In Omnia Paratus Book 3

More guilt.

I felt guilty for most of the holiday, laying there with Richard in bed naked brought back memories of that night and things started to come back to me.

I don't think we used protection at all and it was a very weird night, I don't like thinking about Sebastian. I just hoped I never saw him again which so far so good.

"Jen can you turn out the light now." Richard asked after we'd finished doing our business and laid there cuddling for a bit. I leant over turned off the light and just continued to hold him as I stared wide awake at the ceiling so shocked what I could remember.

The next morning I went into Lily's room and sat with her and Matt. He left at some point to go shower or something so I took my chance with Lily alone.

"Can I ask you a favour?" I asked Lily.

"Sure, anything." Lily smiled across at me.

"I want to book an appointment at a clinic when I get back. I'm having sex with Richard but I don't know if I've... got anything from Seb." I told her worried.

"Oh shit, sure. I never thought about it but sure I'll come with you don't worry." She nodded.

"Thank you, so much." I nodded.

It was playing on my mind a lot and I'd learnt to compartmentalise these things now and deal with them instead of getting too stressed. Something Kate taught me when I got depressed.

- - - - -

"I think I'm going to start going to gym again and keeping fit." I told Richard over lunch at this nice cafe.

"I might join you there. I haven't been to the gym in what feels like forever." Richard smiled.

"I miss when we used to do things like that together." I smiled across at him.

"When we get back from here and uni starts up again, I want us to have a date night. Just for us where we have dinner, hang out whatever. We can go see a film or bowling or anything I just miss dating you." Richard laughed.

"That's such a good idea, I miss that too. At the moment we just hang out all the time with other people and never actually do anything." I moaned. We were being so Open because we were alone. Everyone went off and did there own thing today and Richard decided to take me out for lunch.

"Cool, it's a date." He smiled.

"I spoke to Molly yesterday, she said she really is here only because of her friends." I nodded.

"Not This again..." Richard sighed.

"I just want to know what were in those letters. I can't sleep at night not knowing." I teased him and laughing at him.

"It's nothing important, I promise." He smiled across at me.

"Okay then, one question. You have to answer." I demanded.

"Okay sure Whatever..." Richard laughed at me.

"Is Molly the girl you had a crush on when I was depressed last year and you told Lily about?" I asked.

"Lily told you—"

"Richard answer the question." I sighed.

"Yes." He mumbled guiltily.

"Oh ok..." I suddenly realised that these letters were love letters then. But I said I would drop it now.

"I can explain Jen, it's not what you think—"

"I thought you didn't want to talk about it." I said sadly.

"Well yes but now you just think those letters are love letters..." Richard sighed.

"I don't want to argue over this. So either tell me the truth or I assume and we forget this and move on." I told him.

"Okay Fine. I knew it was just a crush, molly and I never worked out when we dated and definitely didn't want to be with her again but I needed to tell her. I needed someone to tell me it was stupid." Richard sighed.

"Lily didn't do a good enough job?"

"No." He said sternly. "So I wrote her a letter telling her everything and she wrote back to me. It wasn't what I wanted back from her. I wanted her to tell me I was wrong and stupid but instead she agreed that she still had feeling for me."

"Oh." I breathed.

"But wait, we spoke in person she brought my letter to me and we argued for ages and said that we were just really good friends. There was nothing romantic there and so we ended Whatever that was..." He explained.

"And she left your letter with you, that why you have both of the letters..." I worked it out in my mind.

"Yes and when we argued it was just like back when we dated, awful. We never liked each other. We just wanted something that wasn't there. She'd just broken up with her boyfriend and I was having trouble seeing you.."

"Thanks for telling me all that." I smiled at him whilst finishing my lunch and sipping my water.

"You're not mad?" He asked.

How could I be mad. He didn't cheat on me, like I did on him just the other night. "No, Richard. I was in a bad place and you needed to talk to someone else that wasn't me. I get it."

"You're taking this surprisingly well. Should I be worried?" He laughed.

"Ha no." I laughed too and then the other night rolled into my mind again and I felt like vomiting.

- - - - -

"You're all sharing a house this year aren't you?" Richard asked us as we all sat round in the evening playing board games and drinking.

"Yeah." Everyone said. Richard was staying with his flat mates and mainly just his guy friends which he loves. They had the same flat every year in the fancy block because they could afford it.

We were all moving to a house together. Lily, Matt, me, Tom, Alex, Max Holly and Grace.

Yes an 8 bedroom house, it was huge but very cheap surprisingly, mainly because it was being split between a lot of people. We were going to be having many house parties everyone said. I luckily ended up with a double bed and so did everyone else but Matt because the argument was he'll be in with Lily a lot anyway.