LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

Lesbian or pansexual?

By Nadia

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Hello, my name is Nadia. And I right now have been struggling to understand if I am a lesbian or pansexual. The problem is, I came out as bisexual to my mom and friends. So let's go back to how all of this started.

I was eleven and I moved to where I currently am now. I also joined choir. There was this pretty cute chick, and I always wanted to talk to her and thought she was so pretty. Then fast forward a year. I met this girl named Sarah. She's straight. But I grew feelings for her. I only told a really jackass guy and a guy who I didn't know had a crush on me at the time.

At the end of that year, I didn't like Sarah anymore. Although, the worst had happened. One day, while going to guitar practice, I had my mom hold onto my phone for me. She ended up searching my phone. On the car drive home, she asked if I was bisexual and I started to cry and say I wasn't. Later on I told myself I was straight, and convinced myself I had a crush on this guy. Which I will forever regret doing so. We basically became best friends, I asked him out OVER TEXT, and never got an answer. Some shit went down and now he thinks I hate him.

Then summer came, and I got a massive crush on this guy a year older than me. Nothing ever happened since I didn't go to school with him or anything. He was just eye candy. Now during eighth grade, I met Makenna.

She was the first person I met who was gay. Makenna was very open about being a queer and that's what helped me accept myself to her. In April (I met her around December) I came out to my mom. She thought I was joking, and then when she realized I wasn't she accepted me. I started coming out to more friends, and I realized a ton of people I knew were also LGBT.

Then a little after I came out to my mom, I started crushing hard on Makenna. I still do like her, and we sorta flirt once and awhile. She came out to me as Non-binary over text, and I replied, "Cool. Thanks for helping me figure out I'm pansexual." Also EVERYONE ships us. But neither of us are in a place in our lives where we are ready for relationships. And that's okay. But recently I've been wondering if I'm really bi/pan or a lesbian. I haven't been attracted to a guy since Scott, and that was still only just him looking hot. Girls i've had a more connection with. Although I just came to the conclusion to call myself Queer. Then just to see how everything goes.

Good luck to anyone else trying to figure out their sexuality.

Stay safe,

Nadia