LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 3

Finding yourself

By James DoctorAngelMoriarty

~

Hey, my name is James and I identify as transgender ftm and pansexual.

It all started about a year ago. I spent a lot of time in the internet and got somehow in contact with LGBTQ+.

I've known for a long time that I'm not heterosexual, but I always ignored it. Not because I didn't want it, I just didn't feel ready to really think about it.

I had had a few crushes on girls and boys, so I first thought I'm bisexual. But then I realised that I didn't care what gender a Person belongs to and I also had many crushes on non-binary people so I felt like bisexual didn't fit.

I started to read everything about sexuality and when I first read about pansexuality, I was like: yes boi, this is me.

So I knew, that my parents are lgbtq+-friendly, and that my sister is bisexual and came out to them, so I didn't have any problems with coming out (of course I was extremely nervous tho because both my parents are priests)

In the beginning, I felt the urge to tell everyone that I'm pansexual and I told some friends of mine, but now it seems ridiculous and I'm like:

OMG I'M SO GAY AND PUNSEXUAL (pun intended) so I don't make a secret out of it xD

But then, after I had accepted myself, I realised that there was more I had been hiding.

I had always felt extremely uncomfortable in my body, but I thought it was normal.

I learned about the T in LGBTQ+ and started to think about it. It fit.

And suddenly everything made more sense.

In kindergarten, I always played with the boys and said that I hated girls, that carried on in elementary school and I had always felt weird and bad when someone said girl to me, or somebody seperated the class into girls and boys.

(I'm not saying that if you have done these things you're trans, it just fits in my case)

I was very unsure the following months, I realised how much I had been supressing these feelings.

I "opened up" and everything kinda fell onto me and it got a lot worse.

My body dysphoria increased A LOT and I started to feel very uncomfortable.

I told my internet friends about it and started to live as James in the internet.

This time was very difficult and weird but I noticed that my life as boy and as 'James' was the right one for me.

This all happened in October, November, December and January

But then, in the end of January, I came out to both my sisters per text message. I asked them what they think, how our parents are going to react.

They we're both supportive and nice.

On the next day, my sister recommended to my parents they should buy this really good book about gender and they did buy it.

I was afraid because I didn't know what else my sister had told our parents. After my mum had read it, she came to me and asked if I was suicidal because in the book there are things about LGBTQ+ teens being more likely to commit suicide.

And then I said: "No, but I think I'm transgender"

We had many good and serious conversations after that and my parents started to research everything. They were and are so supportive and I'm so grateful that they're my parents.

There was this one moment I'm never going to react. It was the morning after I told them that I want to be called 'James'.

I came into the kitchen to have breakfast and my dad looked up from his book and smiled at me and said: "Welcome to the family, James"

I won't, I cried out of happiness later that day.

I'm out to several friends at school and they we're all pretty supportive. I'm also out to all relatives (it was okay) and to old friends of my parents.

But of course not everything is fine right now.

I am in a bad mental state right now and I'm still trying to find myself in all that suppressing feelings and pretending to be happy.

Right now, we're planning the coming out at my school and in this town. We already had several meetings with the head master, conselour and soon my therapist.

I'm really looking forward to it, because I hate my birth name so much and 'pretending to be a girl' is terrible.

Of course there will be a lot of hate, because this is a small town and we have many not that tolerant persons here.

And this is where I am right now.

In the middle of everything and nothing. I'm not fine, I'm fighting.

Yeey.