LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

The Odd One Out

By Ayo

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Hi. I'm Ayo. I'm Nigerian and I'm a lesbian.

So, some of you may have heard of my country, others... maybe not. Anyway, Nigeria is in Africa, it's the most populated nation on this continent, its filled with hundreds of different tribes and it's a highly conservative state. Most people in it are either Christians (south and east) or Muslims (west and north) so it's pretty much one of the most homophobic places in the world.I hear homophobic comments all the time. It's celebrated in my country. People get applauded for speaking against the 'evil that is homosexuality and all the pedophiles preying on innocent children'. Basically nobody wants to know about people like me unless it's to blackmail, beat up, rape (if it's a woman) or probably kill the person in question. So you can kinda get how deep in the closet I am. I mean, for a country so divided by ethnicity and religion, Nigerians sure know how to work together to teach a gay person a lesson. You get preached to, threatened, insulted, deprived of many privileges and thrown into jail for identifying or associating with lgbt community. It gets scary sometimes.I started noticing my attraction to the same sex when I was about fifteen or so. I was already a tomboy. I walked like a boy, I preferred their clothes, my mum was super aggrieved by it. She forbade me from wearing pants and we had a long, bitter war about it. She prayed, had me exorcized a few times and finally gave up to the point of even buying me my first jeans. I was so happy.I kept wondering why I wasn't interested in the guys though. All my friends had boyfriends already (although secretly as it is frowned upon and described as wayward). I was the only one who didn't. Funny enough I didn't care. I just knew I didn't want to be exchanging saliva with some icky boy. I used to kid around with one of my best friends that I was bi. We'd laugh and joke about getting together and the likes. She was the first person I ever had a crush on.The day I felt this intense urge to kiss her I panicked and ran home. I didn't want to be a lesbian. I didn't want to go to hell. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. So I fasted and prayed and tried my hardest and for a while it would seem like it was working and then I'd meet this new girl and be totally marveled by her and the whole vicious cycle would begin again.Mind you, it's illegal to be gay in Nigeria. Holding hands on the road in front if the wrong people will get you harassed by the police and possibly charged if they found 'evidence'.So imagine a kid like me, struggling to understand why I was feeling this way and afraid that I would get punished for not trying hard enough to stop it.It wasn't hard to fall into depression. Then came the self hate, the indifference to life, the rage at God, my country, my family. I stopped talking to people because if they knew who I was, they'd want to hurt me. So it was better that I never gave them the chance. Then I got into college and I met this girl. I can still remember thinking how annoyingly beautiful she was. She dressed like me, she thought like me, we seriously just clicked. The instant our eyes met, we both grinned at each other. I can't figure out why yet, but I was so drawn to her.She sought me out and we had lunch. We were laughing, talking and it was all so natural. She was different from everyone else I knew, like I was different. But there was just something more, you know?Her name is Anita. Anita and I grew really close. We still hadn't talked about the 'thing' between us cause for all my suspicion, I wasn't sure she was gay. I thought she was joking like my other friend was. We flirted back and forth, went everywhere together, did everything. I kept getting mixed signals. One minute she was all over me and the next she was flirting with this guy who also had this huge thing for her. I mean, Anita was the kind of girl everyone wanted to be with.You know what pissed me off? That the guy (Timothy) could ask her out and I couldn't.That if he did it was normal and if I did it was disgusting and a sin and criminal. I was simply a girl with an incredible crush on another girl. Why couldn't that be enough? Why did everyone have to over analyze everything?I had other new friends by now. I found some really cool (although misguided) people. Jacob was gay and he openly admitted it to everyone much to my envy and sometimes irritation. PJ is straight (sometimes I doubt that very much) but he does support me. It was amazing having people with whom I didn't have to watch what I say. It's really rare to find such shit over here. Anyway, Anita pulled away from me. She became distant and we never talked anymore. I found out recently that my mum was behind it and it nearly made me cry. I mean, my parents suspect I'm gay, but they aren't sure. They've banned me from seeing her and it really hurts that I have to lie whenever we're together.I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of evading the issue. I'm tired of being careful and watching what I do cause other people are also watching. And it doesn't help that my mum lectures where I school.Anita got a girlfriend last year, and I was okay with it because I'm really not ready to handle a relationship. She and her girlfriend broke up now and we're tighter than ever. Yeah we're not together but I'm so thankful for having her in my life.She made me feel like I'm not the only odd one in the rack. She made me appreciate my uniqueness and love myself for it. Because of her, I've learned to ignore all the homophobic comments I hear. I just let it roll over my back. Yeah it's kinda depressing that I can't walk on the street with my girlfriend without getting arrested but you know what? I don't care. They can't ever make me hate myself. I'm the only one who can make myself less than what I am.So this is dedicated to a tall, light skinned, basketball loving, food hoarding, soda hating, completely amazing weirdo who taught me that normal isn't always right. And that being different is the best part of me.This is for Anita.