LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

When Mormonism Ruined Me

By Emma

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So I was a Mormon girl my whole life. I love Jesus, and I know he loves me. But there was always rules, always those dumb, heart crushing rules. At 9, I was scrolling the internet, looking for something, I believe a cheat sheet for a game I played, when I came across pornography. Slowly, my young, curious mind was piqued, and I clicked to look at more pictures, leading me into a depthless and spiraling addiction I had no idea was crushing me. Age 10, I was looking at a lot of lesbian porn, loving it, craving it more that heterosexual. My parents found out, and I took a decent break for about two years from the porn, sometimes sneakily coming back and snatching peeks that wasn't the best choice for me. I realized by 13 I was into girls, but also boys.I struggled with my religion even more, hating the fact that I couldn't love girls and be fine with it. My bishop never found out my addiction, and I kept it that way with guilt settling heavy on my already burdened shoulders. I was really having trouble, during church I couldn't even be myself.14 I knew, just knew that I liked girls, and I was a lesbian. My good Mormon friend Sera, always called me pretty and nice, favoring me above some of her good friends just two months into our friendship. I liked her, and I crushed hard. My gay friend, whom I confided in regularly, was supportive, even encouraging. I didn't want his encouragement though, I just wanted it to stop.Finally, I came out to my parents, and they were furious. I was far from accepted, I was thrashed, yelled at, and my personal space invaded. But eventually they tolerated my liking, even asked who my girl crush was with interest. I managed to come out of the closet, a little scarred, but nothing that would hurt me. I want to attend the church with an intentness in my heart, but sometimes I can't stand it. I want a wife, not a husband, but I want to stay in the church.I knew I will have to give up my going to church, but as long as I am happy, I will do what I have to. So this may not have a happy ending, but I'm hoping for one and that maybe, just maybe my dear friend Sera and I could date sometime.