LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

The Steps Towards Realizing I Was Different

By mcnuttm

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To begin, I remember of being younger, maybe eight or nine, wondering of what the term "gay" and "lesbian" meant, because at that time, it seemed to be a hot topic. The news had said about it, kids were speaking about sexualities (in a playful manner), and even my mom had expressed the certain terms to my family members when they thought I wasn't listening.

I remember asking my older cousin about it, and she had explained what the terms meant. She told me of how some people thought that it was wrong to be gay, and how others would say derogatory comments about the LGBT community. And when she had asked me of why I was asking her this, especially at he young age of nine, I became confused. I didn't know why. All I knew was that I didn't like people who judged others. I remember how she told me that if I ever started to like a girl that she would accept me, but me being as oblivious as I was, and really not wanting to come to terms with this new sexuality, I simply denied it.

Although, as time went on, things became a lot more complicated.

In fifth grade, our last year in elementary school, the topic of crushes and who liked who became a huge conflict. I remember of how all my friends would talk about how they liked these boys and this band and this celebrity...blah, blah, blah. Later on, I remember admitting to my friends that I had a crush on two guys in our grade (I didn't realize until later that these guys may have just been physical attractions). I did this just so that I didn't feel left out, alone.

In the summer between fifth and sixth grade, when I was eleven years old, something changed inside me. At the time, I didn't understand what it was, but now I know of it as what I like to call "the hormonal summer". I won't go into great detail about it, but I can say that it was a pretty interesting break that had to do with a lot of hot celebrities—by celebrities, I mean girl celebrities.

Moving on to sixth grade. Ah! Middle school!

Everyone, and I mean everyone was so tall, and pretty and cute. They were just...hot. Even though I had already been asking about the LGBT community to many, I hadn't actually started questioning my sexuality—or at least tried not to—until late October of that school year. Maybe it had something to do with this hot eighth grade girl, N. She had chestnut brown hair, light colored eyes and an affectionate smile. She was considered the "popular girl", as she was the head cheerleader at our school. It was silly of me to think that I, a teeny little sixth grader, could get her, a gorgeous eighth grade girl that could pass for a teen model. But I do remember of a rare instance where a rumor of her dating this guy, EM, passed around school. And it turns out that it was indeed true. And he was...cute...not really, but I could see why N liked the guy. They were couple goals, surely. Yes, I had finally learned to acknowledge that I had a girl crush on N, but nothing ever progressed. Since she was in the eighth grade, and I was too scared to ever admit my feelings for her, she passed on to high school without ever knowing.

I'm going to fast forward to seventh grade now...

Literally it was only the second week of school, and I already had another girl crush. Pitiful, I know. By this time, I had become apart of huge fandom for the girl group, Fifth Harmony. This, although it doesn't seem that important, played a huge role for me to help accept and understand my sexuality—Fifth Harmony, that is.

While all of this was going on (me becoming apart of a fandom and developing yet another girl crush), I still had decided not to tell anyone, because I was afraid of what people would say. Living in a Christian filled, Texas town can be pretty hard sometimes. And even though I knew that most of the students at school wouldn't be judgmental, I was still pretty nervous to tell anyone.

My family was, like most common are, Christian. I knew that my mom didn't exactly accept gay couples, and I also knew that she never really liked the whole transgender bathroom thing, so I was pretty nervous and scared to tell her that I was gay. Well, technically I am bisexual, but we'll let that slide for a moment. Any who...

I was facing a lot of internal conflict and anxiety from the time that I started to accept my sexuality up until the time I came out. First thing I worried about was if my mom would still love me. Would she hurt me? Would she throw me out? I was only twelve years old, so I would have definitely not been able to survive long on my own.

At the time of all of this, I had decided to research and figure out ways to come out, or at least ways to survive on my own (I was that scared). After reading and hearing about many bad coming out stories—and good ones, too, but I focused solely on the scary ones—it all started to crash. It was too much information for me to handle, and I became nervous for my existence. There were times, especially when my mom would bring up the topic about the LGBT community, that I'd want to scream out, "Hey! I'm bisexual, by the way!", but I never did, that is, until late November.

By this time, I had finally decided to come out to my friend, H, and she had accepted me quite easily. However, the time out coming out didn't come until one Friday morning when I had decided last minute to tell my mom. I was going to tell her that I was bisexual. Scary, I know.

Let's just say that there were tears—relief filled tears by the way. She had expressed her love for me, and how she would always love me no matter what. I remember the weight that had lifted off my chest, the feeling of not having to hide anymore. And since I didn't have that have that fear that if I were to come out to my school friends and they'd tell my mom, I came out to my school through an Instagram post on December 29th, 2016.

And then on, if anyone asked, I would simply say that I'm bisexual. Because I am.

BUT, before I close this chapter (that seems to be dragging on), I want to say this;

I think one thing that people get wrong for the term bisexuality is that someone is only attracted to two genders—specifically male and females—equally. This is a false statement. Yes, someone can be attracted to two genders, but no, they don't have to be just male or female. Someone could be attracted to only girls and transgender FTM, or another person could be attracted to only transgender MTF and girls. It just depends on the person.

Additionally, pop culture wants to decide that being bisexual means that you like the two genders exactly the same; fifty-fifty. That is also false. Some guys like girls more than they like guys, or some girls like guys way more than they like girls. Or even some girls like guys more than they like FTM guys, but they still are sexually attracted to both genders. That's just how it is. This doesn't change who they are as a person, nor does it change the meaning of their sexuality.

Take me for instance. I am a bisexual African-American teenage girl, who just so happens to like girls way more than guys. So what? I'm still bisexual. Same difference.

It took me some time to accept this, and for many others to, also. I mean, after basically coming out to my friends and family claiming that I'm bisexual, they'd think that I'm completely gay for liking girls more than guys, and think that I am just too scared to admit it. But that was truly false. I'm proud to be who I am, and I hope that others are, too.

Thank you to anyone who is still reading this, and if you want to chat, talk, or anything related to that, PM mcnuttm