LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

Never ending void: pt. 2 coming out

By Caro

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I'm a freshman in high school now and I've started coming out to my closest friends as a lesbian since the year started.

When I was about five years old, my family became friends with this other family that lived near our house. That family had two sons, one was a year younger than me and the other is two years older than me. We were all really close friends for many years and our families went to trips together. But as we grew older and my family moved from our old house, we all grew apart.

It was one day at school that the older boy that I used to be friends with, who is a sophomore, approached me with a question.

You see, by this time I had been through a lot of drama already; I had already told my closest friends and they were all pretty chill about it, this one girl (let's call her Allison) who just so happened to know my childhood friend (let's call him Blake)told him about my sexuality. So when he approached me, he told me we needed to talk and I was really nervous because how could this girl just tell him about this so quickly. He told me he was gay too.

With that, we both grew closer together. Blake had already come out to his parents and it was in one bizarre way. To sum up what happened, they basically took him to this Christian church to get the "demons" out of his soul.

This, however, got me really worried. I told him I was planning on coming out to my mom before Christmas break, but hearing this story... I mean his parents and mine were really close and well, how was I supposed to tell them? Were they going to ask each other for advice?

Blake and I decided to stick together and, well, hope for the best.

That's when shit started going down.

Two weeks before Christmas break:

Blake tells me he's been talking to my crush (let's call her Indigo), who's also a sophomore and bisexual, and he says she wants to talk to me. I take it as a joke, saying that she's probably just joking

That afternoon, I tell my mother I think I might like girls. I told my mother first because I thought she was going to be the one that really understood and then we would grow closer together.

Turns out I was wrong. She said she doesn't mind gays or whatever but she isn't happy with her daughter being one. She then asked me if I wanted to go from female to male, and I told her no. She then got relaxed, and said, "I think you're confused, you probably just think you don't deserve boys so you've gotten into conclusions" I got pissed off, started crying, faked her a smile, and pretended as if it didn't bother me that she said that "Yeah sure mom, it's probably that"

One week before Christmas break:

I find out one of my closest friends is bisexual, we grow closer together as I tell him I'm a lesbian. Blake wants to hook up with my friend, and he also gives my number to my crush, Indigo.

Indigo and I hang out a couple of times on school, after what happened with my mom, I was still scared someone else would find out so I hung out with her in hidden places.

My mom started trying to look through my phone and I could tell I started building walls between us, always telling her "I'm fine" and smiling.

The girl mentioned before, Allison, told most of my generation about my sexuality without me knowing as they started spreading rumors. My friends did their best and stopped the rumors, denying I was gay so I wouldn't get taunted at school.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day:

Blake called me at school and told me Indigo had broken up with her girlfriend and now she wanted to date me.

Now I didn't even know Indigo had a girlfriend when she started talking to me.

On Valentine's Day she asks me to spend the rest of the day in school with her. She gives me a rose, locks her arm around mine, and starts walking around school with me.

She smiles to every person we walk past, they give her a knowing grin and I stay clueless on what to do. She starts taking pictures with me, we talk about our friends, we talk about her ex and then we encounter one of my closest friends.

She was a Christian, I hadn't told her about my sexuality because I was scared since she had told me they were pretty homophobic when it came to this topic. We start talking about it all, about Indigo, she starts crying but at last we end up pretty cool with it

The week after Valentine's:

The school halls are filled with rumors. Everyone's giving me dirty stares including Indigo. I tried my best avoiding her as soon as I heard what he rumors were

"She hooked up with Indigo when Indigo had a girlfriend" "They're basically making out in every hall of school" "they're pretty careless and they're girlfriends".

I started avoiding the girl I wished to one day be with. The girl I thought I deserved. In the end... the girl that started spreading dirty rumors about me and my sexuality. The girl I am still too blind to see that I shouldn't be with, but I wish to be everyday.