LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

Handle With Care

Anonymous

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This is the story of how I had my heart stolen and broken. I first met him when I was 4, in Nursery, before school even began. I honestly thought he was the most peculiar thing I had ever seen. Back then, and even a bit now, I struggled with social constructs and mannerisms; so when I met this jumpy, enthusiastic ball of awesome I couldn't help but be intrigued! As time went on and we moved through school, we just played. He taught me how to be human! But, one day in year 4, all that changed. We had a falling out and, being the social dumbass I was, wandered off to another social group. This was, quite possibly, the worst mistake I ever made. You see, soon after this had happened, my father died from terminal cancer. I had no idea what to do with myself. Everything I learned seemed to just fall away and I was left with this message of confusion. Of course, this other social group had no idea what was wrong with me; they were only 8, how could they be expected to know? To them I was just a weirdo, and so they treated me like one. Unfortunately, all this time, I was completely oblivious to the fact that they were doing the same to him. This went on all the way through Primary School, until we escaped to Secondary School. I promised myself I would leave everything behind and start new. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that. At 11 years old, I was starting to question a few things. Stray thoughts about guys, existential questions; the usual for a kid that age. But, thing was, he was there too. We even started talking again! I was thrilled! What I failed to realise was that he wasn't the same. Through most of Year 7 we talked intermittently, but it wasn't until year 8 until I began to realise what I felt for him. We had banded together a social group, and I was coping because he was there. But, then he left. With word or whisper, he just left for another social group.

I couldn't deal with it, so I followed him like a lost lamb. I actually made quite a few new friends but I always feel guilty when I see who I used to be friends with; for leaving them behind. At this point there was no doubt about how in love with him I was. He found an excuse to link my every thought to him; it was like my life revolved around him. For want of a better word, I'd say it was like an obsession. The day he came out as gay made me want to jump and shout! I was so happy that I had a chance with him! I even got to the stage where I asked him out! This is when it all fell apart. The way he said "no" still haunts me today. It was like some had shattered my heart and taken the pieces; leaving a gaping hole. Tbh, it still feels like that; even just remembering it. After that, we didn't talk as much. Being slightly older, I understood a few more things about social interaction than I did before, but even still it was hard to cope. He was my confidence. I don't blame him though; his life had come to revolve around social status and I was at the bottom of the pile. Dating me would have been social suicide. I dated a few guys after that. To be honest, I think they were just rebound. Even if the last one was only 2 months ago. Everyone feels like rebound now. I guess that's what love does to you if it isn't handled with care.