LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

I Am Proud

By RainbowQuake_

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Hi I'm Kellin. Yea this is my second milestone, but I thought I should share this because I know there's probably millions of people out there who did or are doing this. First things first, I am a lesbian. In fifth and sixth grade I was in major denial about who I was. I was always taught that love was between a man and woman. Anything LGBT is like toxic in my house. I had no idea what gay, lesbian, bi, pan, etc., was. All through grade school my friends would ask me if I had a crush on any boys, and I would always make them up. In fifth grade I had my first girl crush, she was my best friend (we'll call her B), and I was terrified. I thought there was something wrong with me. I told myself this was wrong, this can't happen. I need to hide this. I suppressed the feelings.

Sixth grade, I found out B had also liked me in fifth grade, but by then we parted ways. In sixth grade that's when I learned what LGBT was. I found out my friend G had a crush on me, and that's when I really questioned myself. I didn't want to admit that I had a crush on her, but deep down I knew I did. I told myself I was bisexual, because at the time I was dating this guy Z, we dated for a week, before I broke up with him, because to me it was just strange knowing I was with a guy, and that I'm "supposed" to marry a guy, but I just couldn't see it happening. So I broke up with him, but I didn't explain why, because I couldn't explain to myself why. G and I started dating. This was the most terrifying thing for me. My first girlfriend. I loved her, more than I could love any man that's not my family or friend.

Before we dated we got super close, I went to her for everything, for help, advice, just to talk. The moment it became official that we were dating, I just stopped. I went to someone else I don't know why I did this, I just did. I think it was because I was insecure about having a girlfriend, my first. We dated for a year, and I broke up with her, because there was a lack of communication, and we just didn't talk anymore. We're still friends though. During summer going on to seventh grade, that's when I came out to myself, I told myself I am gay. I am a lesbian. I was happy, it felt right. There was a time I thought I was transgender, but something happened that sunk me into bad self image issues, which I still deal with but its not as bad. I'm gonna talk about that because it's very personal.

Summer going to eighth grade, my friend N and I were getting close. Closer than G and I. N is way different than G.

N and I are dating, and are still dating, and I love her very much.

Before we started dating we talked a lot, we told each other everything. I helped her through a bad heart break, and she helped me with everything. One night we were playing 20 questions, and it started off with us just asking random questions, but at the end of our game she says "I have one more question, but it can wait till tomorrow" I reply with. "What no way, I needs to know now! What is it?"

She goes, "Okay...Kellin." "Okay......N"

"Will you be my girlfriend?" She asks. My mind was blown, I was so happy, I had the biggest crush on her. I obviously said yes, and now we've been dating for almost a year now, and I am getting better with communicating with her.

Anyways what I'm trying to say here is don't hide who you are. Be proud if it. You can't change who you are, and it's so unhealthy if you hide and deny who you are. Be proud of who you are. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Have confidence. I'm slowly raising my self confidence, and my self image, and I'm becoming happier.

Love yourself. Just remember.

Trying to be someone else is a pure waste of time, strive to be better than you were yesterday - Eric Stanley

-Kellin / RainbowQuake_