In Omnia Paratus Book 3

What could have been

"Okay not in a sad way..." I began as Richard and I laid in bed together tired after what we'd just done, if you get what I mean.

"Any sentence that starts like that is bound to be sad Jen." He complained to me.

"No no it's not sad. Well it is but I don't want this to be a sad thing okay? Do you ever think about how our lives would be with Maisie still alive?" I asked.

"Uh sometimes. I mean we would have a 3 year old little girl right now." Richard smiled.

"Pretty cool if we did." I nodded.

"I always wondered right, how often does it come to your mind?" Richard asked.

"I don't know, not everyday anymore." I explained. It had started to vanish from my memory but it would never completely fade of course.

"Me too I guess." He shrugged.

- - - - -

"Jenna?" Violet asked as she was laying in my lap falling asleep one night. Her surgery was in just a few days and you could tell everyone was nervous about it especially violet.

"Yeah Hun?" I asked.

"I don't want to die." She said innocently. I never thought I'd hear her say that. I mean the severity of the cancer was told to her but I never thought she would believe that would happen.

"Oh violet, you aren't going to. The operation your having is going to make sure that's not going to happen." I said as she lifted her head and sat next to me on my bed instead of laying down.

"I want to see grace all grown up as my little sister." Violet said proudly.

"I'm sure that will happen V." I nodded. "Are you scared about the surgery?"

"A little. But all the doctors told me don't worry because it's only going to get better from then on." She smiled.

"They're right. This could get you cancer free or at a lot lower risk." I told her.

"I was just worried that it might end badly." Violet added.

"Have you spoken to mummy or daddy about this?" I asked.

"No they don't like talking about it." She told me.

"Okay don't worry. You can ask me any questions okay? And you can ask mummy and daddy they won't be upset." I explained to her.

"Thank you." She mumbled half asleep as she was already sleepy and on my knee. I took her up to bed and laid her down and tucked her in.

"Everything okay?" Richard asked as I stepped in my room to see him laying in bed in his boxers ready to sleep.

"Yeah fine." I smiled taking off the excess pillows on the bed and putting them on the floor. I sat on the edge of the bed and began to remove my make up.

I just started getting ready for bed and thoughts swirled around in my head all the time.

"I'm not sure about this holiday." I mumbled getting in to bed.

"What do you mean?" Richard asked.

"What if the surgery doesn't work? Or something goes wrong? Being home all of this summer meant I've gotten a lot closer to violet, I don't want anything bad to happen to her." I explained.

"Fair enough Jen but you know we will be here when she wakes up. We go the day after in the evening too... we'll have plenty of time to make sure she's okay." He assured me.

"I guess we'll see how it goes on the day." I smiled across at him then kissed him goodnight as I laid down.

"Night." He smiled. "Don't worry too much jenna please."

"I won't don't worry." I laughed and then we cuddled for a bit as I was quite cold.

- - - - -

The next morning I heard Grace crying and I was the only one up so I thought I'd go in a see what the fuss was. She was a lot bigger now, in her own room and in a big crib. She must be 7 or 8 months now.

She really was adorable. I picked her up and started to fuss her because she clearly just wanted to held. She stopped crying the minute I picked her up.

"Hi." I smiled playing with her tiny little hands.

I just held her for a bit, bounced her around and played with her until she got groggy again because she was hungry.

"Hey." Richard said from the doorway. "I wondered why you were out of bed." He laughed taking Grace from me and playing with her. He had spent more time with her than I had. Richard would entertain her when she ate or was in her chair in the living room.

"I heard her crying." I smiled.

"Oh dear, shall we get Rachel then?" Richard laughed talking to Grace making her pant and then laugh and then taking her into Rachel.

God I could only wish to have a child with him. Why wasn't maisie still around? He was so sweet with kids it was adorable to watch.

- - - - -

"Lily you really do bother me sometimes." I said to her over FaceTime the evening before Violets surgery and two days before their holiday.

"What has she done now?" Richard joked.

"No don't be mean." I scolded him. "I just mean that you can walk almost perfectly now and you're saying to Matt that you think you won't make it."

"I'm just worried." She rolled her eyes.

"We went shopping together all day last week and not once did you struggle Lily. You can do this holiday I promise. We are going to have a such a good time." I smiled at her.

"I promise Matt and I will be there if you have any trouble remember? We said we'd carry you." Richard laughed.

"I might take you up on that after a night out." Lily smirked.

"And me." I laughed smiling at Richard.

"Anyway now that's sorted can we please go over what he have planned for the week." Richard asked moaning because that was the only reason we were factimeing because Lily was confused what we were doing.

"Well I fully plan on going out almost every night and lay in the sun all day." I smiled.

"Well that's you sorted then I guess!" Lily smirked.