"Was it? 'Cause I know for a fact you also told her when you got back, and everytime you would, y/n would get 'confused' and then our relationship would get 'out-of-sync,' and if you ask me, I think it's because y/n liked you back" Elliot said.
Jake...
"The muggings were confined to Cabot Street. They began over two months ago -" explained Charles.
"Just like this briefing did. Please go to charisma class" said Gina, looking up from her phone.
Jake ran in, late. "I'm here. I'm here. Sorry, Charles."
"No, Jake. Never apologize for making an amazing entrance" said Charles.
"My power went out last night, and my alarm didn't go off" explained Jake.
"Your alarm is power-dependent?" asked Amy. "You brought this on yourself, son."
"The point is, it will not happen again. Carry on" Jake said, running to sit down next to you.
Tuesday
"Sorry I'm late, Sarge. No hot water this morning. But I'm here, ready to go. Will cause no further distractions" said Jake.
Wednesday
"Sorry, sorry, sorry" said Jake.
"Seriously? What is your excuse today?" asked Terry.
"More bad luck. My car ran out of gas, and then my clothes from the Laundromat disappeared. I had to beg one of my neighbors to loan me some of his" Jake said, pointing at his stripy top and stripy pants.
"You never told us Sinbad lives in your building" Rosa said.
"If Sinbad lived in my building, I would have a tattoo on my forehead that said 'Sinbad lives in my building'" said Jake.
Thursday
Jake walked in, carrying a coffee. "I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, and I'm half an hour early."
Holt took off his glasses, and looked at his watch.
"That's right, my string of bad luck has finally come to an end" said Jake.
"Peralta, you failed your drug test. There were traces of cocaine and methamphetamines found in your urine" said Holt.
"What?" asked Jake.
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Holt walked out of his office.
"Captain, this is insane. I don't do drugs. I mean, sure, a couple of my teeth are loose, but that's from dental neglect, not meth" said Jake, walking over to him.
"Yeah, those tests are unreliable" said Charles, leaning back on his chair.
"Okay, let's not blame 'tests.' I believe in you, Jake, but come on, he's going after tests" said Amy.
"No one else apart from you likes tests, Amy. Just letting you know" you said.
"Sir, listen: The missing laundry, the hot water, the power, the gas, now this? This is not bad luck, it's a pattern. Someone's trying to sabotage me" said Jake.
"And who would want to do that?" asked Holt.
"Probably someone I put away. It's the only explanation" answered Jake.
"Or you didn't pay your bills and you only put a quarter gallon of gas in your tank 'cause you wanted to spend the rest on mini-mart beef jerky" Rosa said.
Jake corrected her. "Wrong, I buy my jerky online from the world's top jerkmasters, so it looks like you need to update your jerk rolodex, which is not as dirty as it sounds. Anyway, I can prove that I filled up my tank, all right? I even have a receipt, because I keep all my receipts like a mature adult person. Laser tag, wheelie shoes, remote control monster truck. Aha! Gas station. Someone drained my tank."
"Okay, I know you don't do drugs, so maybe there is something to what you're saying. I'll talk to One Police Plaza and arrange an appeal. I'll also put someone on this sabotage theory" said Holt.
"I got it" volunteered Charles. "Jake, when I find whoever did this to you, I'm gonna rip out their eyeballs and fill their sockets-"
"I think you might be too close to this" Holt said.
"Copy that" said Charles.
"Santiago, Diaz, l/n: Look into it" said Holt.
"Noice" Jake said, smiling.
"In the meantime, Peralta, you're suspended" said Holt. Jake stopped smiling. "I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun."
"All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out 'The system stinks!'" said Jake.
"Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452_J, hand in said form to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail" said Holt.
"The system stinks!" shouted Jake.
--------------------
Jake threw a file down on the table in the interrogation room. "Okay, this is everyone I could think of who would want to mess with my life. Perps, people I've testified against, the old guy who lived underneath me when I was learning the Gangnam Style dance."
"Wow, you've pissed off a lot of people" said Rosa.
"Well, that's what happens when you live out loud, Rosa" said Jake, sitting down.
"We need to look into the power outage and hot water" you said.
"Do you have proof you pay your bills?" asked Amy.
"Are you serious? Guys, this is not my fault. My reputation is being sabotaged by some guy. Or girl, you know. Monsters can be women too" Jake said.
Rosa rolled her eyes. "Super progressive attitude, Jake. Look, we are on your side. It's just, you're not the most responsible person. We have to do our job."
"All right, fine. You can see my bank records. But I always pay my power bill. Often late. One time in person with Canadian pennies" said Jake.
"Oh, my God, talking about your finances makes me sweat behind the knees" said Amy.
"Hey, speaking of funky smells, should we start this investigation at the urinalysis lab? Hmm? Take a trip to the old pee factory?" asked Jake.
"Jake, you're suspended. Just go home, have a beer, watch some TV" you said.
"Smash something. That's what I'd do" suggested Rosa.
"Or take advantage of this amazing city. Go sightseeing. MoMA has an exhibit I'm dying to see. It's all about office chair design" said Amy.
"Oh" said Jake. He did a thumbs down. "Look, I know technically I'm not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken."
"They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken" Amy said.
"Uh, piñatas" Jake said.
"Glowsticks" you said.
"Karate boards" said Rosa.
"Spaghetti when you have a small pot" you said.
"Rules" said Jake. "Look, someone's messing with my life here. I thought you guys had my back."
"We do" said Rosa.
"But, seriously, you can't come with us" you said.
"Okay. Fine. I get it. Protocol's protocol. I'm gonna go check out that office chair design exhibit at the MoMA" said Jake, leaving the room.
