- I don't know?.." I answered confused and nervous. There was something in the way the Praetorian Guards acted, it made me feel inferior and almost... weak.

They remained quiet, but the first guard looked at me with suspicion. " Do you not have a name?" He asked. Why does he want to know about me?! I told myself, but maybe talking is what I needed after who knows what time I spent in the sole company of my thoughts. And maybe the Elite Praetorian Guard also wanted to speak to someone new, who knows how much time he spent as a guard, he looked in his mid thirties, he could have been a guard for Snoke before the First Order rose.  

" Y/n." I said. " My name is y/n." 

The first guard turned around and sat down in his own cubicle, as if he hadn't heard my answer. " Well, y/n. I recommend you forget that name. You aren't who you used to be anymore. Forget everything you ever did and everyone you ever knew or met, because from now on, you're not y/n anymore." He said, while laying down inside his capsule. " You're the third elite Praetorian guard."

His words sent an unpleasant shiver throughout my body. You're not y/n anymore. You're the third elite Praetorian guard. Those words stuck to my mind, and I knew every minute for the rest of my life, I would be reminded how that was being forced to be true. 

" Let your memories die. Kill them if they don't." Another guard said.

Memories... So many memories yet so little. Not remembering all of my life was already hard and paining enough, but having to forget everyone I had grown fond of? Finn, Poe, Rey, Leia, and... Kylo. An immense sorrow set in my heart as I laid in my closed cubicle. Impossible. My memories will not die, and I do not want to force myself to forget, I told myself. As I sighted, the lights turned off in an instant, and the room was completely dark. 

I tried opening the door of the capsule, but it was locked. I panicked, I had never liked closed spaces. I tried kicking and punching at the metal door, but it wouldn't budge. I was stuck in a body long cubicle, with no place to move. I wanted to scream for help, but I wasn't even sure sound could be heard over the capsule's door, and no one would have come to aid me anyways. 

/ Time Skip /

My eyes opened slowly to the fizzing sound of a fume coming out of a little opening at the top of my capsule, but I didn't have the space to react. I hated the fumes. Every time it was the half of the Praetorian guard's -which I was a part of- night to rest, the stupid gas had to wake me up. I didn't know what they were, and no other Praetorian Guard had cared to tell me. In fact, none of them even addressed to me anymore. Not even a glimpse. I tried holding my breath but eventually gave up, and I let the gas fill my lungs. I heard the capsule door click and immediately pushed it open, yearning to get out and stretch. 

The other three Praetorian Guards had stood up and each one was putting their armory on, followed by their bright crimson helmets. I didn't even take the time to stretch and wake up well, I only hurried and put on the chest and arm protective covering, before placing my helmet on as well and hurriedly walking in third place, which I had ended up by assuming was the correct order, in the line the other guards had already formed. 

Another day... How many weeks later? I didn't know. I had lost complete track of time, no matter how much effort I put into counting the days. I had lost interest in everything. What the first guard had told me the first night of me being a Praetorian Guard was slowly becoming true: I am not y/n anymore, I was a praetorian guard. I was another one of the living, but lifeless statues that guarded Snoke.

Y/n, she was full of life. But here, here there is no life. There is nothing and no one. I told myself. Even the little conscience at the back of my head had stopped talking. I had turned into what y/n had feared the most: lifeless and emotionless, just how everybody had been in the First Order at her arrival. Y/n is just another memory that is at the brink of death. I told myself as I returned to my original spot and upright position. I couldn't even call myself by that name anymore, it wasn't right. I was none other than the third Praetorian guard, and I knew it would sicken her. I knew it would disappoint y/n, but this is who she had turned into after countless days or weeks on The Supremacy.

I wouldn't even stare out of the corner of my eye what was going on around me, because, nothing was. But that day, Supreme Leader Snoke's aura was more agitated than usual. Something was going on, but that is what y/n would want to find out. I, only remained in my statue like position and kept my mind blank.

The sudden opening of the throne room was unexpected, but I wasn't startled. The room filled with the strong scent of chestnut fire wood and a nice, ocean breeze, and  no mater how far down y/n had been buried inside of me, she took control of my mind in an instant. It had been so long, but I felt alive, I felt like the old y/n the third Praetorian Guard had replaced. 

Because he was here. Kylo was here.