STAR TREK IMAGINES

Captain James T. Kirk

A/n: This whole chapter has mentions of Depression and major PTSD. Please do not read if that is a trigger for you

I quietly let out a shuddered breath, the soft footsteps of my dad walking around outside made it important I was quiet.
I had... everything, a loving father, the best adopted family I could imagine.
Why can't I stop crying?
I visited earth for 4 months out of the year, I had a very good friend down their, they were the best of me. We travel when I'm there, we help people, we re-write wrongs, we do it all together.
Why can't I stop these thoughts?
A few years ago it started, one day after My friend Alex and I helped someone, it went wrong and I lost Alex, everyone on the ship starting looking at me differently, my dad suggested I talked to counselor troi to try and process my grief, but it didn't help. Nothing ever helps.
Then I went back and I met someone new, even thought I was hesitant I shared my adventures with her, and I lost her.
It took the loss of 5 people before Dad said that if in those 2 months he'd now given me to be there, if I met anyone else who wanted to come with me, I had to forbid it.
Soon after the thoughts came, screaming in my head, never stopping, never letting go.
"FAILURE!" "YOU LET THEM DIE!"
Every night, that pain came back harder and harder, voices screaming in my head, screaming about how I failed, every thing I did wrong over and over again.
There were so many nights, where I just wanted to scream and destroy things, but I couldn't.
I couldn't be vulnerable because every time I was, it just hurt worse.
I started lying, not about everything, just that I was okay, I made up excuses for why my dad could hear sniffles in the middle of the night.
Now everything was hard, I'm not lazy, but the fear of messing things up again, was so paralysing getting out of bed was a battle.
Dad had announced before, that he'd take me to earth on a special trip but he said he wanted to talk to me there.
How do you tell the person who raised you, you don't want to feel anything?

TIME SKIP

Dad sat me down in a field, we'd brought a picnic since it was a nice day, but I could see it in his eyes I wasn't going to like our next conversation.
"Y/n, Before you try and shut me down and out, you're my daughter and I care and I want to know what's wrong"
He stated clearly, it wasn't hard to see that what ever he was expecting to hear was not the truth.
"I'm fine dad really"
I tried to smile and brush it off, like usual.
"Y/n, I talked to Deanna she told me, she sensed great sadness in you. Please tell me the truth"
He pleaded, my heart ached so badly in my chest I wanted it to rip out myself.
"Dad nothings wrong!"
I stood up and walked a few feet away, tears stung in my eyes, I felt so many emotions at once I thought I was about to explode.
"Answer me please honey, what's happening that's so bad you can't tell me?"
He stomped over, tears in his eyes too.
"Please tell me"
I couldn't keep silent any more, if I wanted to feel better this was my chance here and now.
"Dad, I'm struggling, a lot and I need- need time on my own because I can't keep doing this, I can't anymore"
He paused, thinking about what he was going to say, deep down in my heart, I knew that this was just not a good circumstance, he was a good dad but dealing with the issues that had developed in me, weren't going to be easy.
"Well, maybe if you spent more time on the ship, and we could up your sessions with Deanna, maybe you'll trust her enough to talk her since you don't talk to me"
Suddenly hearing him not get it, I felt like just burst, the bubble popped.
"YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU! WHERE DO I START!"
I roared in anger.
"You-you forbid me from coming to earth, You stop me from helping people, you think all my problems will be solved by talking to Deanna! Dad Don't you get it! I don't want to feel anything any more!"
I yelled, seeing the way he looked at me, I felt years of repressed anger coming up all at once.
"I just want to help, honey"
He softened up, trying to hug me.
"Dad I'm staying here I don't want to go with you any more"
He didn't say anything, he just stayed silent before gathering himself and walking away.
I watched as dad walked away, I felt nothing or I thought I did, until I collapsed on the ground, crying and screaming.
Alone.