Bad for You (GU #1)

sixty-four

Sixty-Four: Just Not Enough

Friday. Last day of exam. Last day of this semester. I couldn't believe I already survived a semester in college. Five months since I went here in Manila. Only five months yet it seemed much, much longer than that dahil sa sobrang daming nangyari. At hindi lang basta-basta ang mga iyon. Everything that happened was life changing. Like for sure I wasn't the CN who first came here five months ago.

Napatingin ako sa repleksyon ko sa salamin. I looked the same. It was the same face I usually see in the mirror. Pero, sa loob ko, tila ba ang laki nang tinanda ko. Sa dami ba naman nang pinagdaanan ko. And it might not be reflected on my face but the CN I know now had much grown when it comes to life.

I glanced at the wall clock. It read nine twenty. Mamaya pang one o'clock ang klase ko. Nag-exam na kasi kami para sa first class ko dapat ngayon kaya't hindi na namin kailangang pang mag-meet. The only class I had for today was Philippine History. Ang klase kung saan nandoon din siya. Si Slade.

Sa pagkaalala kay Slade, hindi maiwasang bumalik rin sa isipan ko ang pag-uusap namin kagabi ni Lola. It was maybe an hour after Kimberly left when Lola called me. Simula noong lumuwas ako pabalik ng Manila, lagi na kaming nag-uusap sa phone. Sila, kinakamusta ako, yung mga naging exams ko, maging si Mama. Ako, ganoon din naman sa kanilang dalawa ni Lolo lalo na kay Lola na nasa recovery stage pa rin. Lagi kong tinatanong kung naiinom ba ni Lola yung mga gamot na bilin ng doktor. She always answered me yes.

Noong mga nakaraang araw, dama ko nang nagpapahaging si Lola tungkol sa pagbalik ko doon. Hindi niya lang siguro nabanggit yun dahil alam niyang busy ako sa exams. Pero kagabi, diretso na akong tinanong ni Lola tungkol doon.

"Sasabay ka ba sa Mama mong luluwas dito sa Sabado, o susunod ka na lang?" tanong ni Lola matapos ng aming kumustahan. At dinig ko sa boses niya na ang nais niyang isagot ko ay ang una.

I was hesitant. If Sunday afternoon didn't happen, the answer was just so easy. But now, knowing that everything wasn't settled yet, I don't know. I felt like I couldn't go back if there was still unfinished business here.

"Lola, hindi ko pa po alam eh," tapat kong sagot. "Depende po siguro kung wala na pong irerequire 'yung mga professors na ipasa pa. O kung may kukunin pa sa school." Sa puntong iyon, hindi ko na nasabi pa ang totoong dahilan. Ayaw ko lang mag-isip pa siya ng kung anu-ano. Natatakot din ako na kapag nalaman niya ang totoong dahilan, baka makasama lang sa kalagayan niya.

"But you would go back here soon, right?" Her voice was almost pleading and it nearly broke me. She already missed me. Lola sighed. "Sorry, it's just that it's really different when you're not here. Alam mo namang ikaw lang ang kasiyahan ko nitong mga nakaraang araw, CN."

Inilayo ko ang cell phone at huminga nang malalim. This was harder than I thought. Nang normal na ulit ang paghinga ko, sumagot na ako sa kanya gamit ang alam kong masayang boses, "Yes. Don't worry, La, will be there as soon as possible. Promise."

I heaved a deep breath as I stared now blankly at the wall. Last night, I barely had sleep at all. Paano, gising ang buong diwa ko hindi dahil sa natitirang exam kundi sa kakaisip nang susunod na gagawin. But it paid off, I guessed, because I already made up my mind. Alam ko na ang gagawin ko.

After I had an early lunch in Tita Lanie's house, Mama drove me to school. Tinanong niya pa ako kung gusto ko daw bang magpasundo pagkatapos ng exam pero tumangggi ako. May kailangan pa akong gawin kaya't hindi rin ako maagang makakauwi. Kaya naman nagbilin na lang si Mama na umuwi ako mamayang dinner, pagkatapos noon ay nagpaalam na rin siya.

Samantalang tinungo ko naman ang kinaroroonan ng building namin. As I walked to the elevator, I couldn't hide my uneasiness. I was going to see him. Ilang ulit pa akong huminga nang malalim, pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili. I kept on doing that until I reached our classroom.